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Thoughts On Funeral Services


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A 22 year old kid who I knew just recently died due to an inoperable brain tumor. I had an argument with my mom about attending the service. I don't want to go, she wants to go and wants me to go.A little back storyI grew up with his sister. We were in the same grade and went from kindergarden through high school together. She is a nice girl, but we were never friends and I never ever talked with her. I played water polo with the kid who died for one year, I was a senior and he was a freshman. We also swam on a club team together for a short time. I remember that he was a really cool kid, but again I was not friends with him or his sister.My thoughtsI feel horrible for him and his family. He battled for a year, I couldn't imagine going through that or seeing my family go through that. With that being said I feel like I can remember the kid and pray for him on my own, I don't feel like I need to go to a funeral service in order to support or remember someone. I know a big part of a funeral service is to support the family also, but I am not a friend or family member to them. I think they would appreciate me being there, but they would not expect me to be there nor would I expect them to be there at my funeral. Do families really need people outside of their friends and family to be at a funeral? There was a huge story in the newspaper about him dying, my whole high school and town is probably going to be at the funeral.Your opinion?I was just curious to hear opinions on what other's would do in this situation. Would you feel morally obligated to go to this funeral? I'll restate my opinion: I feel that I can pray for someone on my own time without attending a funeral, and that I should only feel morally obligated to attend a funeral if it is a good friend or family member who has died.I'm going to go anyways to support my mom who has had some interactions with the kid's mom. My mom really means everything to me, so I pretty much do whatever she tells me to.Here is his front page newspaper article if anyone is interested in reading: http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/ci_163154...rce=most_viewed

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Going to this and it not being necessary is much better than not going and feeling bad about it afterwards.If your mother is going, then I agree you should go with her.I've had to attend a few funerals in the last couple years, I would prefer to skip them all.But I haven't regretted going to any of them.

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Going to this and it not being necessary is much better than not going and feeling bad about it afterwards.If your mother is going, then I agree you should go with her.I've had to attend a few funerals in the last couple years, I would prefer to skip them all.But I haven't regretted going to any of them.
was going to say something but this is better. I haven't gone to some funerals that I've barely known the person but I kinda regret not going to them now
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you should go. It would mean a lot to the sister, even if you weren't friends.

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The regret thing definitely makes sense. I'm glad I'm going, if I didn't go there would be some regret. When I was 12 my grandma was dying in the hospital and my family went to see her for one last time. I was freaked out by it and was having some serious issues at the time so I refused to see her. To this day I regret that decision and I think about it daily. My stubborn side is saying that was my grandma though, and I had only brief associations with this kid who died. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of people I remember from school or my childhood, and I don't think I should feel morally obligated to go to everyone's funeral if I wasn't that close to them. To respond to vb, I'm not sure what is right which is why I'm conflicted. I consider my self a good and caring person. I'm just not sure if I should feel bad about myself if I decide not to go to things like this (even though I am going to this one).

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I played water polo with the kid who died for one year, I was a senior and he was a freshman. We also swam on a club team together for a short time. I remember that he was a really cool kid.
You are definitely overthinking this. Go and share the above with a family member or close friend of his and give your condolences. It may be really appreciated by someone and that's the important thing. I showed up to my friend's grandfathers funeral on a last minute decision because my friend was out of the country and couldn't make the funeral. The family really appreciated having someone there representing the grandson for him, I totally didn't expect to make that kind of an impact on them.The funeral you're going to might be really busy and you might go unoticed but it can't hurt to go.
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I wouldn't have gone and would've advocated not going. You didn't know them very well, so your presence likely means little. When my dad died, some kids whose parents were family friends and who I went to school with went to the funeral (we were 21ish at the time). I mean, seeing them was nice, but it seemed unnecessary. I always saw funerals as a family-and-friends kind of deal.

