Jump to content

the shimmering wang and the hc queen: college years


Recommended Posts

Bump:  Wang is online and needs to do what he promised.
Wang is busy dealing with officers of the law. I've been up for 36 hours, I'm 800 dollars poorer, and I'm consumed by a rage so pure and white, that any good humor I try to convey will come out like it was passed through a filter of the German Cultural Conciousness.On one hand, when I get a chance to nap and eat, I'll probably get to tell the story of how the Worst Day of My Life.On the other hand, that's not gonna be until tomorrow at the earliest.If y'all don't like it, give me your full name and address, and I'll come to your house and burn it down.Wang
This is why we love wang.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 57
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Bump:  Wang is online and needs to do what he promised.
Wang is busy dealing with officers of the law. I've been up for 36 hours, I'm 800 dollars poorer, and I'm consumed by a rage so pure and white, that any good humor I try to convey will come out like it was passed through a filter of the German Cultural Conciousness.On one hand, when I get a chance to nap and eat, I'll probably get to tell the story of how the Worst Day of My Life.On the other hand, that's not gonna be until tomorrow at the earliest.If y'all don't like it, give me your full name and address, and I'll come to your house and burn it down.Wang
PM dnaforever for my full name and address.
Link to post
Share on other sites

On a crappy day like today, I could use a little Shimmering Wang hilarity.

