american beauty

[Merby 3]

Wow, great post, DrawingDead. I'm sorry that it took me so long to find this thread --perhaps I should start occassionally checking out off topic.I can totally relate to what you're going through (yes, even at this crazy hour...) I am 26 and have just started my Ph.D. in mathematics at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, Canada. Sounds great... except I am quite certain I don't want to be a math professor. I am fortunate to have always done well at school, hence could go to whatever university I wanted and studied whatever I wanted to study... The problem was, I never knew what I wanted (I still don't...)My mom really had a hard time convincing me to even go to university in the first place (I wanted to be a pilot)... I finally decided to go to university, chose a math major simply because the math department had the best of both worlds: no labs (like arts courses) and essays (like science courses). My summer jobs while at university were always the same thing: glider instructor. After all, I still thought I wanted to be a pilot.After my B.Sc. I got my first regular 9-5 job. So what did 4 years of university and a science degree get me? A job as a server at a truck stop resturant. -ugh! ...and that's after 5 months of searching for a job (I did have one other job offer: shift supervisor at... Wendy's) Talk about lack of motivation! Well, I lasted 4 months as a server before quitting just in time for one more summer as a glider instructor/tow pilot. Having decided the university degree wasn't enough to secure me a nice (motivated) future, I decided to try my pilot carreer. At this point I had been a private pilot for a little over 4 years, and had built up a comfortable amount of flying hours: enough to go get my commercial licence (necessary for securing employment as a pilot). I didn't even finish my commercial licence before I knew that I didn't want to have a carreer as a pilot.-- This turned out to be an excellent decision: I have a lot of friends who are pilots, many of them are stuck in nowhere jobs earning less than minimum wage, with no hope for advancement anytime soon. The effects of 9/11 on aviation carreers will last for manyyears to come. The pilot industry can be equated to a traffic jam: you're stuck where you are, and nothing will change that anytime soon because there is no longer any "upward flow" for demand of pilots. That's not even mentionning the many friends of mine who have passed away in small plane crashes.Having decided to turn away from aviation, I went back to university. Why? Because it was a job with a future. I call it a job, because once you are in graduate school, it really is a job: the university pays you to go to school and expects you to do some teaching assistantships and research to compensate. The pay isn't great, but it's enough to live off, and has promises of much better wages in the future (when you're a professor)...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have pretty much wandering aimlessly since high school. I have never been highly motivated, and have never had and *real* goals. As long as there seems to be some direction in my life, I haven't complained much -- the only trouble is, I've never been excited about the direction my life is heading......What's next? I will probably finish my Ph.D. (only because I have already started it, and hate leaving things unfinished...) Meanwhile, I will play poker part time (i.e. 8 to 20 hours per week, depending on how much time university currently eats up...) I have just moved to Vancouver, so I am just making a new group of friends (that's going well) and hope to fill a void in my love life that has been empty since shortly before moving out here (another story for another time...) After that, I may try to find a job as a professor (because that is the next logical step), but right now I doubt it... Perhaps I will try to find a job in a related industry -- perhaps I will try turning pro (although I doubt it -- I need to do something meaningful for a carreer, and playing poker just doesn't cut it...) I have always been jealous of my friends who *knew* what they wanted out of life. I hope to some day have a goal and the drive to attain it...I'm starting to ramble at this hour (I've been up since noon yesterday...), so I had better sign off now...Cheers,Merby

[CrackofmyACE_FTP 0]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

Man I know exactly what you're feeling, and to have your heart shattered into a million pieces is one of the most miserable experiences a human being can have. I had mine ripped out of my chest and thrown into a blender about 2 years ago. It is late and I must hit the hay, but in work tommorrow when I'm inevitably doing nothing, wishing I wasn't there, I will put together a long post. I actually can't believe I'm going to do this - I haven't spoken of the breakup in detail in a LONG time, for obvious reasons, but this thread has inspired me. Stay tuned.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

Man I know exactly what you're feeling, and to have your heart shattered into a million pieces is one of the most miserable experiences a human being can have. I had mine ripped out of my chest and thrown into a blender about 2 years ago. It is late and I must hit the hay, but in work tommorrow when I'm inevitably doing nothing, wishing I wasn't there, I will put together a long post. I actually can't believe I'm going to do this - I haven't spoken of the breakup in detail in a LONG time, for obvious reasons, but this thread has inspired me. Stay tuned.

