american beauty

[CardWarfare 4]

Threads like these are the reason I have a new love for OT.DD, I know I already posted in this thread, and I won't be redundant, as I think there is a lot of wisdom and sound advice in these 2 pages. Just wanted to say that intelligent people such as yourself always find ways to make it work out in the end, just give yourself the oppurtunity to make things happen, and use your natural ability to find your way to happiness. My high school bio teacher/football coach, who was like a second father to me, once told me that, and I think it's a very valuable piece of advice. I didn't realize it at the time, but the next few years after high school would test that theory. I obviously don't know much about you, but from some of your posts that I have read, you are obviously very well spoken and intelligent. You also seem to have had more than your share of heartache, which I'm sorry to hear. To be able to carry on with the everyday grind after dealing with heartache and loss is the sign of a truly strong person, and from what I read, you are definately a stronger person than most.I don't have nearly as much life experience as some of the guys here, seeing as how I'm only 19, but from what I have experienced, I can tell you that uncertainty is unavoidable. Obviously you will have doubts and be forced to re-evaluate decisions you have made, or evaluate new ones for the first time, but in the end, intelligence and drive go a long way. Even if you're not exactly sure where you're driving to at this point.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

I appreciate all the kind words, and you're right--there is a great deal of wisdom and thought in these two pages. I wanted to address this statement real quick in between classes. I kinda mutilated it but, you'll have that.

I obviously don't know much about you, but from some of your posts that I have read, you are obviously very well spoken and intelligent. You also seem to have had more than your share of heartache, which I'm sorry to hear. To be able to carry on with the everyday grind after dealing with heartache and loss.

If I were being a hundred percent honest, I'd have to admit that the pain and heartache I've experienced in my life has at times been overwhelming. I've had two very close friends pass away, one of my very best friends pass away, a cousin I was very close with pass away ontop of my myriad relationship issues. All of those experiences, have been at one point or another, very trying and very difficult for me. At times, as with most everyone else, it did seem like it might be too great to handle. I remember when my cousin died, I got the phone call very early in the morning, about 7 a.m. The sun had just started to come off. It was the middle of February in Iowa, so it was frigid, to say the least. I layed on my bed just staring at the ceiling. I wasn't processing it yet, I hadn't really even taken the time to believe it was true, at that point. The sun started to creep just past my curtains and began stabbing at my retinas. I leaned forward out of bed and went to pull the curtain back. As I was doing so, I looked outside and saw the way the sun was bouncing off the snow. It was immaculate. There was a bit of steam rolling off the ground--at least it seemed to me there was. The sky was a brilliant orange-red. There was a gleam off every angle across the landscape. The field across the street from my house was a sea of white with daring flashes of the sun's reflection all across it.I realized then, that there's beauty in the hurt. There's something romantic to me about a great deal of pain, about grieving. To sit, stern, while everything falls around you. To go without batting an eye lash when all you want to do is sob. There's such beauty in the breakdown, man. It's so gorgeous it hurts. I think it's been to my benefit and to my sanity, that I've been able to see that. I'd surely have lost my mind otherwise. The bone that breaks heals stronger.

[CardWarfare 4]

I think it's been to my benefit and to my sanity, that I've been able to see that. I'd surely have lost my mind otherwise. The bone that breaks heals stronger.

I'm so sorry to hear all that man, you've obviously been through a lot more than I thought. I really like your point of view though. To be able to see beauty during the darkest of times is something I can only wish to someday achieve. I commend you on your personal strength, since I easily would have cracked a long time ago. It puts things into perspective when I hear something like that, because it makes me realize that my petty concerns are just that, petty. After all you've been through, and the amount of pain you've endured, I suggest that when you do find what it is you want, to just go for it, and go all out. You have a much more positive outlook on life in general than most, and I think that alone will ensure that you are happy in whatever path you take.

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

Most deal with some sort of heartache in their lives, and when your early adulthood it can be most difficult to deal with it as you can barely handle reality as it is, throwing a tragic event into the mix causes havoc. I lost my father at 15 and laid in the snow in the middle of december for a good hour. I proceeded to walk around the neighborhood for another 2 hours just trying to process the fact that I would never see him again...Stopping now... this is a poker forum damnit.. I like the OLP lyric though..