Link to post
Share on other sites

try some meth Wang, that'll help out with the time necessary to complete this story.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wang, first post the story of what happened yesterday, that sounded pretty funny (for everyone but you).
Okay. I think a few days of heavy drinking have afforded me the emotional distance necessary to talk about Saturday. This probably won't be entertaining, because I lied about the emotional distance, and am still pissed about it. So instead of telling a story, I'm going to just be complaining. Okay, so around 3 on Saturday, I went down to the casino to play some poker. I had a decent day playing poker (but got killed playing props), and at about 315AM I started feeling a little tired, so I decided to take my winnings and call it tonight. I took out my wallet, paid off the prop debt I owed, put the wallet into my back pocket, and stood to walk to the cage.After cashing out, I tossed the cash in my coat pocket and scurried to the little boys' room. On the way, some guy bumped into me. He almost knocked me over, but mumbled an apology and walked off. I drained the skinny weasel, and wandered to my car. When I got to the teller at the parking garage, I reached into my pocket to grab my validated parking.Oh. Fuck me. After hassling with the woman in the booth, I finally received permission to backup, park again (after doing a little wrong-way driving), and go back into the casino. Conversation at downstairs ID check point:Guard: "ID?"Wang: "Oh, man... I think I left my wallet upstairs in the poker room. It had my ID in it, so...."Guard: "No ID, no entrance. No exceptions, kid."Wang: "Yeah, but I need to get back up there to check for my wallet... Just call up there, man. I was playing at table 4. Donna was dealing to me. She'll remember me, because I called her Debra all night, and even sang to her, until she corrected me..."Guard: "Sorry, the rules apply to everyone..."Wang: "You must not understand... How about you find somebody to escort me up there, maybe?"(15 minutes pass, during which the guard talks on his walkie-talkie, inadequately explaining the situation at least twice... finally someone in a suit comes, which I assume means salvation)Wang: (explains)Suit: "Sorry, son. I can't let you in unsupervised if you don't have a valid photo ID."Wang: (continues explaining, remaining polite, offering various forms of compromise)Suit: "You don't seem to understand sir. You're not getting in here."Wang: (threatens to burn casino to ground)Wang: (pulls out gun, kills 12, wounds 7)Wang: (slams head against wall until dead)Wang: (grits teeth) "Well, can someone escort me?"(30 minutes pass. Finally, someone escorts me to poker room. Of course, everyone knows me by name, including floor manger, who suggests that they "shoulda just called up, we'd've vouched for you!")Okay, so I look for my wallet, and can't find it. I get on my hands and knees, crawl around for at least 10 minutes. No dice. Wallet's gone. Then, I spend at least 40 minutes trying to find someone at the right security desk to help me so I can report it lost or stolen. I am hassled continually by my chaperone, who I suggest may be able to leave me alone, because I'd obviously been in the casino today. No, she has a job to do.Then, I spend at least 20 minutes securing a "free parking" pass, because my validated parking slip was in my wallet, which has somehow evaporated into thin air. Or, I realize at this point, into the hands of the guy I ran into on the way to the bathroom. Dude, I totally got pickpocketed. What a dope. At this point, I go BACK into the casino (which I'd just left) and deal with the same circus all over again. When I finally get to the security desk, I explain my theory, which gets nothing but a, "Yeah, that's prolly it." Can you check the security tapes? "No, I don't have the authority to authorize such an authorization." You're an idiot. Who can do that for me? "Nobody here. Call back tomorrow." I hate you, and this whole place. Here. This is cyanide. Eat it. Do humanity a favor.At this point, I'm exhausted, and I just want to drive home and get some sleep. Please GOD let me sleep. I'll deal with the authorities tomorrow, after I can just get some rest. So...Get in car. Hassle with lady in booth about parking. Get onto road. Get onto expressway. Notice it has started raining heavily. Turn on windshield wipers. Turn on windshield wipers. TURN ON WI-Better. Sheesh.Smell burning plastic. Notice smoke. Frown. Turn on... (sigh) Oh, come on!So, thankfully, I made it out of downtown Detroit before I was forced off the road. I'm a pretty big pussy, but no way was ANYONE driving that car without windshield wipers. I stumbled to a gas station, and asked for directions to a nearby miejer or (yeah, right, like one of these exists) 24 hour auto-supply store."Down street, maybe hef mile. (indistinguishable word) on your right."At this point, my car was going nowhere safely, so I bought an umbrella, and started walking. When I got to the 24 hour auto supply store, it was locked. I hammered on the door for 20 minutes, and nobody came to unlock it. The lights were on, and the big sign said, "OPEN" but, apparrently, today was "Hey, fuck you!" day. Great. I trudged back to my car, drove through the Gas Station parking lot to a McDonald's, ordered 10 breakfast burritos, and ruined my month of hard dieting work.3 hours later, neck, back, and body sore from sleeping in my piece of shit car, feet and shoes soaked, miserable, and full of a seething rage only a misanthropic asshole like me can experience, I trudged back to the autosupply store.Sure enough, a 16 year old kid was there, stoned out of his gourd, hanging out with his stoner buddies. The whole place smelled like dope. They must have locked up, and gone in the back and gotten stoned. I had 5 breakfast burritos left over, so I just gave them to the little monsters, and the kid told me to, "just go ahead and grab whatever, as long as it's not too big." At least someone's having a good night... So I took a bottle of Rain-Ex, applied it to my car, and drove home. At this point, I notice it's light out, which means I can call the police and the banks to report my shit stolen.They are even less helpful, and if I talk about it, I'll probably become a terrorist.That's all I got. Wang
