american beauty

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

Dude, wait 'till you turn 22.

Try 43 on for size.Seriously though, it gets easier, life that is, as you get older. You tend to sweat the small shit a whole lot less. Things, your destiny if you will, become so much clearer.Just be good to the people in your life. This will make it much easier for you to focus on creating a positive outcome for your future. Your family, friends, etc. will support you, in good times and bad, and more than anything else, you'll be glad to have this support and encouragement.In a nutshell, you are not alone. Since the beginning of time, man has struggled with the "bigger than life" mystery of ones destiny. It will become abundantly clear as time passes, what life has in store. Just be true to yourself. Joseph Campbell (noted philosophy professor) said, "If you do what you love, success will follow."Simple and simply true.*L*T*

LT, you raise some interesting points. I think, in my immense rush to find that golden state, that I tend to forget that by the time I get there, it's likely I won't be worrying anyway. As long as I manage to keep friends and family close and love unconditionally, I'm fairly certain I'll come out ahead either way. Thank you, sir.-Erik(I don't know how I missed these last couple posts)

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

So what I am trying to say here is that yea you can take your time and figure out what you want out of life and try and find something meaningful in all the BS but when it comes down to it life is...well life and 80 percent of it generally sucks.  The reality of it all is that you will more than likely end up at a censored job where youre underpaid and have a censored boss and a marriage that could be better.

I disagree, to an extent. I agree that 80% of life generally sucks, no doubt. It's dull. It's drab. It's less than thrilling. But, I'm starting to figure it's what you make it. It's not a hand out. Opportunities don't throw themselves at you. You have to grab at it, and claw for it--and it might not work out. But at least you tried. Better to have lived one day as a lion than a thousand as a sheep.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

Wow this thread is amazing. I can’t believe I came across it, especially at this point in my life.I am nineteen and I’ve been living on my own, paying my own bills and working for a year exactly this month. It has been an amazing experience and I have matured more in the last year of my life than the previous eighteen years of my life combined.When I first moved out, everything was fine and dandy. I had a beautiful Asian girlfriend of three years and we were absolutely in love with each other, and she moved in with me. But she had to move from South Carolina to New York in the middle of winter, away from her family and exposed to below freezing weather for the first time of her life. She quickly became miserable with her life and her surroundings, and the fact that her life had become stagnant even though it was her idea to take a year off from college. To make an already long story short we quickly grew apart until one day we had an explosive fight and I came home from work the following evening to find her completely gone from my life and back with her family. Not even a note or the sheets on the bed left behind, only a phone call a week later to give me the courtesy of knowing where she was and if she was safe and to give me what she must have considered a proper goodbye.That night that I came home was the day my life completely changed. Before she left me I thought I had everything figured out. We were going to move back down to SC during the summer and I was going to get involved selling real estate and make it big well she went to school and got her PhD in psychology and everything was going to be great and we would live happily ever after madly in love and having beautiful mixed children.Man those were the days… When you knew everything. Because the day she left me, made me realize I don’t know a god damn thing. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. And it’s ridiculously scary.But don’t get me wrong. I know more about myself than I did on the day she left me, and I’m learning more every day. But it is so hard, living this way compared to how I use to live. When everything was “sure and safe.” And now you don’t know a thing.You know what you don’t want. I don’t want to be a slave in a cubicle. I don’t want to work for some one else my whole life. But my future isn’t even what is on my mind most of the time. What is on my mind is whether or not I will ever find another woman that I will love as much as I did her. I know deep down that I will find some one again one day, but for some reason I just can’t seem to move on to the next chapter of my life yet. It feels like there is this huge whole in my heart and it is all I am able to concentrate on 90% of the time.If everything happens for a reason and I’m not suppose to be with her, and I really do believe that I’m not, why does everything I do feel so wrong with out here by my side.I’m still trying to figure that one out…

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

So, as it happened, my friend was going back down to Guatemala for a while, and I decided to go with him. We lived there for three months. Three months isn't really that long, basically a semester of college, eh...but yea...living down there and experiencing a completely different culture/society was awesome.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. That sounds like it was really a pretty fantastic experience for ya. It's what I'd like to do. Someone made mention of the Peace Corps, and that sounds like it'd definitely have it's advantages. Interesting post, Jordan. Thanks.-Erik

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

The quarter life crisis sucks a lot but when you really step back and look at it it seems so trite and elementary. However, it is difficult to step back and solve a crisis which seems so small, yet so large.

