Just One Reason I Am Doomed To Die Alone

[Tactical Bear 3]

Scram popped his head into the Sick Thread earlier, and chastised us for limiting our "contributions" to a closed environment. A few minutes later, somebody sent me a PM requesting more information from a brief anecdote I posted in the "What books are you guys reading?" thread in the Entertainment pages. I decided to track down the original, comprehensive version of the story from an old blog I kept. The post wasn't as horribly written as I remembered, so I sent it along, and then wandered around, trying to find anything of value. Well, I ran into one entry about which I'd forgotten completely. In order to shut Scram up, I have decided to "contribute" more to OT-General by pasting it here. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. You get what you ask for, Scram. The reason I don't post much outside my internet-home is: the worthless nonsense below is what comes out.I spent a few hours this morning discussing philosophy battles with my friend Chris. Here are some highlights from the absurdly dorky AIM conversation:Wang: Who would win in a philosophy fight? Nietchze or Kierkegaard?Kisstopher: that is a good question because neither is in the analytic traditionKisstopher: probably nietchze, but kierkegaard would show upKisstopher: playing kierkegaard would be like playing at oregon, jsut a game no one wantsWang: We should make a bracket.Kisstopher: a bracket of 64?Kisstopher: kant boycotts in a huff, because he is given the #1 seed in the far east regionWang: Kant would be favored in every round by at least 12, and the spread would move up to 15 the first hour.Kisstopher: the overall #3 seed, but the book has him at 3:1 to win it, followed by #2 aristotle at 5:1, and #1 overall plato at 8:1 Wang: The best would be the #4 seed Descartes being a dog in the openerKisstopher: he would be the worst road player in the tournamentWang: Oh, and whoever drew Rawls would stab himselfKisstopher: the classic 8-9 matchup, rawls vs. nozikWang: The Libertarian vs. the Liberalist?Kisstopher: ya the taylor-made 7:30 game on cbsWang: "I'm gonna **** you up, because I believe in regulated capitalism or modified socialist economies, BITCH!"Wang: Where would Marx be?Kisstopher: oh godKisstopher: jsut as a philosopher?Wang: I think so, yeahKisstopher: disregarding his other accomplishments would be like throwing that cincinatti team in without kenyon martinWang: "Still above par, but..."Kisstopher: ...

[ajs510 122]

Closed environment FTW.

[Sal Paradise 57]

thanks for not putting this in the sick thread actually.

[El Guapo 8]

Wang: Where would Marx be?Kisstopher: oh godKisstopher: jsut as a philosopher?Wang: I think so, yeahKisstopher: disregarding his other accomplishments would be like throwing that cincinatti team in without kenyon martinWang: "Still above par, but..."Kisstopher: ...[/size]

Best part.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Closed environment FTW.

thanks for not putting this in the sick thread actually.

I know. I am just proving a point at my own expense.

[Piddle Duck 0]

I liked it but I drink Pediasure.

[Randy Reed 0]

I love this. I can see William James crying over a 6 seed and losing by 28 in the opening round.

[Sal Paradise 57]

I enjoyed it myself but I enjoy deriding wang even more.

[Theraflu 1,035]

I enjoyed it myself but I enjoy riding de wang even more.

[brvheart 1,752]

So wait... Wang starts a new thread in OT general to help contribute and then only sickies post in it?NEW SICK THREAD! Everyone else, GTFO!

[Nikki_N 17]

So wait... Wang starts a new thread in OT general to help contribute and then only sickies post in it?NEW SICK THREAD! Everyone else, GTFO!

Nope. I don't want to.This thread makes me realize that the sum of my philosophy knowledge adds up to hardly any at all. I feel like I need to read up.

[brvheart 1,752]

Nope. I don't want to.

Girls are always welcome. Unless they have a penis... *glances toward LG*

[AmScray 355]

Thank you. Now, Speedz99, it's your turn. Maybe we can get this forum out of the muck if we all get together, hold hands and hope for change!YES WE CAN!

