Week One Challenge

[jeff_536 3]

The weekend was your typical San Francisco weekend. There were at least two transsexuals staying in the house, and no one knows exactly what happened during those two days but we are sure we had a great time and were soon on our way back home to Venice.

This story had a better shot of being a winning entry.

[speedz99 145]

This story had a better shot of being a winning entry.

It's all about knowing your judges.

[vbnautilus 49]

This is where we were lucky it was not actually 1968 and was instead 1998. At least one of us, probably Steve, had a cellular telephone and made the desperate call for assistance. Mr. Bussy had to be hoisted on to a flatbed (with me and Dane inside), while Steve rode in the cab with Jose to the nearest mechanic, some 30 miles away. It turns out for some reason they don’t keep a full stock of parts for 1972 Volkswagen busses on hand any more and we were forced to shack up for the night at a local motel while the CV joint was on its way. So we called up the crew from San Francisco, and they all made the journey down for a night of craziness that the kind folk of Los Baños probably still tell their children about. I don’t think anyone there had seen a transsexual before, let alone two of them naked in a pool. The next day Mr. Bussy was all patched up and ready to go, and he dutifully carried us all the way back Venice Beach. We decided we should learn how to deal with the engine ourselves. After all, this was the “people’s car” and we should be able to figure out why it drove like an old man with emphysema. We bought the book that was clearly written specifically for us, How To Keep Your Volkswagen Alive : A Manual of Step-By-Step Instructions For The Complete Idiot. And after balancing our carburetors (turns out having two is twice as much trouble as one) and adjusting our gaps, we were very proud of ourselves. Of course, nothing changed in how Mr. Bussy was functioning. It was time to bring in an expert. Larry was a homeless vet who lived on the boardwalk and seemed to take a keen interest in helping every time he found one of us working under the bus. The guy had some experience, and before long he was teaching us quite a bit, and we were letting him use our bathroom in exchange. I’m not sure it was an even trade, as the smell in the bathroom never really did go away. The engine was removed from the bus and lived on our deck for two months as we attempted to replace a bad piston with Larry’s guidance. This is where we learned how important it is for a driver to hear his engine. This machine had been inadvertently abused by its owner for over 25 years and was patched together will all kinds of jury-rigged hacks. The work slowed down a bit when we went down to get our tools out of the bus one morning. Instead of the tools, we found a note: “Sorry. -Larry.”

[brvheart 1,768]