[bdc30 0]

Threads like these are the reason I have a new love for OT.

[mbreon 0]

because ever since Forrest Gump beat Pulp Fiction, oscars are meaningless.

FYP

[grindertime 0]

DD......great post and everyone who actually gave advice or shared experiences helped a ton. (To me reading through all of it)I just want to say that I've completed 3.5 years of college and now I'm taking a semester off because I'm seriously considering changing my major. Even if I stay with my major I have 1.5 years left.I've only missed two days so far but it has already helped me realize how badly I want to go back in the Fall. I always thought I'd graduate in 4 years but I guess I hit a few road bumps.Lately I've felt lost and alone and when you feel that way you start to think that you're the only one in the world that goes through it.Anyways thanks for starting the thread, it was very helpful for me to just read everything.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

DD......great post and everyone who actually gave advice or shared experiences helped a ton. (To me reading through all of it)I just want to say that I've completed 3.5 years of college and now I'm taking a semester off because I'm seriously considering changing my major. Even if I stay with my major I have 1.5 years left.I've only missed two days so far but it has already helped me realize how badly I want to go back in the Fall. I always thought I'd graduate in 4 years but I guess I hit a few road bumps.Lately I've felt lost and alone and when you feel that way you start to think that you're the only one in the world that goes through it.Anyways thanks for starting the thread, it was very helpful for me to just read everything.

Honestly, taking first semester off this year helped me refocus and gave me the drive to just get through this--whether or not I value it as necessary. Thanks for that, Grinder.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Hey-In highschool, I was voted most likely to succeed, and most likely to be president in my 500 person graduating class. I was accepted to every university to which I applied. I was a National Merit Scholar. I tested in the 99th percentile on all my standardized tests.Through 3 terms in Michigan's Honor College, I had a 4.0, and was on track to graduate in under 4 years with a combo PoliSci/Econ degree, and I had the option of going to one of the best B-schools in the country.A year later, I was asked to take some time off from school. I had seen numerous counselors regarding a possible substance abuse problem. I'd been diagnosed (incorrectly) with myriad brain problems, ranging from OCD to Depression. Everybody was asking, "What's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong?The truth? I just didn't care. At all. In middle school, success was important becasue my parents would be devastated if I failed. In highschool, success was important because I wanted to go to a good college.The first year of college, success was important because I needed to prove that I could hang with my peers, and that I was as "good at college" as everyone else.Then, suddenly, success became unimportant. Everyone else had a goal: be a surgeon, get into law school, be a social worker, etc. I NEVER did. There was no longer an external motivating factor spurring me to success. Accomplishment for the sake of accomplishment always seemed... meaningless to me. I didn't know what I wanted to be, except comfortable and happy. So I just stopped.Now I'm 22, play small stakes hold'em for a living, and lead a relatively uninspired existence. I have friends, I have enough money to pay the bills, and I enjoy my mediocre days. But I'm not accomplishing anything, and I'm getting restless.For the first time in my life, I feel restless. I feel like I should put my talents to work SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. I feel unfulfilled just being alive and healthy everyday. But I don't know what to do, or how to do it. I won't go back to college until I'm sure I have a reason, a goal to achieve. So, I know how you feel, to a degree. Have goals, have PURPOSE. Purpose doesn't need to be grand, but it needs to be, or you'll wither.I suggest change, and discomfort. Strive to put yourself in difficult situations as often as possible, and you can do anything, anytime. You should fail often. It's the only way to succeed. Good luck,The Shimmering Wang

[mbreon 0]