I'll be looking for it. Make sure you post it. I think talking about it does help.

[Dirtydutch 8]

I hate women. Except the ones in pornography. They’re submissive, and keep their annoying “opinions” to themselves.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

Relating to Dixie and Merby's posts: That is the only true fear that I have in my heart. Waking up one morning and realizing I’m not doing what I want to be doing and life has passed me by. I’m nineteen right now, but it seems like the days go by faster and faster with every passing night. I’m stuck some where I don’t want to be right now until the end of August because I have to wait until I turn 20 to get the job I want (A flight attendant for this airline.) It will be the perfect job to support me and provide me with opportunity while I’m building my Nutrition business.I know what I don’t want that is for sure. I don’t want to work for someone else my whole life. I don’t want to be a corporate slave. I don’t want to have a mediocre life. I know all the things I don’t want, but I’m scared because I don’t know how to achieve what I do want and on top of that, what if once I get there it’s not really what I thought it was going to be or I went about the? I’m unhappy and lonely, and what if I get all the money in the world but I’m still unhappy and lonely? I guess it sounds dumb, having never had any real sum of money and living a life at or below the poverty line to then go and say that money wouldn’t help.But I don’t know. Since my ex girlfriend left me, nothing I’ve done has felt right or sure. My future seems so uncertain now, and before when I was with her it seemed so much more certain. It’s the scariest feeling I’ve ever had.

[CrackofmyACE_FTP 0]

