The Vegas/poker Themed Screenplay “Vegas Knights” Wins Its 3Rd Honor.

[Vegas Knights 54]

"Put a ton of thought into it", "thought about it non stop","driven myself nuts thinking about it" are all examples that may be more natural then Brad "$10,000 is a lot of money..."Ed "yeah $10,000 is a lot money.."just an opinion.

Actually you misrepresented my dialogue. I have no problem with you critiquing something I wrote as long as you're accurate with what I wrote.

[Vegas Knights 54]

BTW... even I know that your formatting is all wrong.

The formatting is to the side because I simply re-did how he did it

 

Potomophobia, you probably missed my post 38 which said:

 

"BTW, the actual script has the dialogue in the center of the page (which is the proper format), not all the way to the left as shown above."

[irishguy 14]

Actually you misrepresented my dialogue. I have no problem with you critiquing something I wrote as long as you're accurate with what I wrote.

 

I was quite clearly paraphrasing. That is essentially how the dialogue you wrote came across. It's constrictive criticism which is fine if you disagree but in posting two undescript scenes which seem to have some glaring flow issues you really aren't likely to garner the interest. To have areas where you can readily see where a director or editor may take a different approach is an error, it should read how it would best be scene on screen IMO.

 

Rather then post what you did you'd be better served posting your tag line and your synopsis which is something I haven't seen on any content you've made available. These would likely do a lot more for you in actually getting your screenplay read. There are sites out there (some pay) where producers etc peruse based on these two things and then contract to view the screenplay.

[coug2828 8]

Irishguy improved the script in what I'm guess is just a matter of a few minutes. you should probably listen to him.

[Vegas Knights 54]

Irishguy improved the script in what I'm guess is just a matter of a few minutes. you should probably listen to him.

I have listened to him and you have the right to your opinion, but I would disagree that Irishguy having a man about 65 years old saying

 

"Yeah- I know. I've put a ton of thought into it."

 

and having another character be given two poker books as a gift and then say

 

"Those are incredible! Thanks"

 

-is an improvement.

[coug2828 8]

I think you're missing the point. the dialogue in general is ridiculous and nobody who's planning to enter a 10k buyin would care about those books either way. He wasn't trying to punch up the discussion between the characters, he slightly rephrased your words but I don't think that was really what he was getting at.

 

His set up of the bedroom scene was much more realistic as to how a husband and wife would interact. his version of the scene had a much better flow which I think is what he was trying to show you. not how to make the lame dialogue better.

 

A guy who's 65 and has been playing all of his life just now decides to enter the main event and is concerned about the buyin? he must have been playing 2-4 limit for the entire 40 years of his career and if the 10k is a major dent to his bankroll then he probably sucks. why would an up and coming player care what this guy thinks?

[Vegas Knights 54]

I think you're missing the point. the dialogue in general is ridiculous

You have your opinion and the judges in 3 contests have theirs.

 

and nobody who's planning to enter a 10k buyin would care about those books either way.

So you don't think someone entering the main event in two weeks might want to look through or reread some of "Harrington on Holdem", I would disagree.

 

...A guy who's 65 and has been playing all of his life just now decides to enter the main event and is concerned about the buyin?...

Yes, $10,000 is a lot of money to some amateur players.

[irishguy 14]

I have listened to him and you have the right to your opinion, but I would disagree that Irishguy having a man about 65 years old saying

 

"Yeah- I know. I've put a ton of thought into it."

 

and having another character be given two poker books as a gift and then say

 

"Those are incredible! Thanks"

 

-is an improvement.

 

As Coug pointed out you completely missed the point. Also clearly constructive criticism isn't something you can handle as I offered multiple variations of "yeah-I know. I've put a ton of thought into it." Which underline the point of condensing the flow of the conversation.

 

Same thing goes with "those are incredible! Thanks", "cool" "nice" "perfect" " those are great" "swee" and so on and so on are all more appropriate responses and more realistic then pulling the books out of a bag and reading the titles out loud.