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You are definitely overthinking this. Go and share the above with a family member or close friend of his and give your condolences. It may be really appreciated by someone and that's the important thing. I showed up to my friend's grandfathers funeral on a last minute decision because my friend was out of the country and couldn't make the funeral. The family really appreciated having someone there representing the grandson for him, I totally didn't expect to make that kind of an impact on them.The funeral you're going to might be really busy and you might go unoticed but it can't hurt to go.
This. I went with a buddy to his Grandads funeral, he just needed company on the drive and such, and it ended up that I was pretty much the only one in his family who could console him on any level. I expected to kind of just hang out but it turned out I was needed. Still best buds to this day, but he still doesn't know I banged his cousin. Some things you just keep to yourself.
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I wouldn't have gone and would've advocated not going. You didn't know them very well, so your presence likely means little. When my dad died, some kids whose parents were family friends and who I went to school with went to the funeral (we were 21ish at the time). I mean, seeing them was nice, but it seemed unnecessary. I always saw funerals as a family-and-friends kind of deal.
I agree completely. When my father died, what mattered to me was the family that came in out of town, and close family friends. But strangers who were friends of my dad or children of friends or w/e, their presence meant literally nothing to me, and infact annoyed me. They were there for their own reasons, to say goodbye to my father and mourn him. But I didn't care that they were there and wouldn't have missed them if they were gone. The only absence that mattered to me was that of a family member. I would never even consider going to a funeral of a person I knew so little, and who's family I knew so little as tanner apparently this man and his family. I am particularly funeral adverse, however.
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I wouldn't have gone and would've advocated not going. You didn't know them very well, so your presence likely means little. When my dad died, some kids whose parents were family friends and who I went to school with went to the funeral (we were 21ish at the time). I mean, seeing them was nice, but it seemed unnecessary. I always saw funerals as a family-and-friends kind of deal.
This is what I take exception to. I believe that line should read "your absence likely means little", which is true. You not showing up wouldn't even be a blip on their radar. The issue is that by going, you may spark some joy, and if you have any way that you could possibly bring happiness to someone, I say go for it. Unless you know BigD... then STAY AWAY!
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This is what I take exception to. I believe that line should read "your absence likely means little", which is true. You not showing up wouldn't even be a blip on their radar. The issue is that by going, you may spark some joy, and if you have any way that you could possibly bring happiness to someone, I say go for it. Unless you know BigD... then STAY AWAY!
Yeah, i think it's really narcissistic to think that a stranger can bring joy to mourners by their mere presence at a funeral
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I agree completely. When my father died, what mattered to me was the family that came in out of town, and close family friends. But strangers who were friends of my dad or children of friends or w/e, their presence meant literally nothing to me, and infact annoyed me. They were there for their own reasons, to say goodbye to my father and mourn him. But I didn't care that they were there and wouldn't have missed them if they were gone. The only absence that mattered to me was that of a family member. I would never even consider going to a funeral of a person I knew so little, and who's family I knew so little as tanner apparently this man and his family. I am particularly funeral adverse, however.
Yeah, i think it's really narcissistic to think that a stranger can bring joy to mourners by their mere presence at a funeral
I agree with Big-D 100%.
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Yeah, i think it's really narcissistic to think that a stranger can bring joy to mourners by their mere presence at a funeral
What about when every cop in the city shows up for a cops funeral, is that narcissistic? No, they show up out of a sense of duty. I am lucky in that no one really close to me has ever died, so pretty much every funeral I have ever been to I was attending out of loyalty to someone else who was close to the dead. It meant something to someone.One issue that maybe no one has touched on is this issue takes on a whole new meaning at faith based funerals, it isn't a chance to mourn as much as it is a chance to celebrate, so it's more of a come one come all vibe going on, at least at the ones I have been to. The worst ever was one for a guy I knew who OD'ed on Heroine, and hundreds showed up to support the family but based on that families faith they believed the son had gone to hell, so no joy was involved, as a matter of fact the pastor who did the services talked about the joy that the family would eventually feel because of everyone who showed up to support them. I felt bad for the pastor, not much you can do with that scenario. It was eerie, if ever a Elephant was in a room it was that day.
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What about when every cop in the city shows up for a cops funeral, is that narcissistic? No, they show up out of a sense of duty.
thats the kind of faulty logic i've come to expect from (people like) you.
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What about when every cop in the city shows up for a cops funeral, is that narcissistic? No, they show up out of a sense of duty. I am lucky in that no one really close to me has ever died, so pretty much every funeral I have ever been to I was attending out of loyalty to someone else who was close to the dead. It meant something to someone.
yes, but obviously tanner isn't a cop or part of some fraternal order with this guy. Tanner isn't duty bound to go. My whole point is he was not close to the person who died, and was not close to any of the people who were close to the person who died. I see no sense of duty to attend the funeral of an acquaintance and I can't see how my presence could possibly matter one way or another to the mourners.