Alright here it goes Liberty. I met my ex girlfriend through a good friend of mine from Boston who went up to school at Norwich University in Vermont. He came down during the semester to go to a Bruins game with me and some friends, and randomly his roommates from his off campus apartment ran into us outside of the Boston Garden a couple hours before the game. My ex gf was living with her best friend and fiance, and my friend Adam from home. Kind of a weird combo for roommates but I guess it was a last minute arrangement just prior to the start of the fall semester.Anyways, we run into the 2 girls outside of the bar, everyones surprised at the coincidence of going to the same B's game without knowing etc etc, and I am introduced to Shannon. Up until that point in my life I had never believed in "love at first sight" but that was about to change. She was beautiful in every way imaginable. Blonde, great figure, beautiful blue eyes, awesome smile and soft spoken like the country girl that she was. She was everything that I wanted in a girl and a pleasant change from the cigarette smoking, cussing city trash that I'm used to seeing daily down here. Well, they wound up coming to the bar with us and we really hit it off. We exchanged numbers and then had to go our separate ways after going into the game, since their seats were on the other side of the garden, it was a full house that night, and they were heading back to Vermont immediately after the game.I let a few days go by and I called her. We talked for 4 hours the first night and it felt like 20 minutes. I continued talking to her on the phone for 2-3 weeks and we decided that we needed to see each other again. This by the way was a HUGE undertaking, since she lived in NORTHERN VERMONT along Lake Champlain and it was a 3 and a half hour ride. I didn't mind though, because I was really into her, and I dismissed the notion that a long distance relationship would never work out. That weekend (Valentines day 03) turned out to be the best weekend of my life. I was really falling for this girl. Three months later after we'd been visiting each other back and forth I told her I loved her and she said it back. Words could not describe how great it felt to say that and hear it back. It's something that I hope I get to experience again at some point in my life. I was happy every single day knowing that at the end of the work week I'd get to see my country angel. Everything in my life had structure, purpose, and direction and I had the reassurance that if things went wrong in other aspects of my life, she would always be there for me no matter what. Promises were exchanged back and forth between us and she was officially my "only one". Ok, now the bad part. Shannon had a lot of problems growing up. Unfortunately, as a small child she was molested repeatedly in a day care center and never spoke of it to her family until her mid teenage years. She was raped when she was 16 at a house party when she was visiting a friend in upstate NY also. She was put into therapy as a teenager but it didn't really help. She had serious emotional issues because of this and they played a negative role in our relationship. These issues created problems with respect to intimacy between the 2 of us, and I didn't know how to handle it. I was as understanding and respectful as possible to her but I couldn't help but not be sure if she just didn't want to be with me or if it was all truly because of her past and she couldnt help it. Eighteen months in our relationship began to deteriorate and she dropped the hammer on me over the phone after a camping trip weekend. I went up to stay with her and her family at a campground in NH and the weekend didn't go well. She was really distant the whole time and I just knew something was wrong. I confronted her about it and I could see the uncertainty in her eyes about where we were going in our relationship. After a long talk, full of tears on both sides, I decided to leave the campground prematurely...since I really felt uncomfortable spending the rest of the weekend with her and her family. That was the last time I ever saw her.A few days later I got the worst phone call of my life. She called me and ended it in the most brutal fashion imaginable. "Youre not the one for me, have a nice life etc etc". I remember being so astonished that I couldn't even believe it was her on the other end of the line. I couldn't even recognize her voice. In the aftermath of the breakup I did every desperate thing you could think of. Called her cring, made a CD fill of songs that made me think of her, and wrote her a long long letter spilling my guts. Then one day I woke up and realized that she was gone for good and there was nothing I could do to get her back.It took me months to even become a functional member of society again. I was totally heartbroken. I couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything for that matter. I didn't want to go out with my friends and I was convinced that noone else in the world could possibly know what I was going through, and that I'd never ever fall in love again. The worst part was accepting the fact that she was gone and I might not ever look into those eyes again and see that smile... and to this day that thought is still scary. I miss her.My advice to you, Liberty, and to anyone else who's had a similar experience, is to accept that certain things are beyond your control and realize that everything happens for a reason. I look at it in a "glass is half full" kinda way now. What if she hid her real feelings and ignored her issues for years and years, and we got married, and a decade into the relationship she realized that she could never be normal with a guy because of the horrors of her past and left me then? I think that would be much worse. Remember that every experience in life has a lesson in it, some more extreme than others, but moving forward and learning from each of them makes you a stronger person.I still don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I hope I do, I sure miss the feeling. And who knows, maybe sometime Shannon and I will cross paths again... if it was meant to be then it will happen. For now I will just continue to focus on things that make me happy and embrace the beautiful randomness of life. Who know when I'll bump into the next Shannon, right? Crack

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

I still don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I hope I do, I sure miss the feeling. And who knows, maybe sometime Shannon and I will cross paths again... if it was meant to be then it will happen. For now I will just continue to focus on things that make me happy and embrace the beautiful randomness of life. Who know when I'll bump into the next Shannon, right? Crack

You will, it just doesn't seem like it now.Not to compare tales of despair, but my breakup was way more f'd up then that (although it's all relative) and I was married for 4 years. Time does heal a lot.

[CrackofmyACE_FTP 0]

I still don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I hope I do, I sure miss the feeling. And who knows, maybe sometime Shannon and I will cross paths again... if it was meant to be then it will happen. For now I will just continue to focus on things that make me happy and embrace the beautiful randomness of life. Who know when I'll bump into the next Shannon, right? Crack

You will, it just doesn't seem like it now.Not to compare tales of despair, but my breakup was way more f'd up then that (although it's all relative) and I was married for 4 years. Time does heal a lot.

I'm sure it could've been much worse. I've heard many a horror story from people that have been through rougher relationship issues. It still hurts nonetheless though. I actually can't believe I just posted that.