Hey-In highschool, I was voted most likely to succeed, and most likely to be president in my 500 person graduating class. I was accepted to every university to which I applied. I was a National Merit Scholar. I tested in the 99th percentile on all my standardized tests.Through 3 terms in Michigan's Honor College, I had a 4.0, and was on track to graduate in under 4 years with a combo PoliSci/Econ degree, and I had the option of going to one of the best B-schools in the country.A year later, I was asked to take some time off from school. I had seen numerous counselors regarding a possible substance abuse problem. I'd been diagnosed (incorrectly) with myriad brain problems, ranging from OCD to Depression. Everybody was asking, "What's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong?The truth? I just didn't care. At all. In middle school, success was important becasue my parents would be devastated if I failed. In highschool, success was important because I wanted to go to a good college.The first year of college, success was important because I needed to prove that I could hang with my peers, and that I was as "good at college" as everyone else.Then, suddenly, success became unimportant. Everyone else had a goal: be a surgeon, get into law school, be a social worker, etc. I NEVER did. There was no longer an external motivating factor spurring me to success. Accomplishment for the sake of accomplishment always seemed... meaningless to me. I didn't know what I wanted to be, except comfortable and happy. So I just stopped.Now I'm 22, play small stakes hold'em for a living, and lead a relatively uninspired existence. I have friends, I have enough money to pay the bills, and I enjoy my mediocre days. But I'm not accomplishing anything, and I'm getting restless.For the first time in my life, I feel restless. I feel like I should put my talents to work SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. I feel unfulfilled just being alive and healthy everyday. But I don't know what to do, or how to do it. I won't go back to college until I'm sure I have a reason, a goal to achieve. So, I know how you feel, to a degree. Have goals, have PURPOSE. Purpose doesn't need to be grand, but it needs to be, or you'll wither.I suggest change, and discomfort. Strive to put yourself in difficult situations as often as possible, and you can do anything, anytime. You should fail often. It's the only way to succeed. Good luck,The Shimmering Wang

Wang, perhaps we should open a music store here in Michigan.....

[76clubs 0]

This really is a great thread. I dont really have anything to contribute right now, but good luck to you DD. I agree with BigD....THREAD OF THE YEAR

[CardWarfare 4]

This really is a great thread.I dont really have anything to contribute right now, but good luck to you DD. I agree with BigD....THREAD OF THE YEAR

Definately. This thread gives a good name to the OT posters and the OT forum in general

[theresa113 0]

Some advice for my young forum friends?Take your time. I really mean it. I was the same way when I was 19-23. I was so restless, wanted everything now and felt at one moment I could conquer the world and the next moment I felt I wanted to escape to an island, hang out at the beach and be a cocktail waitress at night.I met my ex husband at 20. I got married at 21. I got pregnant 6 months later. While pregnant, my ex and I opened our own business. By 23 I had a son, a husband and a fast growing and demanding business. I was stressed out but always thinking there was something else I should be doing. Eventually the stress wore on me (and I am sure my ex was going through the same) and my ex and I fought all of the time. Life was not fun. At 25, he and I seperated and then spent another 3 years going through divorce proceedings. During this time I met a great guy, we lived together but eventually broke up because he felt like the relationship was not going anywhere because I was still married.Now, let me tell you about one of my friends. Amy did not rush things. She took her time going through school, lived at home as long as she could (23) and worked part time jobs she enjoyed. She and a friend moved down to Florida and at 23 she met lots of hot guys and went out every weekend. A couple of years later she met Steve and they dated for a couple of years. Then they moved in together. A few years later they married. Both had good jobs making lots of money. They travelled a lot and spent lots of time enjoying each other. 6 years later, Amy got pregnant and had a son. Amy and Steve are happy, in love and have a good life. They do not stress out on a whole bunch of things that I use to stress out over. They are secure.Anyway... my life is very stable now. I have a great job and a son who make me proud. I don't have a husband but that is cool with me. I no longer stress over everything or feel like I have to be on some fast track. I am very happy and usually very busy.My point of all of this is that it is a natural feeling to want to rush your life and settle down and take on lots of responsibility. But keep in mind that you will have 50-80 years to take on all of these things. If you take your time and ENJOY your youth, you will have a better liklihood on making the best decisions for you and your life. I just gave 2 examples but I have many more I can think of... the Theresa's who rushed it and the Amy's who took their time. I wish I could claim that the Theresa's were the smart ones but it is the Amy's that were smart.This is a time to explore. Take those feelings you have and save for trips and travel. Costa Rica is a great place for young people to go (and they have poker!) Meet lots of people. Go to school. Go to parties. Work fun jobs (I use to deliver pizzas in college... it was a blast!). Responsibility comes soon and once you have it you can't walk away. I know this advice seems simplistic and I really do feel for all of you. Only in hindsight will you truly see that life is so much more simplistic than we make it. I hope all works well for all of you. Hope you get something from this motherly advice.