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude they gotta show you those tapes or at least let the cops see them. If someone with the proper authority can't authorize that authorization then you should call the local news and tell them your sad tale. They'll have a field day... although it sure won't prevent the horde of degenerates from going to the casino, so the casino likely won't care who you tell.Either way... Good luck getting your wallet. That really bites dude. I got my wallet stolen by some 10 year old gypsy when I was in Rome 3 years ago. The little bastard crept up on me behind his gypsy Mom who was trying to sell me some blanket or something. Thats how it works... the elders approach you with some crappy merchandise and these little rugrats with lightning fast claws snatch whatever is in your pockets. Someone tried to convince me to wear one of those money belts before we left for the trip but PAH - MAN PURSE?? I THINK NOT!!Anyhoo, luckily I still had my passport otherwise I'd have had to deal with the circus that is the American Embassy. The travel cheques I had got replaced and I just had to cancel some credit cards. I lucked out big time since I was only carrying like $50 worth of Lira. No big deal.Hey.. someday you'll look back on that night and laugh. From what I've learned about you from your posts that'll probably be next week sometime.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wang, first post the story of what happened yesterday, that sounded pretty funny (for everyone but you).
Okay. I think a few days of heavy drinking have afforded me the emotional distance necessary to talk about Saturday. This probably won't be entertaining, because I lied about the emotional distance, and am still censored about it. So instead of telling a story, I'm going to just be complaining. Okay, so around 3 on Saturday, I went down to the casino to play some poker. I had a decent day playing poker (but got killed playing props), and at about 315AM I started feeling a little tired, so I decided to take my winnings and call it tonight. I took out my wallet, paid off the prop debt I owed, put the wallet into my back pocket, and stood to walk to the cage.After cashing out, I tossed the cash in my coat pocket and scurried to the little boys' room. On the way, some guy bumped into me. He almost knocked me over, but mumbled an apology and walked off. I drained the skinny weasel, and wandered to my car. When I got to the teller at the parking garage, I reached into my pocket to grab my validated parking.Oh. censored me. After hassling with the woman in the booth, I finally received permission to backup, park again (after doing a little wrong-way driving), and go back into the casino. Conversation at downstairs ID check point:Guard: "ID?"Wang: "Oh, man... I think I left my wallet upstairs in the poker room. It had my ID in it, so...."Guard: "No ID, no entrance. No exceptions, kid."Wang: "Yeah, but I need to get back up there to check for my wallet... Just call up there, man. I was playing at table 4. Donna was dealing to me. She'll remember me, because I called her Debra all night, and even sang to her, until she corrected me..."Guard: "Sorry, the rules apply to everyone..."Wang: "You must not understand... How about you find somebody to escort me up there, maybe?"(15 minutes pass, during which the guard talks on his walkie-talkie, inadequately explaining the situation at least twice... finally someone in a suit comes, which I assume means salvation)Wang: (explains)Suit: "Sorry, son. I can't let you in unsupervised if you don't have a valid photo ID."Wang: (continues explaining, remaining polite, offering various forms of compromise)Suit: "You don't seem to understand sir. You're not getting in here."Wang: (threatens to burn casino to ground)Wang: (pulls out gun, kills 12, wounds 7)Wang: (slams head against wall until dead)Wang: (grits teeth) "Well, can someone escort me?"(30 minutes pass. Finally, someone escorts me to poker room. Of course, everyone knows me by name, including floor manger, who suggests that they "shoulda just called up, we'd've vouched for you!")Okay, so I look for my wallet, and can't find it. I get on my hands and knees, crawl around for at least 10 minutes. No dice. Wallet's gone. Then, I spend at least 40 minutes trying to find someone at the right security desk to help me so I can report it lost or stolen. I am hassled continually by my chaperone, who I suggest may be able to leave me alone, because I'd obviously been in the casino today. No, she has a job to do.Then, I spend at least 20 minutes securing a "free parking" pass, because my validated parking slip was in my wallet, which has somehow evaporated into thin air. Or, I realize at this point, into the hands of the guy I ran into on the way to the bathroom. Dude, I totally got pickpocketed. What a dope. At this point, I go BACK into the casino (which I'd just left) and deal with the same circus all over again. When I finally get to the security desk, I explain my theory, which gets nothing but a, "Yeah, that's prolly it." Can you check the security tapes? "No, I don't have the authority to authorize such an authorization." You're an idiot. Who can do that for me? "Nobody here. Call back tomorrow." I hate you, and this whole place. Here. This is cyanide. Eat it. Do humanity a favor.At this point, I'm exhausted, and I just want to drive home and get some sleep. Please GOD let me sleep. I'll deal with the authorities tomorrow, after I can just get some rest. So...Get in car. Hassle with lady in booth about parking. Get onto road. Get onto expressway. Notice it has started raining heavily. Turn on windshield wipers. Turn on windshield wipers. TURN ON WI-Better. Sheesh.Smell burning plastic. Notice smoke. Frown. Turn on... (sigh) Oh, come on!So, thankfully, I made it out of downtown Detroit before I was forced off the road. I'm a pretty big pussy, but no way was ANYONE driving that car without windshield wipers. I stumbled to a gas station, and asked for directions to a nearby miejer or (yeah, right, like one of these exists) 24 hour auto-supply store."Down street, maybe hef mile. (indistinguishable word) on your right."At this point, my car was going nowhere safely, so I bought an umbrella, and started walking. When I got to the 24 hour auto supply store, it was locked. I hammered on the door for 20 minutes, and nobody came to unlock it. The lights were on, and the big sign said, "OPEN" but, apparrently, today was "Hey, censored you!" day. Great. I trudged back to my car, drove through the Gas Station parking lot to a McDonald's, ordered 10 breakfast burritos, and ruined my month of hard dieting work.3 hours later, neck, back, and body sore from sleeping in my piece of shit car, feet and shoes soaked, miserable, and full of a seething rage only a misanthropic asshole like me can experience, I trudged back to the autosupply store.Sure enough, a 16 year old kid was there, stoned out of his gourd, hanging out with his stoner buddies. The whole place smelled like dope. They must have locked up, and gone in the back and gotten stoned. I had 5 breakfast burritos left over, so I just gave them to the little monsters, and the kid told me to, "just go ahead and grab whatever, as long as it's not too big." At least someone's having a good night... So I took a bottle of Rain-Ex, applied it to my car, and drove home. At this point, I notice it's light out, which means I can call the police and the banks to report my shit stolen.They are even less helpful, and if I talk about it, I'll probably become a terrorist.That's all I got. Wang
rough
Link to post
Share on other sites

