I Called In Sick Today

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

mcdonalds has the shamrock shakes now. if you get the right person taking the order, you can get them to half and half with chocolate for ridiculous goodness. I tried to get a customer to try it (she was looking iffy on it and her boyfriend wasn't helping) and my manager says point blank to me, "are you attempting to suggestive sell a shake we don't actually offer?"

yeah because your chatter is seriously impacting his bottom line...

i have ordered 2 kegs of guinness and 3 kegs of green bud light for saturday if anyone feels like stopping by. we're starting at 6:30 a.m.

hey voldemort! cheap flight deal pls!

Well it's going to be hard to follow up Wang's snarkiness (i don't think that is a word), but here goes:I was in Trader Joes late last night getting some last minute shopping done, the store is pretty much empty. There are a few patrons here or there, but mostly it is staff stocking shelves. As I walk past the dairy section there is a large male employee that looks like a biker stocking the yogurt and a female co worker walking up behind him, when the following takes place -Female Co-worker: blah blah blah terrible unintelligible jokeBiker guy: What was that? (Sounding and looking confused)Female Co-worker: That was my joke of the dayELG: (Walking by just as she finishes her sentence) Well, you wasted it. (Keeps walking)Female Co-worker: ......Biker guy: Laughing uncontrollablyFTHFCWI didn't turn around, but I could feel her standing there confused and awe stricken that some random customer would say something like that as her co-worker just kept laughing.

this reminded me of a recent lunch, where i was waiting for my pizza and reading by the counter. some salesman type guy walked up next to me to ask for the manager, the conversation went like this:Salesman: Hi, I'm looking for Timmy, the manager?Clerk: One second.Guy Walking by at Just The Right Second, quietly whisper-shouted under his breath: Timmmmmmaaaaaaaayyyyy!JLL: uncontrollable laughterClerk/Salesman: disapprovingface at JLLGQBAJTRS: sly heythanksforgettingmyjokeface at JLL

Jesus, I am so awesome right now. An Indian kid I know (real name: Rahul Gupta) walked in as I was doing this in the public restroom.Wang: "Mind your biz'ness Rahul. Mind it."Rahul: (puts hands up in gesture of "hey, man, leave me out of this")Anybody want a picture of my GUNS?EDIT- Note my gigantic nose, forehead, and ears. Isn't it amazing I was having sex with that Maggie girl?

This is where I was going to say you look a lot like Matthew Lillard, but all the Rita/Gene/Wilder/Rutner stuff got me confused.

So you never were taught how to dress for success?Edit: and Wang totally reminds me of someone and it will ruin my afternoon because I can't think of it.

Def not Matthew Lillard. That would be weird.

[El Guapo 8]

This is where I was going to say you look a lot like Matthew Lillard, but all the Rita/Gene/Wilder/Rutner stuff got me confused.

She definitely has a type.

[Tactical Bear 3]

She definitely has a type.

Apparently. I just ran into her in the computer lab -- literally 2 minutes ago -- and we started chatting, and now, apparently, I have a date on Saturday, baby. How does this happen? Proof of encounter:God I love this ****ing phone.

[Sal Paradise 57]

you know who I ran into two minutes ago? NOBODY. you know what I'm doing on saturday? NOTHING.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

Apparently. I just ran into her in the computer lab -- literally 2 minutes ago -- and we started chatting, and now, apparently, I have a date on Saturday, baby. How does this happen? Proof of encounter:God I love this ****ing phone.

Did you tell her you were taking the picture to put on here to prove you ran into her?

[Tactical Bear 3]

Did you tell her you were taking the picture to put on here to prove you ran into her?

No. I told her it was for my Wall of Shame. All ex-girlfriends go on the wall, and I didn't have any pictures of her that belonged to me. She was... unhappy. The proof-of-encounter motivation was left unmentioned.

