The World's Worst "erotica"

[Southern Buddhist 1]

My husband buys porn. Smut, erotica, what have you. I don't mind. It's not hidden and I look myself. But this was not one of his better erotica purchases. He was reading it while I was in the shower. When I got out, he said, "I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but this isn't having any effect on me. What do you think?" And he handed the book over with the following section marked.It had an effect on me, I'll tell you. I laughed until I wept. I laughed until I couldn't breathe and my sides hurt. I rolled over and pounded the mattress laughing. I laughed until he said he thought I was going to hyperventilate and he'd have to call a doctor. I may never have laughed harder in my entire life.I promise you, I have not made this any worse (or better) than it actually is, and I only cut parts so this excerpt would be short.Maybe it's just me. What do you think?

I had to relax, I thought as she slipped her fingers deep into my creamy-wet vaginal duct … I could feel my sex milk pumping out of my finger-bloated vagina, my clitoris beginning to pulsate within Mary’s gobbling mouth. Opening my legs to the extreme, allowing her better access to the most intimate part of my trembling body, I let out a cry of pleasure as she pressed a fingertip against the tight brown ring of my anus.“No,” I breathed shakily as her finger drove into the tight duct of my rectum. “Mary, please.”“Relax,” she murmured through a mouthful of vulval flesh. “Relax and allow me to love you.”…I should have stopped her, I thought as she fingered my most private duct. … I could hear the squelching of my sex milk as she fingered me.

It went on to use the word "duct" twice more in a two-page spread. This passage just slays me -- I completely lose it every time I even think of it. And the word "duct" has been totally destroyed for me. The other day, James mentioned brake ducts and I laughed uncontrollably. [Edit: and then he mimicked Beavis, crying "Agh! My duct!"]

[Sal Paradise 57]

if I had a punk band I'd call it sex milk.

[speedz99 145]

if I had a punk band I'd call it sex milk.

I'd call mine "Rape Whistle".Who the hell buys porn that you have to read?

[timwakefield 68]

"Finger-bloated vagina" is quite probably the unsexiest way to describe a finger-banging. I almost feel like it's impossible for the word 'bloated' to be sexy, unless of course you're into some freaky-disgusting shit (not you specifically SB, just the abstract 'you').Certainly, when describing a vagina, bloated is a disgusting word to use. But even describing male parts (the dick), 'bloated' sounds just awful.'Duct' is also insanely un-sexy, as is 'squelching.'

if I had a punk band I'd call it sex milk.

I'd call mine Finger Bloated Vagina. Or possibly The Squelching Vaginas.

[Southern Buddhist 1]

"Finger-bloated vagina" is quite probably the unsexiest way to describe a finger-banging. I almost feel like it's impossible for the word 'bloated' to be sexy, unless of course you're into some freaky-disgusting shit (not you specifically SB, just the abstract 'you').Certainly, when describing a vagina, bloated is a disgusting word to use. But even describing male parts (the dick), 'bloated' sounds just awful.'Duct' is also insanely un-sexy, as is 'squelching.'I'd call mine Finger Bloated Vagina. Or possibly The Squelching Vaginas.

That was my first reaction -- I don't think it's even physically possible to "finger-bloat" a vagina (or anything else for that matter). Not to mention that "bloat" is indeed a disgusting word.

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

I finishedMy male milk duct vomited man love all over my brown, unwiped anal ring

[Southern Buddhist 1]

On the same topic of sex-related stuff that makes you laugh, I heard a cute dirty joke the other day:A penguin is driving down the road on a hot, hot day. Suddenly his car starts smoking and making noise, so he pulls into a garage. The mechanic says it will take a few minutes to look it over and diagnose the problem.It's hot, and the penguin needs to stay cool. He looks up and down the street and sees an ice cream shop, so he goes and buys a vanilla cone. Of course, since he only has flippers, eating it is pretty messy. He gets ice cream all over his face, but at least he's cooled off. He goes back to the garage to see what the mechanic found."Well," the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal."The penguin says, "Oh, no, it's just ice cream."

[TheWynn 0]

I'd call mine "Rape Whistle".Who the hell buys porn that you have to read?

Yeah, really. I need visuals.

[brvheart 1,752]

Who the hell buys porn that you have to read?

Actually, that's exactly what I would expect from SB and anyone that SB would marry.

[El Guapo 8]

On a semi related note, two of my favorite "terms" are:throat yogurt and balloon knot+10 points if used in the same sentence.

[speedz99 145]

balloon knot

[Southern Buddhist 1]

Actually, that's exactly what I would expect from SB and anyone that SB would marry.

Good call; we're hyperliterate.

[hank213 1,823]

On a semi related note, two of my favorite "terms" are:throat yogurt and balloon knot+10 points if used in the same sentence.

Jamie Lee Curtis does commercials for throat yogurt because it promotes a healthier balloon knot.