that really sucks, dude. i'm sorry. i'd make you some peanut butter crackers if i could.here are some hilarious calvin and hobbes cartoons to brighten your day.calvin_and_hobbes-bad_mood.pngcalvin_and_hobbes-simple_man.pngcalvin_and_hobbes-ambition.pngcalvin_and_hobbes-blame.pngcalvin_and_hobbes-candidates.png

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wang, first post the story of what happened yesterday, that sounded pretty funny (for everyone but you).
Okay. I think a few days of heavy drinking have afforded me the emotional distance necessary to talk about Saturday. This probably won't be entertaining, because I lied about the emotional distance, and am still censored about it. So instead of telling a story, I'm going to just be complaining. Okay, so around 3 on Saturday, I went down to the casino to play some poker. I had a decent day playing poker (but got killed playing props), and at about 315AM I started feeling a little tired, so I decided to take my winnings and call it tonight. I took out my wallet, paid off the prop debt I owed, put the wallet into my back pocket, and stood to walk to the cage.After cashing out, I tossed the cash in my coat pocket and scurried to the little boys' room. On the way, some guy bumped into me. He almost knocked me over, but mumbled an apology and walked off. I drained the skinny weasel, and wandered to my car. When I got to the teller at the parking garage, I reached into my pocket to grab my validated parking.Oh. censored me. After hassling with the woman in the booth, I finally received permission to backup, park again (after doing a little wrong-way driving), and go back into the casino. Conversation at downstairs ID check point:Guard: "ID?"Wang: "Oh, man... I think I left my wallet upstairs in the poker room. It had my ID in it, so...."Guard: "No ID, no entrance. No exceptions, kid."Wang: "Yeah, but I need to get back up there to check for my wallet... Just call up there, man. I was playing at table 4. Donna was dealing to me. She'll remember me, because I called her Debra all night, and even sang to her, until she corrected me..."Guard: "Sorry, the rules apply to everyone..."Wang: "You must not understand... How about you find somebody to escort me up there, maybe?"(15 minutes pass, during which the guard talks on his walkie-talkie, inadequately explaining the situation at least twice... finally someone in a suit comes, which I assume means salvation)Wang: (explains)Suit: "Sorry, son. I can't let you in unsupervised if you don't have a valid photo ID."Wang: (continues explaining, remaining polite, offering various forms of compromise)Suit: "You don't seem to understand sir. You're not getting in here."Wang: (threatens to burn casino to ground)Wang: (pulls out gun, kills 12, wounds 7)Wang: (slams head against wall until dead)Wang: (grits teeth) "Well, can someone escort me?"(30 minutes pass. Finally, someone escorts me to poker room. Of course, everyone knows me by name, including floor manger, who suggests that they "shoulda just called up, we'd've vouched for you!")Okay, so I look for my wallet, and can't find it. I get on my hands and knees, crawl around for at least 10 minutes. No dice. Wallet's gone. Then, I spend at least 40 minutes trying to find someone at the right security desk to help me so I can report it lost or stolen. I am hassled continually by my chaperone, who I suggest may be able to leave me alone, because I'd obviously been in the casino today. No, she has a job to do.Then, I spend at least 20 minutes securing a "free parking" pass, because my validated parking slip was in my wallet, which has somehow evaporated into thin air. Or, I realize at this point, into the hands of the guy I ran into on the way to the bathroom. Dude, I totally got pickpocketed. What a dope. At this point, I go BACK into the casino (which I'd just left) and deal with the same circus all over again. When I finally get to the security desk, I explain my theory, which gets nothing but a, "Yeah, that's prolly it." Can you check the security tapes? "No, I don't have the authority to authorize such an authorization." You're an idiot. Who can do that for me? "Nobody here. Call back tomorrow." I hate you, and this whole place. Here. This is cyanide. Eat it. Do humanity a favor.At this point, I'm exhausted, and I just want to drive home and get some sleep. Please GOD let me sleep. I'll deal with the authorities tomorrow, after I can just get some rest. So...Get in car. Hassle with lady in booth about parking. Get onto road. Get onto expressway. Notice it has started raining heavily. Turn on windshield wipers. Turn on windshield wipers. TURN ON WI-Better. Sheesh.Smell burning plastic. Notice smoke. Frown. Turn on... (sigh) Oh, come on!So, thankfully, I made it out of