[InertGrudge 0]

So yeah, I don't have much to add to this thread, especially after the excellent post by theresa. She pretty much...yeah, well....she's a smart lady. We'll just keep it at that. I am the same age as you and I'm under-going the same sort of early-life crisis, so to speak. I'm in such a goddamned hurry to get on with the rest of my life, no matter where it may lead me. I've always had a pretty good idea of what I've wanted to do with my life -- I want to graduate college, move on to an Ivy league law school, makes tons of money in a career I love (law), and then run for political office. Since I can remember, I've wanted to that and exactly that. Now that I can finally taste it and I'm getting up to the age where it is possible to catch some of my dreams, I just want more and more and more. I can't wait to be 50, because I'm excited at what it would bring. I'm so excited for the future that I'm definitely losing touch with the present. I can go into some sort of self-induced tunnel where no one else can communicate properly with me. It's just...weird. I don't let anyone close and I don't really get close to anyone. Spending a semester in DC really allowed me to re-examine a lot of my life and just...allow myself to enjoy the present. The last week has honestly been one of my happiest ever. I'm back at school around a group of people that I love and that love me. I don't think there is a better feeling than that in the world.This is all by way of saying...you're a smart kid DD. There is a reason everyone is opening up in this thread and it is because you are the one who started it. You have oodles of intelligence, which one cannot say for all the posters here. I know that you don't need my advice that much, so I won't be one to preach to you...but just enjoy it man. You've got a long and successful life ahead of you -- it's easy to tell even through this forum. Whatever happens, happens.

[tyfgine 0]

I just read through the OP and some of the responses, and like everyone, I have felt the same way at times. I graduated from college about a year and a half ago, and had no idea what I wanted to do. One day I came accross this article, and I think you all will really enjoy it. It is a commencement speech that Steve Jobs, from Apple, gave at a college graduation. I still don't know what I want to do, and I don't think most people really know, but this article really made me feel better about not knowing.It's really long, I know, but it's worth the read:"'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs saysThis is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.The first story is about connecting the dots.I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.My second story is about love and loss.I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.My third story is about death.When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.Thank you all very much.

[CardWarfare 4]

Also DD, if you do find yourself in a bit of a rut...see cheerleader thread :wink: http://www.fullcontactpoker.com/poker-foru...pic.php?t=46375

[Oziumrules 0]

1. Wish I was 19 again.2. I am 36.3. I have changed professions this year.4. Live life like its the last day of school.5. You are never too old to do anything you want to do.6. Life happens. Sh.it happens.7. Have Fun.8. God Bless.

[Dixie Wrecked 0]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the movie Rounders. This topic is exactly what the movie is all about, even more so than poker. I wish I could quote some of the dialogue from Matt Damon's and his professor's conversation in the bar but you all know what I'm talking about.DD you should watch this movie again even if you've seen it many times.

[76clubs 0]

I just read through the OP and some of the responses, and like everyone, I have felt the same way at times. I graduated from college about a year and a half ago, and had no idea what I wanted to do. One day I came accross this article, and I think you all will really enjoy it. It is a commencement speech that Steve Jobs, from Apple, gave at a college graduation. I still don't know what I want to do, and I don't think most people really know, but this article really made me feel better about not knowing.It's really long, I know, but it's worth the read:"'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs saysThis is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.The first story is about connecting the dots.I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.My second story is about love and loss.I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.My third story is about death.When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.Thank you all very much.

thats moving. great post, thanks for bringing that into the forum

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

..a whole lot of things that sound a lot like what's going on in my head right

I think what you said about 'accomplishment for the sake of accomplishment not being satisfying' nails me down to a T. I've always, as long as I can remember, forced myself to do things that are just generally expected of everyone. I can speak Spanish fluently, but passed Spanish my senior year of High School with a 59.8 for the simple fact I didn't think I needed to do the homework to prove I knew Spanish. There's a lot of things I'm missing now, but, I'll get to them. I'm gonna go out and have a couple drinks and then I'll respond to a lot of the stuff. Theresa, Wang, InertGrudge, tyfgine..thank you guys, so much.