[Nikki_N 17]

Girls are always welcome. Unless they have a penis... *glances toward LG*

Cool. She doesn't have a penis! Rude.

[Dawson Leery 12]

And you post on an internet forum loser

[Tactical Bear 3]

What? No. No, I'm recycling old material that I'm pretty sure I've recycled before. And it wasn't... the first time, it wasn't even...??If you want Speedz to contribute, you're going to have to take it in smaller doses. Like Shake, he's more of a commenter than an instigator. I mean, they might end up creating an entire conversational thread, but they won't do it in a new thread. I don't think. All of you can go to hell, is what I wanted to say at first. Next up: a story about high school policy debate circa 2001.

[CobaltBlue 662]

What? No. No, I'm recycling old material that I'm pretty sure I've recycled before. And it wasn't... the first time, it wasn't even...??

I've definitely seen it before, and I don't read the sick thread.

[chrozzo 19]

im too drunk to understand this threAD!

[brvheart 1,752]

Cool. She doesn't have a penis! Rude.

Oh.

[speedz99 145]

I feel like I need to read up.

I feel like you do too.

Thank you. Now, Speedz99, it's your turn.

I don't do well under pressure...my hands get all sweaty and start slipping all over the keyboard. I'll see if I can come up with something in the next few days.

If you want Speedz to contribute, you're going to have to take it in smaller doses. Like Shake, he's more of a commenter than an instigator. I mean, they might end up creating an entire conversational thread, but they won't do it in a new thread. I don't think.

That sounds about right. Actually, I would like to make a comment now, a comment on something that just happened as I was writing this post. I guess it's more of a story than a comment, but that's neither here nor there. All that matters is that sometime between writing my responses to nikki and scram I had to jump out of bed and take a brisk walk to the bathroom because I heard and felt some ominous gurgling in my stomach.Have any of you ever had a bout of serious diarrhea that seemed worse than you would expect based on that day's meals? A spouting of shit that made you worry that something was truly wrong with your body? For the first time in my life, I thought...I knew that this diarrhea wasn't going well. It was burning like acid on an open herpes sore, and in between jetstreams I could hear a slow continuous dripping as more fluid hit the carnage below. I was 100% positive that I was going to look down and see that I had shat out mostly blood and pus, and possibly the majority of my lower gastrointestinal tract. I kid you not, I was afraid to look down and see what had just escaped the rancid tomb that my body had apparently become.Luckily it just looked like an average load of diarrhea, plus I'm now remembering that I ate a very large and very hot burrito yesterday. All's well that ends well. For now.

[CardWarfare 4]