downtown Detroit before I was forced off the road. I'm a pretty big pussy, but no way was ANYONE driving that car without windshield wipers. I stumbled to a gas station, and asked for directions to a nearby miejer or (yeah, right, like one of these exists) 24 hour auto-supply store."Down street, maybe hef mile. (indistinguishable word) on your right."At this point, my car was going nowhere safely, so I bought an umbrella, and started walking. When I got to the 24 hour auto supply store, it was locked. I hammered on the door for 20 minutes, and nobody came to unlock it. The lights were on, and the big sign said, "OPEN" but, apparrently, today was "Hey, censored you!" day. Great. I trudged back to my car, drove through the Gas Station parking lot to a McDonald's, ordered 10 breakfast burritos, and ruined my month of hard dieting work.3 hours later, neck, back, and body sore from sleeping in my piece of shit car, feet and shoes soaked, miserable, and full of a seething rage only a misanthropic asshole like me can experience, I trudged back to the autosupply store.Sure enough, a 16 year old kid was there, stoned out of his gourd, hanging out with his stoner buddies. The whole place smelled like dope. They must have locked up, and gone in the back and gotten stoned. I had 5 breakfast burritos left over, so I just gave them to the little monsters, and the kid told me to, "just go ahead and grab whatever, as long as it's not too big." At least someone's having a good night... So I took a bottle of Rain-Ex, applied it to my car, and drove home. At this point, I notice it's light out, which means I can call the police and the banks to report my shit stolen.They are even less helpful, and if I talk about it, I'll probably become a terrorist.That's all I got. Wang
rough
everyone who writes Wang's posts should be given Pulitzer prices.Everyone who quotes his posts however should be beaten within inches of death. they're long and we've all read them. don't quote them. idiot.EDIT: pulitzer prices and lifetime supplies of breakfast buritos should be awarded not only to people posting Wang stories, but also those posting Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.
Link to post
Share on other sites
everyone who writes Wang's posts should be given Pulitzer prices.Everyone who quotes his posts however should be beaten within inches of death.  they're long and we've all read them.  don't quote them.  idiot.EDIT: pulitzer prices and lifetime supplies of breakfast buritos should be awarded not only to people posting Wang stories, but also those posting Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.
ahh, but perhaps I quoted it so I could get this exact reaction out of you. So in your effort to stop me from quoting similar posts in the future, you actually have just enticed me to continue my quoting ways. (sw)oh ya, and how high are pulitzer prices these days?
Link to post
Share on other sites
that really sucks, dude.  i'm sorry.  i'd make you some peanut butter crackers if i could.here are some hilarious calvin and hobbes cartoons to brighten your day.
True Story:I just got back from Borders, where I spent 50 dollars on Calvin and Hobbes Books, and now I feel better than I have in a week. MK = superhero.Thanks for the pickmeups, guys.Also, no fighting in Shimmering Wang vehicles, okay?Nell and DannyG, if you two don't stop fighting I WILL TURN THIS CAR A-ROUND!Wang
Link to post
Share on other sites
I just got back from Borders, where I spent 50 dollars on Calvin and Hobbes Books, and now I feel better than I have in a week.  MK = superhero.
I do what I can. Calvin always cheers me up when I'm feelin' blue. And since I'm 65% convinced that you ARE me 3 years ago, I figured he'd cheer you up too.
Link to post
Share on other sites

That is one hell of a night Wang. And even though it sucked, you still managed to throw in a few LOL moments. NH

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just got back from Borders, where I spent 50 dollars on Calvin and Hobbes Books, and now I feel better than I have in a week.  MK = superhero.
I do what I can. Calvin always cheers me up when I'm feelin' blue. And since I'm 65% convinced that you ARE me 3 years ago, I figured he'd cheer you up too.
That rhymed. NH
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey, I was just joking around, HE STARTED IT!!! WAANG, DANNY CALLED ME AN IDIOT!! (in whiny little kid voice)
he keeps touching me...can't believe no one's pointed out that to insult nell, i in fact quoted wang myself. though i assume that you guys are smart enough to give me enough credit that i did realize that.average IQ of person: 100average IQ of person in Wang story thread: 374
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Announcements


×
×
  • Create New...