One issue that maybe no one has touched on is this issue takes on a whole new meaning at faith based funerals, it isn't a chance to mourn as much as it is a chance to celebrate, so it's more of a come one come all vibe going on, at least at the ones I have been to. The worst ever was one for a guy I knew who OD'ed on Heroine, and hundreds showed up to support the family but based on that families faith they believed the son had gone to hell, so no joy was involved, as a matter of fact the pastor who did the services talked about the joy that the family would eventually feel because of everyone who showed up to support them. I felt bad for the pastor, not much you can do with that scenario. It was eerie, if ever a Elephant was in a room it was that day.
Another reason I loathe funerals is so many of them are sales pitches for jesus, making that pitch at the most effective possible time, when people are weak and grieving. I'm sure it gives comfort to christians, I know it did for my mom when my dad died, but for me personally it's torturous even if it's well meaning. The masonic part of my dad's funeral was actually my best memory of that whole horrorshow, because it was so weird and used so much coded language and referenced the grand architect, and the inevitability of death. . Here's a snippet of a masonic funeral I found online. It wasn't quite what was spoken at my dad's funeral, but it was this sort of thing..
Again we are called upon to consider the uncertainty of human life, the immutable certainty of death, and the vanity of all human pursuits. Decrepitude and decay are written upon every living thing. The cradle and the coffin stand side by side and it is a melancholy truth that as soon as we begin to live, that moment also, we begin to die. What an eloquent commentary is here exhibited upon the instability of every human pursuit and how touchingly does it echo the sad sentiment of the great preacher who wrote for our perpetual warning the immortal text: “Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.”
I didn't find it comforting so much as a refreshing change from so many terrible funerals I've been to.
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I agree with Big-D 100%.
I do too. ...but we weren't talking about strangers... or did I not read something correctly?
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yes, but obviously tanner isn't a cop or part of some fraternal order with this guy. Tanner isn't duty bound to go. My whole point is he was not close to the person who died, and was not close to any of the people who were close to the person who died. I see no sense of duty to attend the funeral of an acquaintance and I can't see how my presence could possibly matter one way or another to the mourners.Another reason I loathe funerals is so many of them are sales pitches for jesus, making that pitch at the most effective possible time, when people are weak and grieving. I'm sure it gives comfort to christians, I know it did for my mom when my dad died, but for me personally it's torturous even if it's well meaning. The masonic part of my dad's funeral was actually my best memory of that whole horrorshow, because it was so weird and used so much coded language and referenced the grand architect, and the inevitability of death. . Here's a snippet of a masonic funeral I found online. It wasn't quite what was spoken at my dad's funeral, but it was this sort of thing..I didn't find it comforting so much as a refreshing change from so many terrible funerals I've been to.
Fair enough, I can imagine how much I would hate going if I had little to no belief in Christianity. After I made that post yesterday I looked back on that OD funeral and it hit me that it took some serious balls/faith to stand up to the fact their own beliefs had kind of flipped the script on them, I can imagine many people would just go "That's it, I'm out, can't believe in this." Or, tweak the belief system a bit to allow for the idea that maybe junior made it in to the pearly gates.
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Fair enough, I can imagine how much I would hate going if I had little to no belief in Christianity. After I made that post yesterday I looked back on that OD funeral and it hit me that it took some serious balls/faith to stand up to the fact their own beliefs had kind of flipped the script on them, I can imagine many people would just go "That's it, I'm out, can't believe in this." Or, tweak the belief system a bit to allow for the idea that maybe junior made it in to the pearly gates.
You should check out the clips from Pat Tillman's funeral....or well some of the people in this thread should. His brother just flips out re: religion when he gives the eulogy, says his brother was an atheist and a bunch of other really shocking things to say at a funeral.
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You should check out the clips from Pat Tillman's funeral....or well some of the people in this thread should. His brother just flips out re: religion when he gives the eulogy, says his brother was an atheist and a bunch of other really shocking things to say at a funeral.
I've seen that, and remember that time pretty well. Tough deal for that family, by all accounts they were lied too in a massive way, although at the time they had no idea. Tillman was a different sort of cat, the world could have benefited from his existence, a real loss for humanity as a whole. Family doesn't say much in public anymore, at least not anything anyone is talking about in a big way. Fairly certain you can still buy his jersey and the monies go to his foundation.
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I've seen that, and remember that time pretty well. Tough deal for that family, by all accounts they were lied too in a massive way, although at the time they had no idea. Tillman was a different sort of cat, the world could have benefited from his existence, a real loss for humanity as a whole. Family doesn't say much in public anymore, at least not anything anyone is talking about in a big way. Fairly certain you can still buy his jersey and the monies go to his foundation.
His brother was on Bill Maher's HBO show recently which is how I saw it. Very sad story all around.
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I was actually glad I went... I connected with a few people that I haven't seen in a long time. There was a slideshow going on in the background the whole time and I showed up in a couple swimming and water polo photos.So in the end I definitely didn't affect the family at all and I didn't need to be there, but I felt like I knew the kid enough to show up and pay my respects. Also, my mom really needed someone to be there, she was sobbing the whole time.

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