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

I still don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I hope I do, I sure miss the feeling. And who knows, maybe sometime Shannon and I will cross paths again... if it was meant to be then it will happen. For now I will just continue to focus on things that make me happy and embrace the beautiful randomness of life. Who know when I'll bump into the next Shannon, right? Crack

You will, it just doesn't seem like it now.Not to compare tales of despair, but my breakup was way more f'd up then that (although it's all relative) and I was married for 4 years. Time does heal a lot.

I'm sure it could've been much worse. I've heard many a horror story from people that have been through rougher relationship issues. It still hurts nonetheless though. I actually can't believe I just posted that.

ah, don't feel bad, somewhere on the first army thread, I opened up and posted my sad tale. It's all good.Like I said, I'm sure it hurt more than anything. That's why I put its all relative. It probably hurt you more than anything else has. That's all that matters.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

Crack,Thanks for sharing that with me. I know that talking about the past, especially in such detail, can bring back negative emotions. Which is why I try not to talk about it a lot as I try to move on, but some times you just have to express yourself.Our situations were similar in some aspect. My ex-girlfriend was raped twice. Once by her ex boyfriend and the second time by a guy she met at her friend’s party. She never told her family about the first time, I was the only person she ever told. And the second time happened well we were together and she waited a year to tell me and her family after it happened.That was probably some of what contributed to part of our break up. I fucked up at one point when the shit hit the fan and asked her if she was really raped or she was just playing it off to get away with cheating on me. It was a dumb insecure thing for me to say and I’m pretty sure a part of our relationship died that night.But anyways we kept growing further and further apart until one day we had an explosive fight that broke the camels pack and she left my life.So now here I am. Living my life day by day. I completely understand embracing the randomness of life. That is what I do. I just go with the flow, where ever it takes me. Even though she left me nine months ago, it still hurts. A lot. Because of that pain nothing I do feels right. Feels like what I should be doing. I go to sleep and she is the last thing I think about at night. When I wake up in the morning she is the first thing I think about.I try to believe that one day I will be happy with another woman, happier! But… it’s not a conviction yet. The pain is still too raw. The part that pisses me off the most though is that even though I know in my mind I will be happy again, I have to go through all this to make myself feel it in my heart.But I guess you can’t get from point A to point B with out actually walking down the road that takes you there. I wish I could speed it up.. I’m sick of dealing with this pain. I’m sick of crying over her, I’m sick of missing the way she use to look at me when she really loved me with all her heart.But you are right. It is better. And compared to other people our stories don’t compare. If it is going to happen sooner or later, better sooner than later I always say. It could have always been worse. You could have gotten married and had kids then had this happen.But the fact that it could have been worse doesn’t do much to make me feel better right now. Like I said before though, I guess you got to go through this shit to get to the end of it. I just hope all the people that tell me that are right.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

I know now though because of the mistakes I made with her and the experience I’ve gained by being with her, that when the time comes for me to fall in love gain I will be better prepared for it.I’ll be a better boyfriend, a better lover and a better provider. Most of all, in my next relationship, I’ll be able to be a lot less selfish and insecure. And I couldn’t have reached that with out going through the things I did with my ex-girlfriend.It just upsets me to think that our relationship was a… training ground for that. That we had to hurt each other to see those things, to reach that point.I didn’t want my relationship with her to be that. That is not what I had in mind for us. But that is what it ended up being. And that hurts a lot right now too.“You have to break few eggs to make an omelet.” I didn’t want us to break for us to one day have a better relationship with other people. I wanted us to have a better relationship with each other.

[theredpill99 0]

Should I jump? Should I do it? Just end it?

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

Should I jump? Should I do it? Just end it?

Look, I don't know if you're a big fucking joke or not. I've read your old blogs, and you were normal, so maybe you're just fucking around on this site. Whatever. If you're seriously considering suicide, then I really, truly, hope you seek help. I'd even be willing to talk with you. But if you're fucking around, like I think you are, then don't do it on this thread. I will PM Admin, Gov, KDawg, whoever, and have your comments deleted, got it?This thread is intended for people who want to talk openly about what's really going on with the voids in their life. If you want to do that, then feel free--I mean it. But don't fuck around in here. Go to some other thread for that--there's plenty.