I thought I had until 11:59, but I just realized that it was eastern time. Maybe the ref can give me a break. If not, that's ok.This contest isn't fair for me, as I am the complete opposite of Beans, except that we seem to both be nice guys. The similarities end there. Albert.For reference, I'm going to retell the Turbo story and then tell my story about Albert. Especially since Turbo is covered in the GRAND PRIZE, and those pages will make more sense to the winner if they know the history.There are a couple reasons that I've never told you guys about Turbo.1. He's kind-of like family... and making fun of a retard is kind-of like kicking a kitten in the nuts.2. I don't have a great memory. For instance, Napa thinks I remember some story about him and Turbo, but I have no idea what he's talking about. When he tells the story, I'm sure I'll remember it like yesterday.3. I'm much more reserved and 'shy' online... which is the opposite of most people. I would WAY rather hang out with you guys in real life than here.That being said... I may as well do a little background, and then when I think about something you guys will know what I'm talking about.I went to Iowa State originally in fall 1992. I had jobs everywhere, usually working around 50 hours a week. (I put myself through school.) Anyway... one of my jobs was a McDonald's manager and Turbo was a oriental dude with 'mental heath issues' hired through the McJOBS program for retards and droolers. Anyway, I kind of took him under my wing and we've been friends ever since. Whenever we worked together, I was basically shouting at the other employees various things that were obviously sarcastic to everyone but Turbo... which worked really nicely for the sake of general employee happiness.Things like:"What the hell is wrong with you guys, Turbo is SMOKIN' you idiots."after waiting 5 minutes for a sandwich:"Dammit... if you're not the best employee ever Turbo... NICE WORK! You other idiots need to pay attention to the Squinty Eyed Ninja Master!"...and what not. As long as you're telling him how awesome he is, in some way, he's your best friend. It doesn't matter at all how sarcastically you say it. Which is wonderful.Anyway, basically Turbo is awesome. If you ask him why his name is Turbo, he will always say... "cause I'm the fastest detassler this side of the Mississippi." in a heavy asian accent. He's lived here since he was nine, but still has a terrible accent. Anyway... he LOVES nicknames. If you spend any more than 5 hours or so with him, you will get a nickname. Everyone in our store had a nickname... and Turbo ONLY refers to people by their nickname... ever. I'm fairly certain that Turbo hasn't called me John since 1992. I think that my brain might actually have some sort of weird 'event' if he did. My nickname is T-Rex. (probably due to my 6'6" frame and size 17 shoes) I have only been called T-Rex, Rex, Rexal, etc... for the last 15+ years. If I make him mad or piss him off somehow, then he pulls out the BIG GUNS... and calls me Rex-Lax. (sick burn!) The awesome thing about the nicknames, is that once Turbo gives someone a nickname, even if this person was only in his life for one summer in 1995, he will only refer to them by their nickname, which is impossible for anyone else to remember. So he'll randomly start laughing or something, some night and say:Turbo: Hey remember when Gridiron went with us to Worlds of Fun?Turbo: [insert an Asian chuckle/giggle and then he starts coughing.] brv: No Turbo... I have no fricking clue who Gridiron is.Turbo: You know! Gridiron! He's the one who got puked on by that kid!brv: Oh... Lawrence. ok.. yeah, that was awesomeTurbo: [Asian giggling, followed by more coughing]Another thing that Turbo prides himself on is being South Korean. The only problem is... he's Chinese. His adoptive parents had a blood/body workup done when he was young and it came back as Chinese heritage. He was picked up on the streets of Inchon, South Korea when he was 9 and shipped to Missouri. The adoption agency just assumed he was Chinese because Inchon is a port city and since Chinese fisherman can only have one kid, they want to make sure it's a normal male. (Girls and retards get dropped off in Korea.) Anyway, the fact that he's actually Chinese is a major point of contention and something he simply doesn't accept... so whenever I'm picking on him, trying to annoy him or whatever, I'll call him Chinese.... and then Sling Blade rears his ugly head. "I'm KOREAN... dude!" It's prrrrettty awesome. His Facebook profile. If you call him Turbo, even though he'll have no clue who you are, he'll think that you've been best friends for years. Anyone that calls him Alex... is either family, or people that don't know him. Every place that he's worked, since our McDonald's days, has put "Turbo" on his name tag. But his family didn't ever like it, and always called him Alex. I think it was last year at his birthday dinner that I heard his dad call him Turbo for the first time. It was glorious. Turbo isn't retarded... per se. But I'm not sure what his problem is. Maybe Rain Manish. The best way to describe him is that he is perpetually stuck in the mental state of a 7 or 8 year old. He knows that he's an adult and demands to be treated as such... but everything else is 8. That makes for some incredibly awkward situations with people that don't know him, or that only know him as an acquaintance. He hates being single and pretty much every girl that will talk to him will hear about how he hopes that someday, he'll