Jump to content

the shimmering wang and the homecoming queen


Recommended Posts

Alright, this story might ramble on a little bit. It's probably better suited to some combination of stories. I might even break it up. Here goes.Okay, in highschool I was a pretty big dork. I was the captain of the debate team, the mock trial team, and, of all things, the baseball team. I was a Quiz Bowl ringer. You get the picture. Dork-city. When I moved (back) to the school I graduated from in 10th grade, I was The New Kid, and since I'd lived there before, and Moved Away, there was an even greater sense of mystery. I could have taken advantage, pulled a KowboyKoop, and banged lots of hot chicks, probably, but I fucked it all up by becoming friends with The Fat Kid, the Muslim Kid, and like all the nerds. (shrug) They were the most fun, and I don't regret it for a momentFor some reason, the "IT" girl (let's call her Beth) at my highschool was always very friendly with me. She was really pretty, really smart, but easily the most awkward human being on the planet. Just the worst. She was fidgety and insecure, and her ability to make normal conversation was almost nonexistant. She'd approach me in the hallway to chat, turn into a deer in headlights, say something really, REALLY absurd, then almost start crying and walk away. (While you're reading this, please imagine her doing everything in the MOST awkward fashion possible.) She was just an absurd human being, but I liked her, and she was hot. In typical highschool fashion, during junior year, I found out she had a thing for me. I didn't date all that much (girls = hard work), but I was willing to give this girl a shot. We'd been chatting, and I asked her to go see a movie, figuring it was relatively harmless and boring fun that not even I could screw up. She wanted to see "The Others." I tried to talk her into something else, but she was adamant. "We're seeing The Others. It'll be scary."Well, long story short, it wasn't scary. It was horrible. I ruined the movie for the whole theater by quickly pointing out that Nicole Kidman was obviously dead, and then, less than halfway through the movie, fell asleep. For at least an hour. I'm told I snored lightly, from time to time. Beth told me we could hang out again when, "I decided I wanted to be a gentleman" (or something equally cuntish). We didn't talk at all for the next month.She came around, and started flirting with me again. One night, I was hanging out with some kids, standing around a keg, and the subject of Beth came up. She was good-looking, but she was an all-state skiier, and she had GIGANTIC thigh muscles. So, in front of like 20 people who were friends with her, I was a little drunk, and jokingly referred to her as "Meathocks." I then proceeded to act out a little skit of why going down on her would be a terrible idea. "What if she squeezed her legs together? It'd be like poppin' the flower off the stem of a dandelion. Or like when Gallagher gets crazy with a Watermelon."So, of course, the nickname "Meathocks" stuck permanently, and eventually she found out it was me that gave it to her. She was furious, and I denied it, claiming someone else said it first, and I merely repeated it, and that each and every one of her friends that swore it was me was mistaken, and my notoriously drunken antics were not to blame. She bought it, until someone repeated the story I told about the dangers of "Meathockillingus." I started laughing, which was bad, but we were talking on the phone, so she couldn't slap me. Which was good. Eventually she came around, accepted my sincerest apologies, and gave me another chance. Well, I think it ended up being a lot more chances. The summer tried her patience:1) We were making out in my basement, and, for some stupid reason, I called her by her best friend's name (who was a notorious slut). After I convinced her it was just a brain-malfunction and that I'd never hooked up with her friend, I did it again, except on purpose and for fun, and she didn't think it was funny. We didn't talk for a week.2) On my birthday, she wanted to take me out to dinner. I forgot all about it, and got drunk. At the last minute, I remembered, and had a friend drop me off at the restaurant. She asked if I was drunk, I said, "nooooooo" and quickly followed that gem up with "I've gotta get back to the guys. They're gonna pick me up in like an hour, so is it okay if we, like, skip the appetizers?" It was apparently not okay. Who knew?3) I forgot her birthday, which was apparently DOUBLY bad, becuause it was also our one-month anniversary. She said hoping for 1 out of 2 shouldn't be too much to ask. I beg to differ. You should know better if you choose to date The Shimmering Wang4) She wanted to lose her virginity, and found out I wasn't a virgin. This made her upset, and