I think that's because it is so inherently trite. It's a moment in time when you're very lost, but, not forgotten, if that makes sense. You're not that far removed from the important things around you. You're not necessarily even a fucked up individual--though it can end up that way. You're just looking for something--externally or internally. Something you might not even be missing. Thanks Tre.-Erik

[Jordan 1]

If everything happens for a reason and I’m not suppose to be with her, and I really do believe that I’m not, why does everything I do feel so wrong with out here by my side.I’m still trying to figure that one out…

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

[Breaking Liberty 0]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

[Dirtydutch 8]

I've had a weird few years, too. I started a business a little while back, and I had to go bankrupt. I droped out of college, and started messing with other things. I'm not really sure what I want to do, but I'm not taking an office job.

[Jordan 1]

So, as it happened, my friend was going back down to Guatemala for a while, and I decided to go with him. We lived there for three months. Three months isn't really that long, basically a semester of college, eh...but yea...living down there and experiencing a completely different culture/society was awesome.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. That sounds like it was really a pretty fantastic experience for ya. It's what I'd like to do. Someone made mention of the Peace Corps, and that sounds like it'd definitely have it's advantages. Interesting post, Jordan. Thanks.-Erik

Peace corps be cool. I met a lot of people doing that down there.I also met "real" hippies. You know. The ones that stink and actually leave the USA cause they dislike it there/here.I also met people just living there doing volunteer work. And of course people just traveling. A lot of back packers...just basically whatever. You really can do whatever. As Americans we aren't stuck in America. A lot of unpriveleged people are stuck where they are though. We tried getting this one guy a Visa so he could go to America for a few months just to work and get money for his mom and come back to Guatemala. But it's so difficult for them to get that Visa to get out of the Country. I'm not sure why exactly, but it's rediculous how they go about it. They charge them a rediculous fee for a simple interview to leave. Imagine having to apply for your visa, and paying what essentially is $700 for that interview and then just get rejected...without explanation.that's how it is for a lot of them....so take advantage of your ability to travel if it's what you want to do. I say, better to do it while young then old.....a funny thing down there was watching these huge tour buses drive around with all these old people. Old Americans, old Europeans, and the such. I mean, that's awesome that those people are doing that, and it really shows how much culture has changed...imagine what their lives were like when they were in their 20s and now are in their 60s 70s and 80s. But there they are now, seeing different parts of the world, after accomplishing whatever it was they did accomplish.I dunno. Personally, I'd rather travel whilst young then old...but I dunno, it's hard to really compare myself to elderly people cause everything has changed so much since they grew up. Now it seems almost "normal" to go off and find yourself. Self-help books and the like are incredibly popular these days. Everyone is looking for some sort of answer.....Blah, I'm rambling now and don't really think I'm making any point so I'll just shut up and go back to my original thought.Think of the long term, really think...but also think and do what you really want to do. What you feel burning inside you. I think if I listen to that and fulfill it I will be a happy and complete person. And I believe everyone has a purpose on this earth, "small" or "large"...that's what I believe. I just am working at finding that and completely it.- Jordan

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

Fuckin' A, know that feelin'. Read my blog. I'm trying to make peace with a girl I dated for about 7 months, who, one night, decided to introduce me to her fiance'.It puts all kinds of knots in my stomach and honest to God feels like I might be sick when I really think about it.I remember one night she called, after the shit hit the fan, and I just started screaming at her. You know, how could you do this, blah blah blah. And she wasn't really saying anything, just sitting there crying on the other end. And it went from that to me telling her how much I still cared, and how much I adored her still. And she still wasn't saying much, just the occasional, "I know." So then we just sat there, and I didn't say anything. And she didn't say anything. We just sat there for about 15 minutes silent. It was for those 15 minutes that I just went numb. I just couldn't feel. I didn't know her. I didn't feel angry about it because I hadn't lost her--I never had her. Eventually we hung up after some random niceities, but, I lay there all night, just thinking about it. I came to the conclusion, some how, that it was better to hurt than feel nothing at all.I still really, truly, feel that way.

