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I Called In Sick Today


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and after 3 days, he is risen!

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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It was about a 15 foot drop. Nothing I hadn't done before but she didn't know that. Today I was wearing two sandals. A little too sandals. I put my cigarrette in my mouth and swing-jumped the balcony fence. You'll have to ignore the 10 pounds I gained and the wig which became apparent as you saw the back of my head. I landed crouched on the ground.
I don't know what this is all about, but the bold part just killed me. Very nicely done.
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speedz must have killed himself over the overwhelming guilt of not sending lg's gift.
The dog musta ate it...I figure SSS gifts will continue to dribble in till around labor dayNext year lets try and start the promotion around the fourth of July or something
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Hell Yeah. I I'm drunk and I made out with a chick. It was awesome.Also, Bar Work >>>>>>>>>>>>> Call Center Work. I'm going to try and get a job at the bar now. Working at the Uni bar would be totally rad.Any way, Magic Bullets are awesome. Wait.... what?

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Randy do you get acid flashbacks at all?I can get pretty paranoid on the sticky icky, don't think acid would mix that well.
No, no flashbacks really. I did alot of back in the day and was pretty cool with what it's effects were, ya know, everything SEEMED funny or SEEMED paranoid.
Okay, got my SS present today. The note said: I got you this because you're old, and because of your bad knee and because you're Canadian. But mostly because you're old.caneve6.jpgThanks, SS!!
hahaha the the gifts are killing me, good stuff. I mean for an old guy, yeah that's it. Just think, if youever meet the SS you can chase him down the street swinging and trying to hit him over the head with it.
It was the funniest part.
I rolled at this. nicely done.
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I'm hoping that cellphones are still the technology of the day when i get my SS gift.
Yes they will but you won't be able to photograph it because it will be the size of an actual cell. You'll lose it at least 10 times a day, which is why it's awesome.
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ok, well I finally got around to uploading all my pictures of my secret santa gift, so without any further ado, I bid you...the secret santa gift for SAL PARADISE:this is what I came back from the beach to find on my front porch:Box.jpgI was a bit nervous to say the least.after about an hour of cutting with various knives and a blowtorch, I opened it and found the first gift. somebody has an excellent memory:Chainsawkit.jpgMost definitely will be a huge help to my super manly pursuit of chainsawing virginia clean.then, right beside it was another most helpful gift:Flashlight.jpgI had needed a flashlight to keep in my truck, and this one is a hand crank so it never needs batteries. quite nice.but then I reached down to the bottom of the box. what I pulled out gave me a little scare to say the least, ESPECIALLY since I knew who it was from:Bomb.jpgafter I peed on myself, I managed to get it open to find the bestest gift in the universe:Canoflage.jpgcanoflage! pretay, pretay neat. (note: budweiser and rolling rock are the model's own.) I'm definitely gonna have to try these out pretty soon, but I think I may need some instructions first:Retard.jpg
Well guessing your SS is a slam dunk. Well done.
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Early Happy New Years to all you hooligans. Get ripped but be safe. I'll safely be wanting to get ripped. Aw, who knows, the night is still young!
I don't see any reason why you shouldn't drink tonight. I have a friend who used to drink all the time but never to an alcoholic level, basically like you, and he quit this april or something and has drink like twice since. I think its something that can be done.
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Well I just closed a million dollar client. Nice way to wrap up 2008.I would be cliche and have a safe new year, but dammit I am feeling speedzish and I want to hear stories tomorrow that involve all of your misfortunes and pain for my entertainment.

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you didn't think it was obviously turd when we all know that cw isn't unemployed, he's busy delivering pizzas and scooping ice cream?
That's a GOOD thing!
It was the funniest part.
hahahhahah.
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Well speaking of sex and missed opportunties since this is my second or third or fourth post in here (I can't really remember), I should probably post my Screwed Up Sex Opportunity Story.I was at some party smoking a stog and talking to this chick. She lived a few doors down from me in Newport. Anyway somehow her dog got out and was on the street. It was close to a car which was parallel parking. A little too close. That probably wasn't a good area to use the "a litte too" phrase since an animal close to a moving car is always too close. Anyway I had to take action.
It was about a 15 foot drop. Nothing I hadn't done before but she didn't know that. Today I was wearing two sandals. A little too sandals. I put my cigarrette in my mouth and swing-jumped the balcony fence. You'll have to ignore the 10 pounds I gained and the wig which became apparent as you saw the back of my head. I landed crouched on the ground.
I grabbed the dog which was never in any real danger since this is a fake story. I strutted back to the party ready to trade the dog for a better prize. After she rushed everyone out of the house so we could get some alone time (with each other), she took a closer look at me and caught me in a big lie.
oh so fine.
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