she didn't talk to me for a week. This is when I started thinking she might actually be real crazy, not just stupid girl crazy. (Later I met other, crazier girls, and determined Beth was mostly just stupid girl crazy.)5) She started talking to me again, and was again intent on joining the ranks of the deflowered. We were getting near the Big Moment, when she put on some Dave Matthews CD. I put my foot down, and stuck to my principles. "I'm not having my first time with you be to Dave Matthews. I fucking hate Dave Matthews; I refuse." Then she put on her second choice, which was "Master of Puppets" by Metallica. I laughed, she threatened me, I laughed uncontrollably, and she kicked me out of her house. Easily a top 5 absurdity of my life. For like half a millisecond I regretted laughing, until I realized that Beth wanting to lose her virginity to "Leper Messiah" or "Battery" was probably the funniest thing that every happened in the history of life. After that, we were broken up again, until senior year. I'd been kinda seeing other people, but I didn't want to hurt Beth's feelings, so I kept it pretty private. The only girl I hooked up with more than once went to a rival highschool, so I figured there was no way Beth would find out and be pissed (even though I had done nothing wrong, it's always better to be safe with crazy girls). So I figured she wanted me to ask her to Homecoming, so I did, and she said yes, and she was happy. Yay, for being happy.Boo for taking a crazy girl to the dance.She wanted to go with all her friends, and my friends were watching the X-files or something, so I didn't put up much of a fight. Well, we ended up in a group of like 8 couples. The dance was, to put it succinctly, an absolute disaster. Perhaps another list.1) I convinced one of the other guys in our group to get drunk with me at dinner. We would make an excuse, sneak out of sight, go to the car, and take a shot or drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade ("dude, this'll keep the booze off yer breath, man!" Good point, Steve-the-dumb-Jock.). The excuses to leave kept getting more and more ridiculous, a combination of our increasing intoxication, and the limited number of reasons to leave a formal dinner table at a nice restaurant. The final one, during dessert, was, "We're cold, so we're gonna grab our coats from the car." Unfortunately, the penultimate excuse was, "We're hot, so we're gonna go ahead and drop these coats off in the car." 2) The menu was a la carte, and I made sure the get all the ladies non-priced menus, like the classy guy I am. She ended up ordering a gigantic lobster (enough to feed like 2 people) and a baked potato, and a salad, and 3 non-freely refilled pops. She took one bite of the lobster, proclaimed it "icky" and asked for a box, so she could take it home and give it to her dog. Total bill for date? 135 dollars. Total calories consumed by date? <300. Rage factor? 100%3) The girl from the rival school that I'd hooked up with over the summer was randomly at the same restaurant, as they had their homecoming that night, too. She was REALLY drunk, stumbled up to me, demanded I hug her, kissed me sloppily on the cheek, and told me to call her back sometime soon. Of course, the catty girls at MY table starting telling stories about how she was a notorious slut. I made the (very, very big) mistake of defending her, and calling her "a sweetheart." Ooops. Table got pretty frosty after that. I sensed the evening was in danger. "Hey, Steve. Let's go put our, uh, coats in the car...."4) We got to the dance. I was a perfect gentleman, and danced with her all night, making up for my earlier blunder(s). It helped that I was a little tanked. She told me the Homecoming Queen presentation was soon, so I couldn't wander off because she wanted me to escort her to the stage when they called her. Of course, I wandered off to judge a breakdancing contest in the hallway, and missed the whole thing. She won, of course, and was mega-embarrassed when she didn't have anyone to dance the Queen's Dance with. Sometimes you just gotta stiff your date to judge a breakdancing contest. (shrug)5) She was so ticked, that after the dance, she told me to just drop her off at home. She kissed me on the cheek, and I sincerely apologized for the night. I told her I'd make it up to her, and that I'd call her tomorrow. Well, I went to an after-party that night and made out with a sophomore chick. Someone took a picture, Beth saw it, and she hardly spoke to me again until college... Except for the time she called me a bastard at my graduation open-house in front of my entire extended family. Okay, so that's it for highschool. If you guys wanna hear about The College Years (we went to the same college, and proceeded to humiliate each other for at least 2 more years), say so. Wang