[CrackofmyACE_FTP 0]

Ignore the cancer that is theredpill99.Liberty, I can tell the wounds are still fresh and I know exactly how you feel. It's like you can't make it through a day without drifting off thinking about what you'd lost. It's a horrible, wretched state of mind to be in. But let me reassure you that it WILL get better. I know everyone is telling you that, and you don't believe it right now, but it really will. It's been a year and a half since we broke up and yea I still think about her but the pain is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. However, when you do find another beautiful girl that will make you happy, and you will, be careful not to search for the qualities of your ex in her. It is natural to do that but she is not the same person, and you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. I think a lot of people make this mistake, especially when they jump into a new relationship immediately following a break up. Good luck to you and remember to always look out for #1. You won't be able to make someone else happy until you are completely happy again, and only the passing of time will allow that to happen. Hang in there man.Crack

[theredpill99 0]

It was just a joke, geez. If I was, I wouldn't come to OOT to do it.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

I wouldn't mind some feedback on my last two blogs, especially the most recent one. Wondering if you guys think that was appropriate or the right thing to do. It's all explained in the blog.

[JSHamm 9]

DD, a couple of things, and please don't take them as crass ( I tend to come off that way at times); it's my simple observation.1. The tone of your blog and stroll down memory lane honestly suggests you're the one holding back from repairing the friendship. I don't know what she said or the situation around it, but if you miss her that much and value that relationship enough then don't be proud. If we all said and did the perfect thing in every one of life's situations, it wouldn't be only boring but pointless to do anything. I'm a firm believer that mistakes are the greatest part of life because it offers opportunities to expand and become better than who we are now. Off-handed comments happen (to me often) and while it's ok to be upset by them and to make that hurt known, it's also imperative to move past it. Words are just words until we make more out of them than needed. I think you proved that in your blog by sharing a lot of incredible moments you had with this friend. What do you remember more, the time spent together or what was said?2. In general, you seem to be looking for direction in life like most people in their low 20's. I wasn't any different. I can tell you this, though - Don't do it. Searching for a plan simply sucks because more often than not it doesn't go that way. I'm not going to the extreme of saying loaf around and what happens happens; rather, have an idea and work for it, but keep in mind where you're at now and go with that. If you don't want to do journalism then don't. I did it for a year and frankly detested every day of it. Short story: After college I was accepted to a MFA program for creative writing. I was dating this girl at the time and although things were going well I couldn't say it was very serious. One night we're out driving around and the topic of kids come up and she used a simile saying "Babies are durable like dogs". I have no idea why that struck me (I wouldn't put it in a book or anything), but it did and I knew there was something more there to her than some girl to pass the time with. Needless to say, with a few other things coming up and some financial issues, I never did get to that MFA program and I'm now married to that girl and we have two kids.For years I somewhat regreted never going for the MFA when I did, but I also wouldn't go back and do it any differently. At 29 now, I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be 10 years ago or planned to be, and with 30 looming it's interesting to say I'm glad about that. You could finish the journalism degree or you could drop it all and run some shrimp boat, but don't search for the answer to which is better for you. Honestly, it'll hit you hard when it's time to know and you'll realize there's no other choice. Really, just relax - maybe read some Vonnegut - you'll get through it just fine.Meh, take all that for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