[Randy Reed 0]

So remember a few weeks ago when I had a colonoscopy? Of course, duh. Anyway I get a call from his officeyesterday telling me that I need to come in for a follow up appointment. I kinda quized her about it, letting her know that I didn't think it was necessary. I mean, i've been pooping fine? After thinking about it I also toldher that no one mentioned a "follow up" appointment and figured it was a scam to get another visit fee out of me or something.Um, well, she was adamant that I needed to do this and well, the doctor was going out of town Friday so couldI be there first thing this morning? 8 AM when it opens?Ummm, uh oh? It dawned on me that the Dr told me he removed some polyps but they didn't look cancerous. Yikes!So I went this morning and well, guess who has cancer? Yep!Settle down all. It turns out it was very minor, if there is such a thing and he thinks he removed it all during the colonoscopy.He said they were, something something something in the polyp, probably very minor form of cancer, couldn't really tell, well, yes malignant, but very minor yadda yadda yadda, more than likely, come back in 3 months and let's do it again.BUT- He wants me to have a catscan on my chest, abdomen and stomach to make sure I don't have it anywhere else and it just spread to the colon. They wanted to do it in 10 days, but I talked, (begged like a whiny bitch), them into scheduling it tommorow morning.It will still take 3 days for the results which an oncologist will share with me sometime next week.So of course I'm not going to worry about it, not a bit. I really doubt there is anything else wrong. I have no other health issuesso i'm sure it's just routine. He'll probably tell me I have a couple hundred years left if anything. Healthy as an OX! Great ass foran old guy, been working out? In advance I know a few of you will offer up prayers and such so i'd like you to direct them to Gishnu or Gaia or Aztec or Maya, or well how about Valhalla. Scratch those, just dance around a totem pole. Kidding, thanks in advance for all your thoughts and well wishes and send donations to the PACT freudian research foundation c/ovoldement.

[jeff_536 3]

Okay, so if i'm going to go smart phone in the next little while, do I go iphone or blackberry storm?

You fuckers better not be jeepstering me. I'm fucking serious. I know where you live, Sal.

[El Guapo 8]

I don't know what to say Randy. Obviously I hope everything turns out OK. If it helps nutzbuster hasFUCK CANCER in his sig right now, so that's something I guess.Shit.

[rocketpoker828 0]

Okay, so if i'm going to go smart phone in the next little while, do I go iphone or blackberry storm?

I have an iPhone, and I love it. It has exactly what I need (8 GB of music, wifi access, etc.) I haven't had any exp. with the Storm (I guess I'll leave that to Wang.)

[Piddle Duck 0]

He said they were, something something something in the polyp, probably very minor form of cancer, couldn't really tell, well, yes malignant, but very minor yadda yadda yadda, more than likely, come back in 3 months and let's do it again.

So you had sex with your doctor while he was explaining all this to you?I don't pray but I wish you all the best Randy. At least you got some man action in case it is really bad.

[Sal Paradise 57]

way to steal my awesome hair thunder randy

[Piddle Duck 0]

You fuckers better not be jeepstering me. I'm fucking serious. I know where you live, Sal.

Do you like your touch? Would you like it if it made phone calls? I think that will help you decide.

[jeff_536 3]

Do you like your touch? Would you like it if it made phone calls? I think that will help you decide.

So if i get an iphone, do i not need my touch anymore?Hmmm...the kid's birthday is coming up....Randy, good that they caught it early and are being careful. Better than finding out when it's too late.

[brvheart 1,752]

suitedaces' rude comment has nearly wiped out my desire to post this morning.

Totally. What a dbag that guy is!

I would pay lots of money to take lessons on how to be more like tactical bear.