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 51
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Alright, this story might ramble on a little bit.  It's probably better suited to some combination of stories.  I might even break it up.  Here goes.Okay, in highschool I was a pretty big dork.  I was the captain of the debate team, the mock trial team, and, of all things, the baseball team.  I was a Quiz Bowl ringer.  You get the picture.  Dork-city.  When I moved (back) to the school I graduated from in 10th grade, I was The New Kid, and since I'd lived there before, and Moved Away, there was an even greater sense of mystery.  I could have taken advantage, pulled a KowboyKoop, and banged lots of hot chicks, probably, but I fucked it all up by becoming friends with The Fat Kid, the Muslim Kid, and like all the nerds.  (shrug) They were the most fun, and I don't regret it for a momentFor some reason, the "IT" girl (let's call her Beth) at my highschool was always very friendly with me.  She was really pretty, really smart, but easily the most awkward human being on the planet.  Just the worst.  She was fidgety and insecure, and her ability to make normal conversation was almost nonexistant.  She'd approach me in the hallway to chat, turn into a deer in headlights, say something really, REALLY absurd, then almost start crying and walk away.  (While you're reading this, please imagine her doing everything in the MOST awkward fashion possible.)   She was just an absurd human being, but I liked her, and she was hot.  In typical highschool fashion, during junior year, I found out she had a thing for me.  I didn't date all that much (girls = hard work), but I was willing to give this girl a shot.  We'd been chatting, and I asked her to go see a movie, figuring it was relatively harmless and boring fun that not even I could screw up.  She wanted to see "The Others."  I tried to talk her into something else, but she was adamant.  "We're seeing The Others.  It'll be scary."Well, long story short, it wasn't scary.  It was horrible.  I ruined the movie for the whole theater by quickly pointing out that Nicole Kidman was obviously dead, and then, less than halfway through the movie, fell asleep.  For at least an hour.  I'm told I snored lightly, from time to time.  Beth told me we could hang out again when, "I decided I wanted to be a gentleman" (or something equally cuntish).  We didn't talk at all for the next month.She came around, and started flirting with me again.  One night, I was hanging out with some kids, standing around a keg, and the subject of Beth came up.  She was good-looking, but she was an all-state skiier, and she had GIGANTIC thigh muscles.  So, in front of like 20 people who were friends with her, I was a little drunk, and jokingly referred to her as "Meathocks."  I then proceeded to act out a little skit of why going down on her would be a terrible idea.  "What if she squeezed her legs together?  It'd be like poppin' the flower off the stem of a dandelion.  Or like when Gallagher gets crazy with a Watermelon."So, of course, the nickname "Meathocks" stuck permanently, and eventually she found out it was me that gave it to her.  She was furious, and I denied it, claiming someone else said it first, and I merely repeated it, and that each and every one of her friends that swore it was me was mistaken, and my notoriously drunken antics were not to blame.  She bought it, until someone repeated the story I told about the dangers of "Meathockillingus."  I started laughing, which was bad, but we were talking on the phone, so she couldn't slap me.  Which was good.  Eventually she came around, accepted my sincerest apologies, and gave me another chance.  Well, I think it ended up being a lot more chances.  The summer tried her patience:1) We were making out in my basement, and, for some stupid reason, I called her by her best friend's name (who was a notorious censored).  After I convinced her it was just a brain-malfunction and that I'd never hooked up with her friend, I did it again, except on purpose and for fun, and she didn't think it was funny.  We didn't talk for a week.2) On my birthday, she wanted to take me out to dinner.  I forgot all about it, and got drunk.  At the last minute, I remembered, and had a friend drop me off at the restaurant.  She asked if I was drunk, I said, "nooooooo" and quickly followed that gem up with "I've gotta get back to the guys.  They're gonna pick me up in like an hour, so is it okay if we, like,  skip the appetizers?"  It was apparently not okay.  Who knew?3) I forgot her birthday, which was apparently DOUBLY bad, becuause it was also our one-month anniversary.  She said hoping for 1 out of 2 shouldn't be too much to ask.  I beg to differ.  You should know better if you choose to date The Shimmering Wang4) She wanted to lose her virginity, and found out I wasn't a virgin.  This made her upset, and she didn't talk to me for a week.  This is when I started thinking she might actually be real crazy, not just stupid girl crazy.  (Later I met other, crazier girls, and determined Beth was mostly just stupid girl crazy.)5) She started talking to me again, and was again intent on joining the ranks of the deflowered.  We were getting near the Big Moment, when she put on some Dave Matthews CD.  I put my foot down, and stuck to my principles.  "I'm not having my first time with you be to Dave Matthews.  I fucking hate Dave Matthews;  I refuse."  Then she put on her second choice, which was  "Master of Puppets" by Metallica.  I laughed, she threatened me, I laughed uncontrollably, and she kicked me out of her house.  Easily a top 5 absurdity of my life.  