 

I read what you wrote and responded with no thought other then flow but Christ you've got a guy who is so jacked to get poker books he reads the titles out loud, then goes home and reads them in the very next scene kindle gives one the impression he thinks they're the best gift ever.

 

I'm not sure if this is the first thing you've ever written or the last, if you've taken courses or read numberous scripts yourself but there is a ton of information out there on the craft and the little that you wrote comes off poorly. This first screenplay I wrote several years ago was the best thing ever in my mind, I spread it around and got positive feedback, I got it in the hands of industry people and faced criticism that I thought was nit picky and was off base and I tried to argue my point.

 

The thing is as times past, the more I've learned and the more I've written I see how right and appropriate that criticism was. If anyone were to read what I wrote years ago and what I'm completing now it'd be almost unbelievable that they were done by the same person. I still think the overall story was good but the way it was told was poor overall.

 

Like poker where really the best way to improve is to study, read, be willing to listen and to put in the hands that's what writing is like read scripts, study screenwriting, write as often as you can and rewrite constantly, get feedback from anybody and everybody you can and learn from that but most importantly drop the ego.

 

I'll re-iterate and I'm surprised none of the contests you've entered have pushed for it but in the grand scheme of selling a screenplay: a treatment, synopsis and tag line are every bit as important as a finished screenplay and even more so in actually getting people to read it.

 

 

[Vegas Knights 54]

...His set up of the bedroom scene was much more realistic as to how a husband and wife would interact. his version of the scene had a much better flow which I think is what he was trying to show you. .

Actually I didn't show the whole scene so you're not getting a complete picture of the scene. There was more interaction between Brad and his wife later in the scene, which included her coming over beside him. And there is 5 or 6 scenes in the script where there is husband--wife interaction. Apparently the judges didn't have a problem with those scenes.

 

And Irishguy mentioned that Brad would have talked to his wife earlier about the books. I think that is really over-analyzing. I'd bet $100 that if this was made into a movie not more than 1 person in a 5000 would say to themselves "you know, Brad would have talked to his wife earlier about the books"... Woman do work by the way, she always could have been at work or shopping or something and Brad never told her about the books.

[BigDMcGee 3,352]

As Coug pointed out you completely missed the point. Also clearly constructive criticism isn't something you can handle as I offered multiple variations of "yeah-I know. I've put a ton of thought into it."

 

I don't know if you've picked up on it yet, but VK is either extremely delusional or a high level troll. Either way, giving him serious criticism is probably a huge waste of time.

[Vegas Knights 54]

I don't know if you've picked up on it yet, but VK is either extremely delusional or a high level troll...

I noticed the shock words but not an explanation of your reasoning...

 

Joe Hachem said poker is dying, and the poker world has been filled with bad news for years. You'd think someone like myself who brought a little positive news to the poker world by winning some honors with a poker themed script might be thanked and encouraged a little instead of being harassed by some.

 

And if you don't think I'm the person who won the honors why don't we bet $500 on that.

[irishguy 14]

 

INT. BRAD AND KAREN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

 

Brad is laying on the bed reading. Karen enters the room.

 

KAREN

What ya reading?

 

BRAD

It’s a poker book Ed gave me- man

this guy really gets into some deep

shit. I wish I had a couple weeks to

study this before the tournament.

(sighs; puts book down)

 

KAREN

What’s wrong, hun?

 

BRAD

Oh, I don’t know- it’s just a lot of

stuff- this tournament comin’ up-

dealin’ with the assholes at work...

(sighs)

And I’m really gonna have to make a

decision about.......

 

The point here where in begins to be non yawn inducing is where its written by irishguy. Im sure any of you that aren't completely retarded could tell that.

 

Karen starts to pace around the wrong.

 

KAREN

Do you even hear yourself?

 

BRAD

What?

 

KAREN

My god! All you do is whine.

(On Brad's look)

And I'm sick of it.

 

Karen goes to the closet and grabs a suit case. Brad shoots straight up in bed.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

I've got a news flash for you. You suck.

(Brad's jaw drops)

You play poker like you make love.