The key is basically just keeping a straight face and saying the most inappropriate thing you can think of. A few tips:- Try to seem equanimous at all times. - Pretend you're a British man stating a simple, boring fact.-Once you establish a reputation of being level-headed (even when saying horribly mean things like: "Your haircut is offensive to me, and your oversized Panda Bear t-shirt makes me queasy"), you build up a store of what I call "Mad Capital." When you DO fly off the handle, anybody who knows you and is familiar with your reputation as Mr. Ice Cold Level Headed Man, will give you the benefit of the doubt when you've flown into a rage because, man, this guy is almost always totally rational, so he must be in the right.- Don't give a shit about nothin'.- Specifically, don't give a shit about whether people think you are interesting or funny, because, no matter what, 95% probably won't.The last one isn't really a tip, but rather a lesson I've learned. You can say the meanest things in the world to anybody without consequence as long as you smile and laugh afterwards, or clap the guy on the back in a "haha, this is just some good-natured ribbing between friends" gesture. Example: (smiling and jovial) "Haha, Brian, you might be the biggest ****ing idiot I've ever met, man. You've got the IQ of a ****ing Marmot, son. How do you live with yourself? How do you look yourself in the mirror in the morning? Is it that you just have no idea how completely RETARDED you are?" (claps Brian on the back) "But you know I love you brother." Wang

Wang, I think you're doing something wrong. Sal said he would PAY you.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Apparently. I just ran into her in the computer lab -- literally 2 minutes ago -- and we started chatting, and now, apparently, I have a date on Saturday, baby. How does this happen? Proof of encounter:God I love this ****ing phone.

who is that? your camera could rival randy for blurriness EXCELLENT PICTURES!

So remember a few weeks ago when I had a colonoscopy? Of course, duh. Anyway I get a call from his officeyesterday telling me that I need to come in for a follow up appointment. I kinda quized her about it, letting her know that I didn't think it was necessary. I mean, i've been pooping fine? After thinking about it I also toldher that no one mentioned a "follow up" appointment and figured it was a scam to get another visit fee out of me or something.Um, well, she was adamant that I needed to do this and well, the doctor was going out of town Friday so couldI be there first thing this morning? 8 AM when it opens?Ummm, uh oh? It dawned on me that the Dr told me he removed some polyps but they didn't look cancerous. Yikes!So I went this morning and well, guess who has cancer? Yep!Settle down all. It turns out it was very minor, if there is such a thing and he thinks he removed it all during the colonoscopy.He said they were, something something something in the polyp, probably very minor form of cancer, couldn't really tell, well, yes malignant, but very minor yadda yadda yadda, more than likely, come back in 3 months and let's do it again.BUT- He wants me to have a catscan on my chest, abdomen and stomach to make sure I don't have it anywhere else and it just spread to the colon. They wanted to do it in 10 days, but I talked, (begged like a whiny bitch), them into scheduling it tommorow morning.It will still take 3 days for the results which an oncologist will share with me sometime next week.So of course I'm not going to worry about it, not a bit. I really doubt there is anything else wrong. I have no other health issuesso i'm sure it's just routine. He'll probably tell me I have a couple hundred years left if anything. Healthy as an OX! Great ass foran old guy, been working out? In advance I know a few of you will offer up prayers and such so i'd like you to direct them to Gishnu or Gaia or Aztec or Maya, or well how about Valhalla. Scratch those, just dance around a totem pole. Kidding, thanks in advance for all your thoughts and well wishes and send donations to the PACT freudian research foundation c/ovoldement.

shit randy, i'm really sorry. about giving you cancer. in your ass.

[Piddle Duck 0]

So if i get an iphone, do i not need my touch anymore?Hmmm...the kid's birthday is coming up....Randy, good that they caught it early and are being careful. Better than finding out when it's too late.

Probably not.