[Demonde 0]

to clear up my head and get away from everything in general, i'm going to live in a buddhist monastery for a couple weeks pretty soon.silence, reflection, a shaved head. i can't wait.i'd suggest reading into buddhism, as cliched as that sounds.

[76clubs 0]

I'm not good with words so I'm not going to make a big long post, but thank you DD for bringing this thread into the forum. I have been very stressed out lately, and altho I am only 15, I have absolutely no clue what I will do with my life. I honestly think I will be good enough to earn a small living playing poker, but I don't think this is what I want to do with my life. The only way I would want to be one of the pros is if I could be one of the guys playin the tournement circuit. My parents have told me that there is no way they would stand for me being a professional poker player, but this doesnt really bother me, because if I can be makin the big bucks playing the game I love, no one could stop me. I have no other career even in mind, which troubles me, because I know that I will be going to college, and I think the odds are highly against me becoming a pro poker player. Basically this thread has been great for me to just be thinking about the future. Thanks to everyone who has posted meaningful threads, and especially to DD for making this forum. Good luck with everything dude.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

..a whole big bunch of amazing stuff.

We both like The The and you connect with me on this level? I'm not sayin' we're soul mates..but...

Take your time. I really mean it. I was the same way when I was 19-23. I was so restless, wanted everything now and felt at one moment I could conquer the world and the next moment I felt I wanted to escape to an island, hang out at the beach and be a cocktail waitress at night.

I think you hit it on the head. It's not a matter of making the most out of some alleged situation as it is, a matter of amazing restlessness. There's an amazing stirring in my soul that I feel like I have to quash or accept, one way or the other, it needs to happen.

I met my ex husband at 20. I got married at 21. I got pregnant 6 months later. While pregnant, my ex and I opened our own business. By 23 I had a son, a husband and a fast growing and demanding business. I was stressed out but always thinking there was something else I should be doing. Eventually the stress wore on me (and I am sure my ex was going through the same) and my ex and I fought all of the time. Life was not fun. At 25, he and I seperated and then spent another 3 years going through divorce proceedings. During this time I met a great guy, we lived together but eventually broke up because he felt like the relationship was not going anywhere because I was still married.

This is one of my greatest fears--being "that guy". I refuse to be "that guy." My father wasn't around--still isn't. Never has been, never will. But, at the same time, I think you're statement here, and my personal belief, is that, when it's good it's good, and when it's bad--we can still learn. We can still grow, and we can still prosper. I'd venture out on to a limb and say that while your experiences with your ex may not be the most fond memories, you've gained worlds of knowledge and understanding. That is to say, that you are a better person for having experienced it.

Now, let me tell you about one of my friends. Amy did not rush things. She took her time going through school, lived at home as long as she could (23) and worked part time jobs she enjoyed. She and a friend moved down to Florida and at 23 she met lots of hot guys and went out every weekend. A couple of years later she met Steve and they dated for a couple of years. Then they moved in together. A few years later they married. Both had good jobs making lots of money. They travelled a lot and spent lots of time enjoying each other. 6 years later, Amy got pregnant and had a son. Amy and Steve are happy, in love and have a good life. They do not stress out on a whole bunch of things that I use to stress out over. They are secure.

Amy is what I want to be. Amy is what I yearn to be, no, need to be. I'm a very free spirit--I'm hugely an existentialist. The value in the experience is greater than the reward of the actual manuever. I want that. I'd bleed for that.Independence, to me, is a falsehood. We can never truly be independent. We will always be reliant on someone or something. It seems like Amy realized that being alone, with it's advantages, still leaves you alone. She did things on her own time, and, Chriist, can you ask for more?

