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January 24, 2006 in General
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Chrozzo makes me happy
this is a bit long-winded, but i had to get some shit off my chest, so read/respond if you want, or ignore it, i really don't care...so lately i have been in this "mood" of sorts. basically, i just do not care about anything. i am failing to see the point in anything anymore, and i'm not exactly sure why. in the past 3 years or so i have been seriously considering whether or not i can continue to believe in the existence of God, which has been one of my core beliefs for a very long time. i think it all began a while back when the girl i was seeing (that i fell in love with and felt fated to be with--you might remember the story, it was posted in the old batcave) left me for some random asshole, ripping not only my heart, but also my soul into millions of pieces. i was severely depressed for a good 6 months, so bad in fact that i lost 60 pounds in less than 6 weeks, prompting my mother to think i had cancer. there was nothing i could do to lift myself up out of the misery i was in, and all i could do is turn to God for help. i remember praying pretty much every single free moment i had that He would do something to ease the pain i felt, but it seemed to just get worse every day. these days whenever i find myself feeling ok, something sucker punches me in the balls to remind me of how miserable i was. something always seems to find its way to me to let me know just how much the whole thing changed me for the worse. granted, it is in no way close to what i went through, but there's always that reminder. it's hard to explain really, so at this point i'm just hoping you know what i'm trying to say. i'm not wallowing in depression or hoping to get her back, because i have absolutely no desire to ever speak to her again. it's more like a reminder that i can't ever seem to get what i want, that i can't ever seem to find true happiness without losing it as quickly as i found it.i have always been one to believe in fate, destiny, God's will, or whatever you want to call it. i have always thought that there is a path that we are all on, and try as we might to do otherwise, we will always end up where we are supposed to be. this in and of itself pisses me off. if there is nothing anyone can do to change their destiny, why the fuck should we do anything at all? i'm in school trying to finish my degree, but for what? in pursuit of what? a life i'll end up with anyways? and if the life i am striving for is not my destiny, then i'm just wasting my time trying. and what if my destiny sucks? what if i am really just destined to be miserable? there really isn't a reason to try otherwise if i'm always just going to end up right back at the bottom. if there is no way to avoid our destiny, why the hell should we do anything? if you try to veer away from your charted path, you'll just end up right where you were supposed to be, and so nothing we do matters when it comes down to it. this potentially being the case has me seriously doubting that if there even is a God, there is absolutely no way i can believe in the slightest that He gives a fuck about anyone. and i really don't like feeling this way. i really don't want to turn into one of those people that thinks life is against them, and that just wallows in self-pity with a "woe is me" attitude. lately i just do not see the point in anything. please don't give me the "well, i think we make our own destiny!" rebuttals, because if that were the case, i wouldn't find myself always ending up in the same place no matter which road i take, no matter how hard i try to get away from it. secondly, no some girl didn't recently break my heart, and no i didn't recently run into the girl from the first part of this rant. nothing has happened recently to make me feel like this, it is more of a culmination of the last 3 years of my life. i'm just starting to feel like there is no real meaning to life, and that there is no real reason to do anything...and it sucks.
I think we've all been "there" to some degree and I doubt you are going to find an answer here...if anywhere.If I could offer a suggestion... stop looking. Maybe there is no point.... maybe there is no reason for anything. From a philosophy class... I learned a little phrase called Dayenu (very Jewish...I know) but it literally means... "If nothing else happens today, THIS made me happy". There has to be something everyday that is good to you.... cup of coffee, watching the sun rise, eating a sandwich.... something. I think the exercise is to teach us to find small bits of happiness and stop looking for big happiness.Not that big happiness wont happen...just if you expect it to come...or wait for it to come... the waiting and/or disappointment may outweigh the overall happiness when it comes.I wont go all religious on you about asking God for guidance and feeling you didn't get it.... but I can say that I don't believe giving up nor continuing to believe in a God is the answer. It sounds like you just need personal happiness right now. If you can't make yourself happy...there's no way you can make someone else happy.Earth has been around for billions of years... mankind has been on Earth for thousands of years... you are 1 of about 7 trillion people on Earth and you are expected to live for only about 80 years. Find SOMETHING everyday that makes you happy. And don't be afraid to seek medical help...chemical imbalance could be the root cause of this and it's nothing to be ashamed of and can be treated with a simple pill a day.Good luck, my friend!
please don't give me the "well, i think we make our own destiny!" rebuttals, because if that were the case, i wouldn't find myself always ending up in the same place no matter which road i take,
Oh hi guys.New HangukMiguk news:I'm getting married on July 23rd. To a Korean woman. Thus making my username self-fulfilling prophecy.We are also moving to China on August 18th.
so happy for you Corey! hope with all thats going on and your new family you wont forget about your old "family' here in the hideout! lol
I'm getting married on July 23rd. To a Korean woman. Thus making my username self-fulfilling prophecy.
We are also moving to China on August 18th.
But you know I'm still around from time to time. Wish I could say that about everybody.
Have fun Corey.... don't spit gum on the sidewalk.
I thought that was Singapore.
They have large things that go into that small place?
(watch out for Godzirra too)
for any of you that ever played the zelda games on N64 (ocarina of time and majora's mask), you might enjoy the badass epicness of
I stop by now and then as well :-)In poker news, I cashed in one of the prelim events at the last Foxwoods Deep Stack.
motherfucker...but enough about the prodigal son returning for one comment then fading back into the shadows (we know, you're busy picking all the red m&m's out of the bowl in k.c.'s dressing room, and that for every one she finds it means cattle prod in the anus and brass knuckles to the scrotum...so you aren't trying all that hard but hey, you gotta make it look like it's "punishment")...
FYI- New kelly album drops oct 24th. bam.
Livin' the dream baby.Anyway, I honestly totally forgot about this place for a long time, or else I would've been back to say hi a while ago.I've been relatively busy with the band I'm in, as well as work (meh) and my recent fitness mission. I hit around 230 lbs last year and decided it was time for me to get un-fat, so I started working out hard (if anyone's looking for a good program to get on hit me up. I'll send u the link to the routine/meal plan I use) and eating right and am around 185 at the moment. No sleep til' six pack. I haven't played poker in forever. i don't think I remember how. What's up here?
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