For like half a millisecond I regretted laughing, until I realized that Beth wanting to lose her virginity to "Leper Messiah" or "Battery" was probably the funniest thing that every happened in the history of life.  After that, we were broken up again, until senior year.  I'd been kinda seeing other people, but I didn't want to hurt Beth's feelings, so I kept it pretty private.  The only girl I hooked up with more than once went to a rival highschool, so I figured there was no way Beth would find out and be censored (even though I had done nothing wrong, it's always better to be safe with crazy girls).  So I figured she wanted me to ask her to Homecoming, so I did, and she said yes, and she was happy.  Yay, for being happy.Boo for taking a crazy girl to the dance.She wanted to go with all her friends, and my friends were watching the X-files or something, so I didn't put up much of a fight.  Well, we ended up in a group of like 8 couples.  The dance was, to put it succinctly, an absolute disaster.  Perhaps another list.1) I convinced one of the other guys in our group to get drunk with me at dinner.  We would make an excuse, sneak out of sight, go to the car, and take a shot or drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade ("dude, this'll keep the booze off yer breath, man!"  Good point, Steve-the-dumb-Jock.).  The excuses to leave kept getting more and more ridiculous, a combination of our increasing intoxication, and the limited number of reasons to leave a formal dinner table at a nice restaurant.  The final one, during dessert, was, "We're cold, so we're gonna grab our coats from the car."  Unfortunately, the penultimate excuse was, "We're hot, so we're gonna go ahead and drop these coats off in the car."  2) The menu was a la carte, and I made sure the get all the ladies non-priced menus, like the classy guy I am.  She ended up ordering a gigantic lobster (enough to feed like 2 people) and a baked potato, and a salad, and 3 non-freely refilled pops.  She took one bite of the lobster, proclaimed it "icky" and asked for a box, so she could take it home and give it to her dog.  Total bill for date?  135 dollars.  Total calories consumed by date?  <300.  Rage factor?  100%3) The girl from the rival school that I'd hooked up with over the summer  was randomly at the same restaurant, as they had their homecoming that night, too.  She was REALLY drunk, stumbled up to me, demanded I hug her, kissed me sloppily on the cheek, and told me to call her back sometime soon.  Of course, the catty girls at MY table starting telling stories about how she was a notorious censored.  I made the (very, very big) mistake of defending her, and calling her "a sweetheart."  Ooops.  Table got pretty frosty after that.  I sensed the evening was in danger.  "Hey, Steve.  Let's go put our, uh, coats in the car...."4) We got to the dance.  I was a perfect gentleman, and danced with her all night, making up for my earlier blunder(s).  It helped that I was a little tanked.  She told me the Homecoming Queen presentation was soon, so I couldn't wander off because she wanted me to escort her to the stage when they called her.  Of course, I wandered off to judge a breakdancing contest in the hallway, and missed the whole thing.  She won, of course, and was mega-embarrassed when she didn't have anyone to dance the Queen's Dance with.  Sometimes you just gotta stiff your date to judge a breakdancing contest.  (shrug)5) She was so ticked, that after the dance, she told me to just drop her off at home.  She kissed me on the cheek, and I sincerely apologized for the night.  I told her I'd make it up to her, and that I'd call her tomorrow.  Well, I went to an after-party that night and made out with a sophomore chick.  Someone took a picture, Beth saw it, and she hardly spoke to me again until college... Except for the time she called me a bastard at my graduation open-house in front of my entire extended family.  Okay, so that's it for highschool.  If you guys wanna hear about The College Years (we went to the same college, and proceeded to humiliate each other for at least 2 more years), say so.  Wang
I :club: WANG
Link to post
Share on other sites
5) She started talking to me again, and was again intent on joining the ranks of the deflowered.  We were getting near the Big Moment, when she put on some Dave Matthews CD.  I put my foot down, and stuck to my principles.  "I'm not having my first time with you be to Dave Matthews.  I fucking hate Dave Matthews;  I refuse."  Then she put on her second choice, which was  "Master of Puppets" by Metallica.  I laughed, she threatened me, I laughed uncontrollably, and she kicked me out of her house.  Easily a top 5 absurdity of my life.  For like half a millisecond I regretted laughing, until I realized that Beth wanting to lose her virginity to "Leper Messiah" or "Battery" was probably the funniest thing that every happened in the history of life.  
This is the single greatest thing mine eyes have ever peered upon.EDIT: I will be listening to "Master of Puppets" throughout the day in your honor.
Link to post
Share on other sites
This is the single greatest thing mine eyes have ever peered upon.
Me, too. I was thinking yesterday about The Greatest Things in the History of the World Ever, and I'm pretty sure I decided that was #1. Someone else argued for electricity or something, but that's too pedestrian.
Link to post
Share on other sites
This is the single greatest thing mine eyes have ever peered upon.
Me, too. I was thinking yesterday about The Greatest Things in the History of the World Ever, and I'm pretty sure I decided that was #1. Someone else argued for electricity or something, but that's too pedestrian.
dude, college years....GO!
Link to post
Share on other sites