Crack,Are you still in contact with your ex? Do you ever see her? Ever talk to her? Even if it’s just once in a great while to see how each other is doing?I ask because I have no contact with my ex-girlfriend. She won’t talk to me. She changed her cell phone number, she blocked my e-mails, she blocked my AOL screen names, and she threatened to have a block put on her parent’s phone. Don’t know if she ever did because I took the hint and left her alone, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she did.I just have to sit here and ask myself. How? How could a person tell some one they will love you forever no matter what, and then do that to you? It wasn’t enough that she had to take off while I was at work one day like a thief in the night. Like I was some scum bag abusive husband and she had no other choice. She just cut off all contact with me. After three years?That’s where I’m fucked up. Because I don’t understand as a person, as a human being, how do you have such disregard for another persons emotions that you claimed you loved so much at one point in your life, to just cut them out of your life like that.I understand people grow apart. Relationships die out. Some times… it’s just not meant to be. But if the shoe was on the other foot and the role was reversed, I would have never done those things to her. The way she ended things was the most horrible insensitive thing any one has ever done to me.But in the end. Does it make it better? It hurts more now, but is it for the best? My parents are getting separated, and maybe one day divorced. Some times though, they see each other. Over the holidays I came home for Christmas so my mother stayed at my father’s house, and they slept together and were affectionate with each other.It’s the same situation. Two people that aren’t meant to be together any more, even though they still love each other. But it seems like it’s easier to deal with for them because they can see each other and in a sense be there for each other to help each other through this.I feel alone. Completely alone. Even if it wasn’t meant to be, some times I just wish I could see her. Just have one more night with her. Make love one last time. Anything. It seems like it would be so much easier to move on.

[CrackofmyACE_FTP 0]

Holy Smokes Liberty. Your post reminds me so much of me its insane. Its like I wrote it 8 months ago, because the same exact questions were haunting me night and day.To answer your first question, no I don't maintain any contact with her at all. I haven't spoken to my ex since March of 05. After we broke up, once I accepted the fact that it was over and gave up on calling her for good, she started calling me again. Not to be civil or talk things through like a normal person, but to deliberately make me feel horrible and rub it in my face when she was out having a good time with friends etc. At that point I was so sickened by her actions that I wanted nothing to do with her and stopped answering my phone whenever she called. This of course made her call me even more, and after a month or so of not answering my phone I finally picked up. We had a "shoot the sh*t" type conversation and I made it a point not to bring up my feelings at any point during the phone call. I had already spilled my heart out to this girl time and time again and I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of hearing my heart felt emotions anymore. We had a few more of these "nothing" conversations and that was it. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months without hearing from her. My guess is she found someone else.Our situations seem to be the same in a lot of ways. For the first 2 months or so after the breakup my words just bounced off of her. There was nothing I wanted more in the world than to see her one last time, to hear her say I love you again, to look into her eyes again and feel her warmth one last time, but she was as cold as ice about it. It was like she took everything we'd been through together, all of our experiences that had contributed to us growing close throughout our relationship, and flushed them down the toilet without even thinking twice about it. She dropped me like a bad habit. Aside from the overwhelming need to see her again, and the heartache I felt from losing that one that I'd grown to trust and love so much, the feelings that really took over were that of BETRAYAL and DISBELIEF. I never ever would've thought in a million years that she'd be capable of ending it the way she did. It was like she dropped the guillotine blade then went about her business like I never even EXISTED. That hurt the most, because I had devoted so much of my being into our relationship and to think that it was never REAL love to begin with was absolutely devastating. Why she ended it the way she did is a question that will likely remain unanswered, and its something I have to live with. Did she feel the need to hurt someone else because she'd been hurt so many times in her past? I don't know. But maybe.I pose this question to you now. If someone is capable of doing that to you, is she really even worth the heartache? I don't think so. This however, doesn't make the pain go away - only time will. It is natural to look back on the person who "you thought was" and miss her dearly, but you almost have to be cold and calculating and realize that she is not the person you thought she was. Right now youre missing that wonderful feeling you'd get when you were with her and thats something that you'll experience again with someone else, some day when the time is right. As for your last comment... getting together with her "one last time" isn't going to solve anything. It will only make it MUCH MUCH more difficult for you to move on. The whole cycle will repeat itself. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you a broken heart never completely heals. You will always carry this with you as an emotional scar. You won't ever forget her. It's up to you to decide what you're going to learn from this experience and take that wisdom with you through life. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger dude...P.S. I'm really sorry to hear about your folks. I have a lot of friends who've had the same experience at home and its never easy. Hang in there man, there will be brighter days ahead. Get out and smell the fresh air and find things that will make you happy. You gotta start loving yourself again and stop loving her.... its the ONLY way to move on.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