My point of all of this is that it is a natural feeling to want to rush your life and settle down and take on lots of responsibility. But keep in mind that you will have 50-80 years to take on all of these things.

I really want to make it clear that my rush is to find something meaningful--not a rush to grow up. My rush could be moving to Senegal to work in the Gold mines, to moving to Vegas to deal cards, to living off the land in Montana while I write poetry and eat dandelions.

If you take your time and ENJOY your youth, you will have a better liklihood on making the best decisions for you and your life. I just gave 2 examples but I have many more I can think of... the Theresa's who rushed it and the Amy's who took their time. I wish I could claim that the Theresa's were the smart ones but it is the Amy's that were smart.

I guess this is wherein, my true problem arises--that I think the Theresa's have done "the right thing." My problem lies in that I don't believe there's much more you can do than give all of yourself to someone(your ex-husband and child). There's not a greater sacrifice to be made than to give every last bit of heart you have for the well being and pleasure of somenoe else. I respect the Theresa's of this world. ..but I want to be like the Amy's. It seems hugely selfish and a bit uncaring to direct all of your attentions to the hedonistic side of things. That's not to say that the hedonistic side is inherently wrong, but, that, if we all gave in, where would be? This is my struggle.

This is a time to explore. Take those feelings you have and save for trips and travel. Costa Rica is a great place for young people to go (and they have poker!) Meet lots of people. Go to school. Go to parties. Work fun jobs (I use to deliver pizzas in college... it was a blast!). Responsibility comes soon and once you have it you can't walk away. I know this advice seems simplistic and I really do feel for all of you. Only in hindsight will you truly see that life is so much more simplistic than we make it. I hope all works well for all of you. Hope you get something from this motherly advice.

These are all things I've considered and would like to/have done in some kind of attempt to be real. I've worked the jobs I've loved (cooking), I've gone to college, I've traveled. I'm just missing that thing that draws them all together--the one that summarizes everything and makes it all make sense. Thank you, so much, Theresa. Your thoughts and experiences are invaluable in this thread--and I mean it. Thank you.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

I am the same age as you and I'm under-going the same sort of early-life crisis, so to speak. I'm in such a censored hurry to get on with the rest of my life, no matter where it may lead me. I've always had a pretty good idea of what I've wanted to do with my life -- I want to graduate college, move on to an Ivy league law school, makes tons of money in a career I love (law), and then run for political office. Since I can remember, I've wanted to that and exactly that. Now that I can finally taste it and I'm getting up to the age where it is possible to catch some of my dreams, I just want more and more and more. I can't wait to be 50, because I'm excited at what it would bring.

It's a bit disenchanting when you realize that the possibity of "getting there" is really that close, isn't it? "Well, uh..is this it?"

I'm so excited for the future that I'm definitely losing touch with the present. I can go into some sort of self-induced tunnel where no one else can communicate properly with me. It's just...weird. I don't let anyone close and I don't really get close to anyone. Spending a semester in DC really allowed me to re-examine a lot of my life and just...allow myself to enjoy the present. The last week has honestly been one of my happiest ever. I'm back at school around a group of people that I love and that love me. I don't think there is a better feeling than that in the world.

Sounds an awful lot like you're having the kind of experience I'm so desperate for. I truly, and honestly, envy you.

This is all by way of saying...you're a smart kid DD. There is a reason everyone is opening up in this thread and it is because you are the one who started it. You have oodles of intelligence, which one cannot say for all the posters here. I know that you don't need my advice that much, so I won't be one to preach to you...but just enjoy it man. You've got a long and successful life ahead of you -- it's easy to tell even through this forum. Whatever happens, happens.

Hey man, I appreciate anything I can get at this point, honestly. I know there's people who know better and who've been here allready--I just hope to maybe learn something from them. I appreciate your kind words, thank you. I also appreciate that everyone has opened up in this thread a bit. It means a lot. A lot of people have given a lot to this thread, and, if nothing else, it means a lot to me.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

.. Steve Jobs' commencement speech.

Wow....just, wow..Thank you., thank you."Stay young, stay foolish,'' that's so good..