milestodavid 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 We all love Chuck Norris, so it's time to devote a thread to him. I'll start.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Link to post Share on other sites
CrackofmyACE 1 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Fphillips 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Chuck Norris dosen't sleep, he waits. Link to post Share on other sites
Dirtydutch 8 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This is old, but: Chuck Norris isn’t lactose-intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit. Link to post Share on other sites
milestodavid 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Chuck Norris once visited a nunnery in Italy and proceded to impregnate every nun in site. Nine months later those nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated, untied team in NFL history. Link to post Share on other sites
Oziumrules 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victimsbefore they died? His shoe. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. Link to post Share on other sites
milestodavid 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadaki 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This has been on the internet for nearly 2 years, why is it getting so much attention all of a sudden? You guys wanna make a Vin Diesel one too? Link to post Share on other sites
Oziumrules 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This has been on the internet for nearly 2 years, why is it getting so much attention all of a sudden? You guys wanna make a Vin Diesel one too?I have seen Jack Bauer & Mr T ones...Chuck Norris ones are funnier... Link to post Share on other sites
milestodavid 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Yeah these have been on forever, but be honest, you still laugh. If you haven't, then you're one of the unfortunate ones on the opposite end of a roundhouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Socko669 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 The stroy of Johnny Appleseed is based on Chuck Norris...except for the part about planting trees and not raping men. Link to post Share on other sites
milestodavid 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 How about one of these....Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadaki 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This has been on the internet for nearly 2 years, why is it getting so much attention all of a sudden? You guys wanna make a Vin Diesel one too?I have seen Jack Bauer & Mr T ones...Chuck Norris ones are funnier...Only one I have seen is Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris, after you have seen one you have seen them all. Link to post Share on other sites
gkunit20 1 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This should pretty much cover it:http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
TheLadiezMan 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I'm glad everyone in the world discovered the Chuck Norris jokes at the same time. It's all my friends talk about now, gay. Link to post Share on other sites
Royal_Tour 0 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This has been on the internet for nearly 2 years, why is it getting so much attention all of a sudden? You guys wanna make a Vin Diesel one too?I have seen Jack Bauer & Mr T ones...Chuck Norris ones are funnier...Only one I have seen is Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris, after you have seen one you have seen them all.poker has been around for how long??Ninja's have been around for how long??Honda Civic's engines are what size??see the pattern... it doesnt matter, once something start to get some attention, everyone wants a piece, mostly out of fear they are missing something.example.. Chris Parnell has been rapping on SNL for 2 -3 years, but now after his Chronicles of Narnia Rap, all his old stuff is surfacing. Link to post Share on other sites
Demonde 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 http://www.cafepress.com/norrisfacts.45053516I am definitely going to get this. Link to post Share on other sites
Oziumrules 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 AP Wire: 15 minutes ago.Chuck Norris has just killed every Seahawks player, appparantly Hasselbeck called him Steven Seagal jokingly in a conversation, Norris easily worked through every player including Walter Jones and has decided to play the Steelers by himself. After hearing of the news Vegas made the Seahawks a 7 point favorite. Link to post Share on other sites
ol'number7 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 AP Wire: 15 minutes ago.Chuck Norris has just killed every Seahawks player, appparantly Hasselbeck called him Steven Seagal jokingly in a conversation, Norris easily worked through every player including Walter Jones and has decided to play the Steelers by himself. After hearing of the news Vegas made the Seahawks a 7 point favorite.I'll take Seattle -7 then for the limit Oz Link to post Share on other sites
Oziumrules 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 AP Wire: 15 minutes ago.Chuck Norris has just killed every Seahawks player, appparantly Hasselbeck called him Steven Seagal jokingly in a conversation, Norris easily worked through every player including Walter Jones and has decided to play the Steelers by himself. After hearing of the news Vegas made the Seahawks a 7 point favorite.I'll take Seattle -7 then for the limit OzYou got it..I'll take the Steelers and 7..lol Link to post Share on other sites
ol'number7 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 consider it done -- I get Chuck Norris vs Steelers, man this is like stealing, I feel guilty alreadyLike the old SNL skits "Da Bears vs..." Link to post Share on other sites
kers2 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 A few drunken kers2 originals:Chuck Norris eats Bunty Soap by the truckloadChuck Norris swallowed my fish whole, crapped him out and it was still aliveChuck Norris is the only man who could take a 24" double ended dildo up the ass and live to tell about itChuck Norris eats bananas and spits potassiumChuck Norris sired Secretariat... Triple Crown winner and the greatest horse who ever livedChuck Norris is Carrot Top's personal trainerChuck Norris has to wrap his cock around his leg and tuck it into his sockChuck Norris licks batteries on a regular basisChuck Norris' pool is filled with Crystal Palace vodkaChuck Norris' taint goes all the way up to the back of his neckVin Diesel only got his role in "The Fast and the Furious" because Chuck Norris doesnt drive pussy carsChuck Norris was the real "last samurai"Chuck Norris has been pwned countless times by Conan O'Brien using the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever" Link to post Share on other sites
Demonde 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 A few drunken kers2 originals:Chuck Norris eats Bunty Soap by the truckloadChuck Norris swallowed my fish whole, crapped him out and it was still aliveChuck Norris is the only man who could take a 24" double ended dildo up the ass and live to tell about itChuck Norris eats bananas and spits potassiumChuck Norris sired Secretariat... Triple Crown winner and the greatest horse who ever livedChuck Norris is Carrot Top's personal trainerChuck Norris has to wrap his cock around his leg and tuck it into his sockChuck Norris licks batteries on a regular basisChuck Norris' pool is filled with Crystal Palace vodkaChuck Norris' taint goes all the way up to the back of his neckVin Diesel only got his role in "The Fast and the Furious" because Chuck Norris doesnt drive pussy carsChuck Norris was the real "last samurai"Chuck Norris has been pwned countless times by Conan O'Brien using the "Walker Texas Ranger Lever"Chuck Norris pwns, doesn't get pwned. Link to post Share on other sites
KowboyKoop 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Chuck Norris is the only man who could take a 24" double ended dildo up the ass and live to tell about itUhhhhhh.....how does this make Chuck Norris look good??? Link to post Share on other sites
kers2 0 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Chuck Norris is the only man who could take a 24" double ended dildo up the ass and live to tell about itUhhhhhh.....how does this make Chuck Norris look good???KowboyKoop's reading comprehension is at a 17th grade levelKowboyKoop can grow a better beard than Chuck NorrisKowboyKoop can sing better than Bon Scott and Brian Johnson combined Link to post Share on other sites
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