[Jordan 1]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

You said your 19 right? Yea, that's my 19 in a nutshell. Exactly. I tricked myself into believing I "forgave" her and didn't "hate her" for the longest time. Until I accepted the fact that I did hate her for a while was when I could forgive myself and her. Forgive myself for hating someone, and then forgive her for never apologizing to me.It's hard as hell but worth it once you get there.I understand my ex, but I don't understand why she is the way she is. You see someone you loved and then you see them do things to themseleves that make no sense. I saw those things in her life, but then I also found them in mine. I realized I should try and worry about what I was doing with my life instead of hers. Because she was gone and I still had my own soul to deal with.Cause face it, you do exist and you will move on...it's just a matter of when you will. It took me upwards of 1.5 years - and to be honest, you'll read and get advice from people but a lot of just is based on your own "devolpment" and ability to move on and past things.Anywho. Good luck with all that. Seriously. I, and I'm sure countless others here, or around you personally, know what's up. Talk with them. It helps.my best advice: don't do stupid shit. You know what that is.- Jordan

[Breaking Liberty 0]

I came to the conclusion, some how, that it was better to hurt than feel nothing at all.I still really, truly, feel that way.

That is true, DD. I understand and feel that way too. That is rough man.A few months ago when I was waiting tables at TGI Fridays they hired this very very cute Asian girl. Every guy there was up in her trying to get down her pants. Well that isn't really my style so I laid back and got to know her better as a friend, and when I ended up getting hired at a different restaurant she came in one day to eat and I ended up waiting on her, leaving my number and she called me.We started going out for a couple weeks, and one Saturday night we were down town and I bought her a rose and asked her to come home with me. She said yes. And then we were walking down the street and she went up to a couple guys and starting talking to them. Then she turned around and introduced me to her "boyfriend's brother and his friend."I was furious, and that was after only two weeks of dating. After seven months.. Man. That sucks.I just want to know what the fuck goes through these broads heads. I would never do that to a person.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

It's the void.it's a bi-tch.- Jordan

You don’t have to tell me twice. Some times it hurts so bad I just don’t want to exist. Not commit suicide, because I love being alive and I love life. But just, be completely unattached from any and all emotions. For once in my life I just want to have inner peace. I don’t want to hate her; I don’t want to love her. I want to forgive her and understand her. But I just can’t… not yet.

You said your 19 right? Yea, that's my 19 in a nutshell. Exactly. I tricked myself into believing I "forgave" her and didn't "hate her" for the longest time. Until I accepted the fact that I did hate her for a while was when I could forgive myself and her. Forgive myself for hating someone, and then forgive her for never apologizing to me.It's hard as hell but worth it once you get there.I understand my ex, but I don't understand why she is the way she is. You see someone you loved and then you see them do things to themseleves that make no sense. I saw those things in her life, but then I also found them in mine. I realized I should try and worry about what I was doing with my life instead of hers. Because she was gone and I still had my own soul to deal with.Cause face it, you do exist and you will move on...it's just a matter of when you will. It took me upwards of 1.5 years - and to be honest, you'll read and get advice from people but a lot of just is based on your own "devolpment" and ability to move on and past things.Anywho. Good luck with all that. Seriously. I, and I'm sure countless others here, or around you personally, know what's up. Talk with them. It helps.my best advice: don't do stupid censored. You know what that is.- Jordan

Thanks, Jordan. I hear you. So far I'd say I've done pretty well. A couple stupid things here or there, but you live and you learn I always say.I know I will get over it, and that is what bothers me the most. I just want to be over it, I want it to be done with so I can move on. I hate having to go through all these emotions just so that I can one day move on. It seems so pointless. Why can't I just skip right to the "moved on" part.I guess there is a reason though, even if I can't see it right now.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

I came to the conclusion, some how, that it was better to hurt than feel nothing at all.I still really, truly, feel that way.

I just want to know what the fuck goes through these broads heads. I would never do that to a person.

That they don't want to hurt someone they might generally care about. They're too young and too naive to know how to go about things the right way, so they just keep it on the hush until it blows up.It's done with the best of intentions, but, it usually tends not to have the best of outcomes.

[Breaking Liberty 0]

That they don't want to hurt someone they might generally care about. They're too young and too naive to know how to go about things the right way, so they just keep it on the hush until it blows up.It's done with the best of intentions, but, it usually tends not to have the best of outcomes.

I agree, again.