The main reason I write these self-defacing stories is to kinda try and keep my seldom-used writing skills "un-super-dull." I write these up as quickly as possible and don't edit them (hence the typos, and frequent appearances by the evil censor), so that kinda defeats the purpose... BUT, if you guys want to, you could help me out a lot, by doing any of the following1) Noting anything that is unclear2) Noting anything that is ineffective3) Noting anything that is unamusingly clumsy. My occassional overuse of "and" and quasi-runon sentences IS intentional.4) Noting any improvements I could make, especially stylisticallyI can take criticism, so feel free to mention absolutely anything you think I could work on. I will challenge any and all criticisms, though, because I'll only accept a critique as valid (even if I tend to agree with it) if the crtic can support it.Thanks guys. I appreciate it. And thanks for humoring me, and trying to convince me of the value of my wholly unamusing stories.Cheers,Shimmering Wang

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is the single greatest thing mine eyes have ever peered upon.
Me, too. I was thinking yesterday about The Greatest Things in the History of the World Ever, and I'm pretty sure I decided that was #1. Someone else argued for electricity or something, but that's too pedestrian.
yeah seriously. It beats the wheel and sliced bread by like 100 awesome points.
Link to post
Share on other sites

seriously man, write a book.no seriously, write one.I'm not kidding, you gotta write a book.no really, title it "The Life of the Wang" or somethingseriously, I'm not kidding, this shit is goldno jokes, toss in a little hyperbole, and you have a bestsellerseriously...do it.seriously

Link to post
Share on other sites
seriously man, write a book.no seriously, write one.I'm not kidding, you gotta write a book.no really, title it "The Life of the Wang" or somethingseriously, I'm not kidding, this censored is goldno jokes, toss in a little hyperbole, and you have a bestsellerseriously...do it.seriously
are you serious?
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yea call it "Shimmering Wang's Memoir" and even if it isn't truthful you will make a lot of money. So what if it turns out to be untruthful in the end you can just apologize and you still got all that money in your pocket. It really is a fail-proof plan.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yea call it "Shimmering Wang's Memoir" and even if it isn't truthful you will make a lot of money. So what if it turns out to be untruthful in the end you can just apologize and you still got all that money in your pocket. It really is a fail-proof plan.
Reminds me of Today's foxtrot.
Link to post
Share on other sites
The main reason I write these self-defacing stories is to kinda try and keep my seldom-used writing skills "un-super-dull." I write these up as quickly as possible and don't edit them (hence the typos, and frequent appearances by the evil censor), so that kinda defeats the purpose... BUT, if you guys want to, you could help me out a lot, by doing any of the following1) Noting anything that is unclear2) Noting anything that is ineffective3) Noting anything that is unamusingly clumsy. My occassional overuse of "and" and quasi-runon sentences IS intentional.4) Noting any improvements I could make, especially stylisticallyI can take criticism, so feel free to mention absolutely anything you think I could work on. I will challenge any and all criticisms, though, because I'll only accept a critique as valid (even if I tend to agree with it) if the crtic can support it.Thanks guys. I appreciate it. And thanks for humoring me, and trying to convince me of the value of my wholly unamusing stories.Cheers,Shimmering Wang
Just a few details I'd like to see in the next chapter...1) The drinking is good... more would be better2) Try to slip in a stinking fart once in a while3) In the descriptions of characters, include yellowing teeth or open sores4) Try to include the word "toilet"... uncleaned if possibleGreat read.. I give it high marks
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Announcements


×
×
  • Create New...