 

Karen starts to hurriedly stuff clothes into her suitcase.

 

BRAD

What's that supposed to mean?

 

KAREN

Passive and predictable. Christ you're a joke.

My eighty three year grandmother check raised you

blind for half your stack at Christmas and you were

to dumb to notice.

(Heading back to the closet for another suitcase)

Wasting all of our savings playing poker when you don't

even have the intelligence to read without doing it out loud..****

You're like a retarded version of rainman.

 

Brad is defeated, slouched over and looking down unable to face the reality in what he's hearing.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

Odds. Outs. Odds. Outs. Listened to this stupidity for too long.

You really wanna know odds?

(Brad looks up)

What are the odds you ever see me naked again? Zero!

(She pulls the pillows right from under Brad and jams them in a bag)

Here's an out. Me. I'm leaving you.

 

BRAD

(Softly)

Karen

 

KAREN

my god you even say my name in the most boring way possible!

(Mockingly)

But I can read people. I know tells.

(Beat)

Funny you know tells but for the last few months you couldn't pick

Up On the faint smell of foreskin on my breath.

 

Brad is on the brink of tears. Karen picks up her bags and heads for the door.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

Here's another odds question for you. What are the odds that the baby I'm carrying

Is your buddy Ed's. pretty ****ing good. I'd say he flopped the nuts.

(Brad buries his face in his hands)

Guns in the night stand. Do the world a favor...

 

Karen exits as Brad starts to sob uncontrollably.

 

 

I hope the scene plays out like that because its about the only way to make it interesting.

[irishguy 14]

 

 

I don't know if you've picked up on it yet, but VK is either extremely delusional or a high level troll. Either way, giving him serious criticism is probably a huge waste of time.

 

Point taken.

[Vegas Knights 54]

For the record Irishguy falsely attributed the following dialogue to me in post 62. I did "not" write it:

 

Karen starts to pace around the wrong.

 

KAREN

Do you even hear yourself?

 

BRAD

What?

 

KAREN

My god! All you do is whine.

(On Brad's look)

And I'm sick of it.

 

Karen goes to the closet and grabs a suit case. Brad shoots straight up in bed.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

I've got a news flash for you. You suck.

(Brad's jaw drops)

You play poker like you make love.

 

Karen starts to hurriedly stuff clothes into her suitcase.

 

BRAD

What's that supposed to mean?

 

KAREN

Passive and predictable. Christ you're a joke.

My eighty three year grandmother check raised you

blind for half your stack at Christmas and you were

to dumb to notice.

(Heading back to the closet for another suitcase)

Wasting all of our savings playing poker when you don't

even have the intelligence to read without doing it out loud..****

You're like a retarded version of rainman.

 

Brad is defeated, slouched over and looking down unable to face the reality in what he's hearing.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

Odds. Outs. Odds. Outs. Listened to this stupidity for too long.

You really wanna know odds?

(Brad looks up)

What are the odds you ever see me naked again? Zero!

(She pulls the pillows right from under Brad and jams them in a bag)

Here's an out. Me. I'm leaving you.

 

BRAD

(Softly)

Karen

 

KAREN

my god you even say my name in the most boring way possible!

(Mockingly)

But I can read people. I know tells.

(Beat)

Funny you know tells but for the last few months you couldn't pick

Up On the faint smell of foreskin on my breath.

 

Brad is on the brink of tears. Karen picks up her bags and heads for the door.

 

KAREN

(Cont)

Here's another odds question for you. What are the odds that the baby I'm carrying

Is your buddy Ed's. pretty ****ing good. I'd say he flopped the nuts.

(Brad buries his face in his hands)

Guns in the night stand. Do the world a favor...

 

Karen exits as Brad starts to sob uncontrollably

 

By the way Irishguy, do any of those screenplays you wrote have any poker in it?.

[irishguy 14]

For the record Irishguy falsely attributed the following dialogue to me in post 62. I did "not" write it:

 

 

 

By the way Irishguy, do any of those screenplays you wrote have any poker in it?.