[CindyLou 11]

So remember a few weeks ago when I had a colonoscopy? Of course, duh. Anyway I get a call from his officeyesterday telling me that I need to come in for a follow up appointment. I kinda quized her about it, letting her know that I didn't think it was necessary. I mean, i've been pooping fine? After thinking about it I also toldher that no one mentioned a "follow up" appointment and figured it was a scam to get another visit fee out of me or something.Um, well, she was adamant that I needed to do this and well, the doctor was going out of town Friday so couldI be there first thing this morning? 8 AM when it opens?Ummm, uh oh? It dawned on me that the Dr told me he removed some polyps but they didn't look cancerous. Yikes!So I went this morning and well, guess who has cancer? Yep!Settle down all. It turns out it was very minor, if there is such a thing and he thinks he removed it all during the colonoscopy.He said they were, something something something in the polyp, probably very minor form of cancer, couldn't really tell, well, yes malignant, but very minor yadda yadda yadda, more than likely, come back in 3 months and let's do it again.BUT- He wants me to have a catscan on my chest, abdomen and stomach to make sure I don't have it anywhere else and it just spread to the colon. They wanted to do it in 10 days, but I talked, (begged like a whiny bitch), them into scheduling it tommorow morning.It will still take 3 days for the results which an oncologist will share with me sometime next week.So of course I'm not going to worry about it, not a bit. I really doubt there is anything else wrong. I have no other health issuesso i'm sure it's just routine. He'll probably tell me I have a couple hundred years left if anything. Healthy as an OX! Great ass foran old guy, been working out? In advance I know a few of you will offer up prayers and such so i'd like you to direct them to Gishnu or Gaia or Aztec or Maya, or well how about Valhalla. Scratch those, just dance around a totem pole. Kidding, thanks in advance for all your thoughts and well wishes and send donations to the PACT freudian research foundation c/ovoldement.

Why is your formatting always so fucked up?

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Why is your formatting always so fucked up?

randy is rose? rose is randy? FINKEL IS EINHORN?

[brvheart 1,752]

EDIT- Note my gigantic nose, forehead, and ears. Isn't it amazing I was having sex with that Maggie girl?

You are you trying to fool Wang... you're at least an 80 - 85 on the looks scale. Which is 100 when compared to everyone else on the forum. You're like the head cheerleader that tells the ugly girls that she's too fat.

Okay, so if i'm going to go smart phone in the next little while, do I go iphone or blackberry storm?

I love my iphone.. if you have a touch you know what you're getting.

Rectal stuff

Add me to the prayer list, Rando.

way to steal my awesome hair thunder randy

hahha

[gobears 0]

I'll throw the $20 SS Gift at the wall for good luck for you Randy - sounds like it was a good thing you got the colonoscopy when you did.They always come back TB/SW don't they?

[silkyjonson 1]

guess I'm not as stupid as I thought I was.

You can tell this picture was taken at work because of the soulessness in your eyes. Or the cubicle.And I actually went to bed right after you posted last night, so thanks.Randy hope everything goes well, also I ended up getting a 06 (off the lot in 07) Mercury Mountaneer all black with 29k for 12.3k thanks again for all your help!

[zimmer4141 0]

Well, I'm officially in Virginia. There's a lot more southern accents than I was expecting. It's like I'm in Ohio or something.

[Randy Reed 0]

who is that? your camera could rival randy for blurriness EXCELLENT PICTURES!shit randy, i'm really sorry. about giving you cancer. in your ass.

Just because I said OUCH during the sex doesn't mean you get all the credit.

Why is your formatting always so fucked up?

My paragragh and sentance structure? Probably because i'm work and go back and forth and lose my train of thought I guess. That and I suck at english.

I'll throw the $20 SS Gift at the wall for good luck for you Randy - sounds like it was a good thing you got the colonoscopy when you did.They always come back TB/SW don't they?

It was a great thing I apparently made the decision to have it done. My doc told me I could a couple waita couple years before I had to. I've been thinking I'm lucky as hell, providing they don't find anything else.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Just because I said OUCH during the sex doesn't mean you get all the credit.My paragragh and sentance structure? Probably because i'm work and go back and forth and lose my train of thought I guess. That and I suck at english.It was a great thing I apparently made the decisio to have it done. My doc told me I could a couple years before I had to. I've been thinking I'm lucky as hell, providing they don't find anything else.

one of these responses gets a QFT, i'll let you guess which one.