find the right girl, followed by a loving look into her eyes and a long pause. I would reprint some of his email exchanges to drive this point home, but that feels a little creepy to me.Turbo LOVES animals. Loves them. (the majority of the nicknames he gives out are animals. The grey wolf is his favorite animal.) He knows more about animals than pretty much anyone not in vet school. Whenever we are at parties or have people over to the house, Turbo inevitability corners someone and starts drilling them about animals. He watches animal planet and discovery channel 24/7, and has boxes of animal magazines and books. A typical conversation would be like this.Turbo: Sooo, what's up?You: Not much Turbo, how's it going?Turbo: … You: …Turbo: Sooo, do you know that the box jellyfish is the deadliest animal in the world?You: Really? That's cool.Turbo: yep.Turbo: Hey. Did you know that the black mamba that slither 20 mph?You: ...He's a lot like that kid in Jerry McGwire.____________________________________________________I have a long list of crazy people that I've been very involved with, all with random crazy stories that I could share:Albert (severe social disorders, and huge phone book collector)Aaron (conspiracy theorist)Pat (hoarder)Luggie (lazy)Mike (loves weather)Each and every one of these guys is crazy in their own way. Out of this list, Aaron might be the most normal... as he is a hazmat truck driver. If you want to know how crazy the list of people are on this list, just ask Napa about Aaron. That's the only guy he's met and it's all downhill from there. I figure that the reason I got to know these guys so well is that I show interest in them, instead of disgust, like most people. Credit for that should probably be attributed to Jesus. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.Ok, so this is Albert. Start at 4:03. (Albert doesn't wear costumes, but he acts exactly like this guy. His mannerisms, speech, voice, everything. It's actually pretty scary.)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugk37TvIR8EAlbert is very intelligent and well read. I think he probably reads one entire book per day. (He doesn't work, and collects social security) Also, he LOVES phone books. I think he has probably on the order of 5,000+ phone books. The last time I talked to him in 2006 or so, he asked me to send him a Des Moines phone book and asked if I was still friends with Jason, and if so, could I get a Minneapolis phone book from him.When my wife and I saw this on DVD, we looked at each other, mouths agape, and both said, “Albert.”I specifically remember looking at my wife and saying, “I don't know what's wrong with that guy, but whatever it is, it's exactly what's wrong with Albert.The first person to meet Albert in my life was my friend Jason. He was a freshman at Iowa State and walking to class in his first semester in the fall of 1993. A dude that was very strange walked up beside him and put his arm around him while walking toward campus.Albert(high very girly/gay voice): Hey buddy!Jason: … (shrug to remove Albert's arm)Albert: Hey, do you wanna come over to my place?Jason: … (head down, keeps walking)He have laughed about this meeting for YEARS.Albert was/is sexually abused. I'm assuming that this has caused him a strong desire to have male friends in his life that don't rape him. Every time I was with him he would try to hold my hand. If we were walking down the sidewalk, or riding in the car, or watching a movie. I sat on my hands more in the three years that I knew Albert than all the other years of my life combined, probably times 1000.When I drove my car, I would lean against the window and steer with my right arm all the way on the left side of the steering wheel desperately trying to escape Albert grasp. It would have been easy to ditch him, but he desperately needed solid friends in his life and I felt that he was in my life for a reason... so I asked him to move in with me.In 1994/5, I moved off campus and my collection of roommates was glorious. Albert, Aaron, Turbo and some other people.Aaron was always picking on Turbo, and to this day, Turbo doesn't really like him, although Aaron thinks that they're still best friends. Aaron didn't like Albert at all. He hated being touched and he thought Albert was gross. In Aaron's defense, Albert was awfully gross.Our lease was signed in August and Aaron and I made a list of chores that everyone had to do. Turbo and Albert were good at following directions and it worked well. Fast forward to October.This particular week, Albert was on dishes again, and I was downstairs checking on Turbo's room. When I came upstairs I almost threw-up. I walked in the kitchen and Albert was licking all of the dishes and silverware clean and putting them in the drawers. I yelled at him to stop and go sit on the couch, and then called Aaron. Me: Dude, when are you getting home, we've got to do dishes.Aaron: I thought it was Albert's week.Me: Albert doesn't have a week anymore.Aaron: …Me: Just get here.I then sat next to Albert on the couch and asked him if he had done that before. Albert: Yeah. Sorry.Me: (swallowed puke in mouth) Everytime you've been on dishes?Albert: nods (tries to hold my hand)Me: Don't.(Aaron comes in.)Aaron: What's going on.Me: Albert's been licking some dishes and we need to clean them.Aaron: Which ones?Me: All of them. Empty every drawer and cardboard and let's start washing.Aaron: … (went to the bathroom)Albert lived with us another 10 months and then I got him his own place.The End.