 

You are being intentionally dense I made quite clear that I'd added to the scene. One does but to a very small point it's not a major plot point or essential to the overall theme.

[Vegas Knights 54]

You are being intentionally dense I made quite clear that I'd added to the scene.

If you wanted to have made it quite clear in post 62, you shouldn't of had this as the heading of the dialogue:

 

"Vegas Knights, on 23 February 2014 - 01:23 PM, said:"

___

 

Granted you said this after the dialogue:

 

"I hope the scene plays out like that because its about the only way to make it interesting."

 

But that in no way informs a person what I wrote and what you wrote. It was far from clear, especially to anyone who hasn't read every post. And another time you paraphrased something I wrote which easily could have been interpreted as something I actually wrote by casual viewers. Please be accurate and clear on what I actually wrote.

[mrfritz 885]

http://youtu.be/xDPkD1RaMq8

[irishguy 14]

 

BRAD

Ed, are you serious! The Main event-

(Ed nods)

you’re going to pay the $10,000 entry fee?

 

ED

Yeah- I thought about it for almost 2

hours last night- $10,000 is a hell of

a lot of money- but then I thought, what

the heck, I’ve been playing this game

for 45 years- I gotta take a shot at

the big one at least once in my life.

 

 

 

Ya because my paraphrasing of this witty gem was way off.

 

If you wanted to have made it quite clear in post 62 you shouldn't of had this as the heading of the dialogue:

 

"Vegas Knights, on 23 February 2014 - 01:23 PM, said:"

___

 

Granted you said this after the dialogue:

 

"I hope the scene plays out like that because its about the only way to make it interesting."

 

But that in no way informs a person what I wrote and what you wrote. It was far from clear, especially to anyone who hasn't read every post. And another time you paraphrased something I wrote which easily could have been interpreted as something I actually wrote by casual viewers. Please be accurate and clear on what I actually wrote.

 

 

I'm very confident anyone reading this thread can see the difference to what you've written and where I've contributed lol but I edited to clarify for you.

 

I was offering some input-another perspective from the get go but that's fine, I understand you not wanting any legitimate feedback on your award winning work. It is award winning after all and I'm sure to sell any minute now. I do honestly suggest you putting some thought into the tag line, synopsis, treatment aspects that I've mentioned. I'd also suggest perhaps looking into some guidelines that have been set forth through the wga-selling a screenplay and stipulating that you still hold a partial written by credit is not something that can necessarily be stipulated at sale as ultimately final draft, final credit is generally set by the wga.

 

[Pot Odds RAC 23]

In the old days BigD would have run this idiot out of town by now.

[coug2828 8]

foreskin breath. classic. a nod to "Deadwood" from when Trixie told one of the whores she had 8 different kinds of cokc breath?

[irishguy 14]

foreskin breath. classic. a nod to "Deadwood" from when Trixie told one of the whores she had 8 different kinds of cokc breath?

 

I've actually never seen Deadwood. It was one of a bunch of jokes that were met with unanimous silence during three disastrous attempts at stand up about fifteen years ago. Something like: Does anyone ever wake up completely hung over with the faint smell of foreskin on their breath? (Awkward silence) must be just me ( more akward silence and looks of disgust).

[mrfritz 885]

[BigDMcGee 3,352]

In the old days BigD would have run this idiot out of town by now.

 

In the old days, some rube who gave a shit about the poker fad would have paid 75K for that piece of shit script

[David_Sklansky 1,903]

 

 

I've actually never seen Deadwood. It was one of a bunch of jokes that were met with unanimous silence during three disastrous attempts at stand up about fifteen years ago. Something like: Does anyone ever wake up completely hung over with the faint smell of foreskin on their breath? (Awkward silence) must be just me ( more akward silence and looks of disgust).

 

I'm happy your dickeating jokes ate dick, to punish you for sleeping on Deadwood.

 

I'm also happy you double tapped VK. I really like this thread's direction.

[BigDMcGee 3,352]

 

And if you don't think I'm the person who won the honors why don't we bet $500 on that.

 

No thanks, the smart money is on "extremely delusional"