DD, a couple of things, and please don't take them as crass ( I tend to come off that way at times); it's my simple observation.1. The tone of your blog and stroll down memory lane honestly suggests you're the one holding back from repairing the friendship. I don't know what she said or the situation around it, but if you miss her that much and value that relationship enough then don't be proud. If we all said and did the perfect thing in every one of life's situations, it wouldn't be only boring but pointless to do anything. I'm a firm believer that mistakes are the greatest part of life because it offers opportunities to expand and become better than who we are now. Off-handed comments happen (to me often) and while it's ok to be upset by them and to make that hurt known, it's also imperative to move past it. Words are just words until we make more out of them than needed. I think you proved that in your blog by sharing a lot of incredible moments you had with this friend. What do you remember more, the time spent together or what was said?

It's not even a question that I'm the one who's holding back. She emailed me though, a nice, very meaningful poem. And explained her thoughts to me. I think before too long we'll have a sit down talk things through. You're right though, I tend to forget the times we've spent having a blast and being best friends and loving each other as opposed to the one off hand thing she said that really bothered me.

2. In general, you seem to be looking for direction in life like most people in their low 20's. I wasn't any different. I can tell you this, though - Don't do it. Searching for a plan simply sucks because more often than not it doesn't go that way. I'm not going to the extreme of saying loaf around and what happens happens; rather, have an idea and work for it, but keep in mind where you're at now and go with that. If you don't want to do journalism then don't. I did it for a year and frankly detested every day of it.

You're right though. Setting up a big outline of how I want things to be isn't going to make things go that way necessarily. I think it's just one of those things where I'm so confused that I'm trying to plug holes in every area,you know?

Short story: After college I was accepted to a MFA program for creative writing. I was dating this girl at the time and although things were going well I couldn't say it was very serious. One night we're out driving around and the topic of kids come up and she used a simile saying "Babies are durable like dogs". I have no idea why that struck me (I wouldn't put it in a book or anything), but it did and I knew there was something more there to her than some girl to pass the time with. Needless to say, with a few other things coming up and some financial issues, I never did get to that MFA program and I'm now married to that girl and we have two kids.For years I somewhat regreted never going for the MFA when I did, but I also wouldn't go back and do it any differently. At 29 now, I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be 10 years ago or planned to be, and with 30 looming it's interesting to say I'm glad about that. You could finish the journalism degree or you could drop it all and run some shrimp boat, but don't search for the answer to which is better for you. Honestly, it'll hit you hard when it's time to know and you'll realize there's no other choice. Really, just relax - maybe read some Vonnegut - you'll get through it just fine.Meh, take all that for what it's worth. Good luck to you.

Thanks man. I really dig that story. It's cool of you to share it. It really does kind of put things into perspective.And Theresa, thank you again, for sharing your thoughts with me on my blog. It's much appreciated--as always.

[JSHamm 9]

You're right though. Setting up a big outline of how I want things to be isn't going to make things go that way necessarily. I think it's just one of those things where I'm so confused that I'm trying to plug holes in every area,you know?

Very true and it's hard not to try and overplan. Keep in mind, though, that those missing spaces let things slip in and also let things find there way out.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

Bump.So how the fuck is everyone?

[brvheart 1,752]

I hate American Beauty, that was a sucky movie. Unless you like weed... then it was awesome... or if you enjoy raping teenagers... then it's good also.

[lvpro 0]

I hate American Beauty, that was a sucky movie. Unless you like weed... then it was awesome... or if you enjoy raping teenagers... then it's good also.

You realize this thread is not at all about that movie, right?

[brvheart 1,752]

You realize this thread is not at all about that movie, right?

yes... I read it.