[Jordan 1]

I can give you a simple, obvious answer.Human beings are emotional. Some more than others. But, in general, we have emotions and emotions have weight.Bleh.The big thing that got me after my deal went South was that I put so much into that one aspect of my life that I put a lot of other things in the back. So when I lost "her", my main thing in life, main focus... I felt lost in more ways than one. Cause I just didn't know what to do...not saying you're in the same boat...but for me..that was how it was...i didn't have a good foundation I guess is what I'm saying.I try to keep a much better balance now in my life cause looking back on it, I didn't have much balance at all.- Jordan

[Breaking Liberty 0]

I can give you a simple, obvious answer.Human beings are emotional. Some more than others. But, in general, we have emotions and emotions have weight.Bleh.The big thing that got me after my deal went South was that I put so much into that one aspect of my life that I put a lot of other things in the back. So when I lost "her", my main thing in life, main focus... I felt lost in more ways than one.  Cause I just didn't know what to do...not saying you're in the same boat...but for me..that was how it was...i didn't have a good foundation I guess is what I'm saying.I try to keep a much better balance now in my life cause looking back on it, I didn't have much balance at all.- Jordan

Oh man, that is exactly how I feel! I was with her and only her from right after I turned sixteen to right after I turned nineteen. I spent those years investing every ounce of my heart and my soul into her and our future together instead of investing in me and other areas of my life.I didn’t love myself, I loved her. I didn’t work toward my goals, I worked toward hers. At the time I was okay with it, however since she left me I have been enlightened to a different way of thinking and the mind is like a piece of plastic in the sense that once it has been stretched out by a new way of thinking it will never again return to it’s original dimensions. That can be a curse or a blessing. Everything is in your perception.So now that she is gone, I try new things. New ways of living, new ways of working, new people. But because of that “void” that just hasn’t passed yet I can’t help but feel like nothing is right even if it may be.

[theresa113 0]

Hey Guys...I hope you don't mind me piping in again for a moment. I am really enjoying this thread. It is cool to see young men express their emotions and state of mind.Heartache sucks... there just is not better way to put it. But having these experiences will really make you grow as a person. I never had real heartache before I got married. I married my first love. I was WAY TOO YOUNG and so was he. Neither one of us were at a place where we could forgive little things so not long into our marriage, we began not to trust each other. No relationship can work without trust. And the trust we didn't have for each other was not about cheating but it was about little things, like will he actually wake up early on Sunday so we can go to the beach or am I going to have to doing everything Saturday night to prepare. It was all very stupid stuff. But that lack of trust got bigger and affected bigger and bigger issues. Anyway, my point is that these hurtful relationships will give you perspective on what to really expect from people and to learn to place priorities in a relationship. As you get older, a woman doesn't freak if a guy leaves the seat up. Also, a guy as he gets older realizes it is not about control but starts putting the seat down because he doesn't want her to fall into the toilet at night when she is half asleep. As you get older relationships become less about competition. Little things don't matter. But I really feel it takes a few heartbreaks to get to this place. Remember Amy? She had a few heartbreaks before Steve. Steve loses his wallet and keys all of the time. He is an angry driver. Does Amy really care about these things? Of course not. She has perspective that these things in the large scheme of things do not matter. LoneTrout really summed it up well. It does get easier. The restlessness, the angst, the OMG what should I do and exactly why am I here feelings go away. However.... if you are a creative person, this is the time to maximize those feelings and express it in your writings, music, artwork, etc. Study artist... their most emotionally charged and passionate work is done in their youth. As they get older, their style changes. And DD.... yeah, you strike a chord with me too. I see myself in a lot of what you write.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

Hey Guys...I hope you don't mind me piping in again for a moment. I am really enjoying this thread. It is cool to see young men express their emotions and state of mind.

We're glad to have a hip old lady like you come by and drop her two cents in.

Heartache sucks... there just is not better way to put it. But having these experiences will really make you grow as a person. I never had real heartache before I got married. I married my first love. I was WAY TOO YOUNG and so was he. Neither one of us were at a place where we could forgive little things so not long into our marriage, we began not to trust each other. No relationship can work without trust. And the trust we didn't have for each other was not about cheating but it was about little things, like will he actually wake up early on Sunday so we can go to the beach or am I going to have to doing everything Saturday night to prepare. It was all very stupid stuff. But that lack of trust got bigger and affected bigger and bigger issues.