[vbnautilus 49]

About month after the Larry incident we had completed the work and it was the moment of truth. The engine was replaced in the compartment, the wires connected in our best guess of where they should go, and Dane sat in the driver’s seat as Steve and I held our breath. Grrrrr -- gg -- gg --Groooooooooooommmmmm!!!The engine started! Joyous celebration ensued. Dane was doing his Hopi dance inside the car, convinced that he had connected with the engine psychologically and coaxed it back to life. As the cheers continued,Gg -- Ggg-- flooooompf. That was the last sound Mr. Bussy ever made. At least, in our presence. The engine would not start again for us, and it was clear that our association with this machine had come to an end. We found a guy who wanted to make it his project and gave it away. But we will never forget Mr. Bussy. <the end>

[troyomac 0]

I don’t think anyone there had seen a transsexual before, let alone two of them naked in a pool.

I find myself needing to know (if you can remember) whether they were pre or post-op?

[vbnautilus 49]

I find myself needing to know (if you can remember) whether they were pre or post-op?

Pre-, but on hormones, and one of them was actually scheduled to have his/her surgery a couple weeks after I was there.

[troyomac 0]

Pre-, but on hormones, and one of them was actually scheduled to have his/her surgery a couple weeks after I was there.

Thanks for answering the question, but now I wish you would have lied and just told me they were post-op..

[vbnautilus 49]

Thanks for answering the question, but now I wish you would have lied and just told me they were post-op..

you expect us to believe you wanted less cock in the story?

[brvheart 1,768]

some story that can't be good.

JJJ, this guy right here thinks that No Country For Old Men didn't 'have a story'. Please judge his posts accordingly.

[mase_gotsem 0]

was/is your story done ??? come on finish it

[brvheart 1,768]

was/is your story done ??? come on finish it

There is too much to tell for this contest, so you only get the one short story. Sorry.

[qyayqi 12]

There is too much to tell for this contest, so you only get the one short story. Sorry.

do the next episode as a cartoon submission.

[brvheart 1,768]

do the next episode as a cartoon submission.

Good idea. Are you for hire?

[AmScray 354]

http://www.newsandentertainment.com/zFcurveball.html

[Quacktastic 106]

http://www.newsandentertainment.com/zFcurveball.html

Oh noes, we didn't get a scram story.Wedidn'tgetascramstorysoundeffect

[JoeyJoJo 20]

I am shocked (SHOCKED!) to find out Scram didn't submit a story.But overall I thought the opening challenge was a rousing success. Excellent stories submitted by all (most).I am still waiting on the final judge to send me his scores and then the winner will be announced. In the meantime, look for the week two challenge thread coming soon.

[JoeyJoJo 20]

All of the judges' scorecards have been submitted and we have a winner!Thanks again for everyone who participated; there are no real losers in this contest. Well, except for Sal. Sal's a loser.Anyway, coming in at 5th place and earning an entire point in the Beans-n-Icewater Protege contest is...Balloon guy!Honorable mention to Theraflu, who just missed out on the top five. The judges noted that he could've scored higher if his story had an ending.There is no 4th place because we had a tie for 3rd! Both earning 2.5 points are vbnautilus and LadyGrey!Finishing in 2nd place is the mysterious turd ferguson! Turd finished comfortably in 2nd place, well ahead of the 3rd place finishers, but also not so close to 1st.The runaway winner in the Week One Challenge: Story Time is...CaneBrain!CaneBrain finished atop three of four judges' scorecards and finished 2nd in the other.Congratulations to CaneBrain and the other top five.1) CaneBrain - 5 pts2) turd ferguson - 4 pts3) vbnautilus - 2.5 pts3) LadyGrey - 2.5 pts5) Balloon guy - 1 ptp.s. there are a lot of exclamation points in this post. I am very excited!

[LadyGrey 8]

There is no 4th place because we had a tie for 3rd! Both earning 2.5 points are vbnautilus and LadyGrey!3) vbnautilus - 2.5 pts4) LadyGrey - 2.5 pts

??? Well done Canebrain, I really dug your story. Game on vb!!!! And turd, whoever you are (Caleb? Joey? Speedz? Wang?). And to a lesser extent, Balloon Guy and Theraflu. And to an ever lesser extent, everyone else. And to the least extent of all, Scram.

[JoeyJoJo 20]

???

Oops, fixed.

[LadyGrey 8]

Oops, fixed.

Yayyy, I'm second three!

[CaneBrain 97]

??? Well done Canebrain, I really dug your story.

Thanks LG. Tell Strat he is missed.

The runaway winner in the Week One Challenge: Story Time is...CaneBrain!CaneBrain finished atop three of four judges' scorecards and finished 2nd in the other.

I have so many people to thank.....beans for doing a protege contest, the judges, my fellow contestants, Yahweh, my parents for sending me away at age 14, and too many other people to count.Now, can someone teach me how to photoshop?

[vbnautilus 49]

Game on vb!!!!

Should we get into an ego war of words and just not enter the next round?

[LadyGrey 8]

Should we get into an ego war of words and just not enter the next round?

Alright, I challenge thee to a DUEL![to the tune of "Love Shack"] A glove slap in a little old face will Get you satisfaction. Glove slap ba-a-beee ... (Glove slap, baby) Glove slap, baby, glove slap! Glove slap, I don't take crap! Glove slap, shut your big yap.

[mrdannyg 274]

qyagi (I'm missing a letter) was robbed! That was a Beansian story.