[chrozzo 19]

quality thread..thanks sb!

[Nikki_N 17]

My husband buys porn. Smut, erotica, what have you. I don't mind. It's not hidden and I look myself. But this was not one of his better erotica purchases. He was reading it while I was in the shower. When I got out, he said, "I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but this isn't having any effect on me. What do you think?" And he handed the book over with the following section marked.It had an effect on me, I'll tell you. I laughed until I wept. I laughed until I couldn't breathe and my sides hurt. I rolled over and pounded the mattress laughing. I laughed until he said he thought I was going to hyperventilate and he'd have to call a doctor. I may never have laughed harder in my entire life.I promise you, I have not made this any worse (or better) than it actually is, and I only cut parts so this excerpt would be short.Maybe it's just me. What do you think?It went on to use the word "duct" twice more in a two-page spread. This passage just slays me -- I completely lose it every time I even think of it. And the word "duct" has been totally destroyed for me. The other day, James mentioned brake ducts and I laughed uncontrollably. [Edit: and then he mimicked Beavis, crying "Agh! My duct!"]

Now I can hear Beavis saying that in my head and it's making me laugh. The word duct will never be the same.That has to be some of the worst porn I've ever read. I have to agree that duct, squelch and bloat are not words one should use when speaking of sex. How did that get published?

[Sickinfo2 291]

Several years back I found one of those Penthouse letters compilations inside an abandoned shack in the middle of the desert. After exploring around the area for a while, I set up camp and drank a few beers by the fire. After the only radio channel I could pick up....air traffic control... got boring, I rode the four wheeler back to the shack and retrieved the reading material.Once back at the fire, I cracked open the book and the first sentence I read was..."The taste and smell of shit only made the act more enjoyable"I closed the book and went to sleep...The next morning I wiped my ass with it and returned it to it original locationOne of these days I hope to be credited with inventing the first ever scratch-n-sniff fuck bookTrue story

[Nikki_N 17]

Several years back I found one of those Penthouse letters compilations inside an abandoned shack in the middle of the desert. After exploring around the area for a while, I set up camp and drank a few beers by the fire. After the only radio channel I could pick up....air traffic control... got boring, I rode the four wheeler back to the shack and retrieved the reading material.Once back at the fire, I cracked open the book and the first sentence I read was..."The taste and smell of shit only made the act more enjoyable"I closed the book and went to sleep...The next morning I wiped my ass with it and returned it to it original locationOne of these days I hope to be credited with inventing the first ever scratch-n-sniff fuck bookTrue story

Your anecdotes are pure entertainment.

[sandwedge 30]

The greatest invention of all time has found yet another useful purpose, as birth control:duct tape

[Mercury69 3]

Several years back I found one of those Penthouse letters compilations inside an abandoned shack in the middle of the desert. After exploring around the area for a while, I set up camp and drank a few beers by the fire. After the only radio channel I could pick up....air traffic control... got boring, I rode the four wheeler back to the shack and retrieved the reading material.Once back at the fire, I cracked open the book and the first sentence I read was..."The taste and smell of shit only made the act more enjoyable"I closed the book and went to sleep...The next morning I wiped my ass with it and returned it to it original locationOne of these days I hope to be credited with inventing the first ever scratch-n-sniff fuck bookTrue story

E-Bay/Craigs List it, imo

[dms26 3]

porn mad libs, awesome.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

porn mad libs, awesome.

There's an idea.Ok...go:nounadjectivenounnounadjectivenounnounverbverbnounadjectiveadjectivenounverbnounadjectivenoun

[SBriand 4]

noun - Bikeadjective - depressednoun - hair dryernoun - Fig Newtonadjective - thicknoun - Busnoun - Coatverb - cryverb - screamnoun - Radioadjective - juicyadjective - robustnoun - Keysverb - eatnoun - Stereoadjective - thunderingnoun - Monkey

[JoeyJoJo 18]

noun - Bikeadjective - depressednoun - hair dryernoun - Fig Newtonadjective - thicknoun - Busnoun - Coatverb - cryverb - screamnoun - Radioadjective - juicyadjective - robustnoun - Keysverb - eatnoun - Stereoadjective - thunderingnoun - Monkey

I had to relax, I thought as she slipped her bike deep into my depressed hair dryer...I could feel my sex Fig Newton pumping out of my thick bus, my coat beginning to cry within Mary's screaming radio. Opening my legs to the extreme, allowing her better access to the juiciest part of my robust keys, I let out a cry of pleasure as she ate a stereo against the thundering ring of my monkey.You know, that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

[SBriand 4]

against the thundering ring of my monkey.

haha, that makes me laugh

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

haha, that makes me laugh

you'd think so, but you won't be laughing when she goes all quadraphonic on your simian."poor george. he's not so curious anymore..."