That's a lot of the issue I had with the girl who had the fiance'. After I met her fiance' and that whole shit storm, they broke up, and she told me that she wanted to be with me. As much as I wanted to--and I still do think she's an amazing girl--I couldn't trust her. She had cheated on her fiance', lied to me about being single and carried it on for seven months. That's somebody I can be with and havea healthy relationship? Very doubtful. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt any more. Just means it was the right move.

Anyway, my point is that these hurtful relationships will give you perspective on what to really expect from people and to learn to place priorities in a relationship. As you get older, a woman doesn't freak if a guy leaves the seat up. Also, a guy as he gets older realizes it is not about control but starts putting the seat down because he doesn't want her to fall into the toilet at night when she is half asleep. As you get older relationships become less about competition. Little things don't matter. But I really feel it takes a few heartbreaks to get to this place. Remember Amy? She had a few heartbreaks before Steve. Steve loses his wallet and keys all of the time. He is an angry driver. Does Amy really care about these things? Of course not. She has perspective that these things in the large scheme of things do not matter.

I think that's the biggest part of it, that I tend to lose sight of. That it does get easier and things do start to make more sense. That sooner or later this will stop being difficult and start to gel and just kinda, work out. The small shit inevitably starts seeming more and more like just that--like small shit. Things won't overwhelm and mean the world the way they tend to now. I just kinda hope that comes by sooner than later.

However.... if you are a creative person, this is the time to maximize those feelings and express it in your writings, music, artwork, etc. Study artist... their most emotionally charged and passionate work is done in their youth. As they get older, their style changes. And DD.... yeah, you strike a chord with me too. I see myself in a lot of what you write.

That's a big part of the thing I've been missing. I haven't been writing nearly as much lately and I think it's kinda making me a bit stir crazy. Thank you Theresa, I appreciate it, sincerely.

[TeeSludge 0]

I haven't had any of the major relationships it seems that you guys have had. I have always avoided getting close to a girl for too long a period of time. Maybe I just haven't found the right one, but I would rather wait til I have shi t figured out before that happens. I meant to mention a book that some of you may have read before but it is really a cool book. It is called the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. I just went to the home page of the book and it looks like they are coming out with a movie too. I read this book when I was much younger and found a lot of really interesting things in it. Check it out. -Tre

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I'm very seriously considering moving to a monastery.Or turning gay...Wang

[PrtyPSux 0]

I'm very seriously considering moving to a monastery.Or turning gay...Wang

If you turn gay I'm sure you and Keith will be very happy together.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I'm very seriously considering moving to a monastery.Or turning gay...Wang

If you turn gay I'm sure you and Keith will be very happy together.

I didn't say I lowering my standards.Fuck you, man... Give me some credit.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

I haven't had any of the major relationships it seems that you guys have had. I have always avoided getting close to a girl for too long a period of time. Maybe I just haven't found the right one, but I would rather wait til I have shi t figured out before that happens.

Trust me, pray that nothing like the agony I went through happens to you. Bumping this for some good cheer and rational thought, both of which seem to be missing in the OT forum right now.

[Dixie Wrecked 0]

Just wait till all you 19 and 20ish year olds start approaching 30. You look at the high school and college kids and realize that you're no longer one of them and you refer to them as "kids". You wonder where the past 10 years have gone since it seems like last month you were graduating high school and now it's time for your 10 year reunion. You think that in another short 10 years you'll be 40 with one foot in the grave ( j/k). You begin to realize just how short life really is and start to second guess your decisions and wonder if you'll ever have enough time to accomplish things on your list. I'm 27 and that's what I'm going through now. Maybe some accomplished 30ish persons like DN dont go through this but I'm imagining that most do. But, from what I've read from Lone Trout's post is that when you do reach the 40's that you just begin to accept and appreciate what life has brought you.On another note, I worked with a guy who, when he was younger decided one day that he wanted to live in Australia. So, he sold all his stuff except for some essentials and went to Australia with no job, home, friends, etc. After a few years there he decided he wanted to live in Hawaii and surf. So thats exactly what he did. He went to a 2 year school there in Hawaii, got a job with Intel and moved to Portland where I met him and became friends. He then did some more schooling got his bachelor's and moved back to Hawaii to become a fireman. I always had a lot of respect for the way that this guy would just grab life by the balls and just do it.