j l o c k 5000 (2:45:26 AM): I would like to inform youj l o c k 5000 (2:45:36 AM): That I am officially an internet celebrityWastyMcWasted (1:46:30 AM): Really? In what capacity?Auto Response from j l o c k 5000 (2:45:53 AM): I am away from my computer right now. j l o c k 5000 (2:45:58 AM): go to wikipediaj l o c k 5000 (2:46:03 AM): and search "cardwarfare"WastyMcWasted (1:47:12 AM): Don't think I won't!j l o c k 5000 (2:46:41 AM): seriouslyj l o c k 5000 (2:46:43 AM): do itj l o c k 5000 (2:46:55 AM): it was brought to my attention todayj l o c k 5000 (2:47:01 AM): by someone who wishes to go unnamedj l o c k 5000 (2:47:12 AM): but is easily the greatest thing I have ever laid my slanty eyes uponWastyMcWasted (1:47:55 AM): There is a very good chance I'll end up editing that. WastyMcWasted (1:47:56 AM): Harshly. j l o c k 5000 (2:47:23 AM): bahahahaWastyMcWasted (1:48:42 AM): I think I might pull some strings and get it changed to:WastyMcWasted (1:49:28 AM): "Cardwarfare should be considered extremely- I repeat EXTREMLY- Asian. Also, he's probably just about the biggest faggot on the planet. His nickname is Fagotron3000." j l o c k 5000 (2:49:08 AM): bahahahahWastyMcWasted (1:50:23 AM): Did you sever ties with "The Hideout" aka "Lame and Lamer Posting Factory" lately or something?j l o c k 5000 (2:49:55 AM): hahaha indeed i didj l o c k 5000 (2:49:58 AM): h/o i'll link youj l o c k 5000 (2:50:01 AM): it's hilariousWastyMcWasted (1:50:46 AM): Ship it it over here. WastyMcWasted (1:50:59 AM): I don't read internets anymore at all; I'm too busy watching every single episode of lost. j l o c k 5000 (2:50:35 AM): http://www.fullcontactpoker.com/poker-foru...t&p=1839229j l o c k 5000 (2:50:42 AM): thats the sick thread post with a link to the hideoutj l o c k 5000 (2:50:59 AM): there's some good stuff in the sick thread responding to it if you feel like digging through itj l o c k 5000 (2:51:05 AM): but most of the hilarity is in the hideoutWastyMcWasted (1:51:54 AM): I probably will... because I'm lazy, and now watching season 3 of lost on the internetj l o c k 5000 (2:51:29 AM): lolWastyMcWasted (1:53:07 AM): IT's actually kinda terrible. It's in English, but has Japanese subtitles. Except there are these flashbacks with these two Korean people, and the subtitles are in English, but with JAPANESE subtitles right on top, making the english subtitles completely illegible. And making me furiousj l o c k 5000 (2:52:45 AM): bahahahahahj l o c k 5000 (2:52:47 AM): that's awesomej l o c k 5000 (2:52:55 AM): i could probably read both at the same timej l o c k 5000 (2:52:58 AM): in both languagesj l o c k 5000 (2:53:20 AM): and absorb it all through Chink-mosisWastyMcWasted (1:54:34 AM): I'd have you read the Japanese translation of the Korean, and repeat it in English. I'm sure the syntax would be butchered so ****ing awesomely. j l o c k 5000 (2:54:06 AM): lolWastyMcWasted (1:55:05 AM): "Oh, you tell what? Who goes now, haha!" j l o c k 5000 (2:55:07 AM): hhahahahaj l o c k 5000 (2:56:43 AM): i get a sick sense of satisfaction from knowing that me leaving the hideout was the biggest deal in there in a very long time, bringing more viewers/posters in there than they've had in months.j l o c k 5000 (2:56:59 AM): fear my power whities. i are all powerful chinkWastyMcWasted (1:58:38 AM): I'm reading your post while trying to phoenetically translate South Korean to English using a little pocket dictionary. WastyMcWasted (2:00:23 AM): Ricker: "It wasn't the sick thread with their smug, know it all, I'm smarter than you humor."WastyMcWasted (2:00:32 AM): Well, Ricker, that's because we're all so much smarter than you... j l o c k 5000 (2:59:55 AM): hahahaj l o c k 5000 (3:00:16 AM): my new target is onlyme34645j l o c k 5000 (3:00:24 AM): god help that boy if he steps outside of the hideoutj l o c k 5000 (3:00:31 AM): or, excuse me...j l o c k 5000 (3:00:41 AM): // THE HIDEOUT \\!!3@##%^$12562456@$%^WastyMcWasted (2:01:24 AM): What does he do? I'll attempt to pwnihilate him sometime soon if I ever spend anymore time there. WastyMcWasted (2:01:26 AM): Hahaha.j l o c k 5000 (3:00:56 AM): lol he does nothingj l o c k 5000 (3:00:58 AM): that's the whole pointj l o c k 5000 (3:01:03 AM): hes completely uselessj l o c k 5000 (3:01:29 AM): basically, imagine if showstopper wrote 6 or 7 sentences instead of one fragment, but still carried the same message of nothing at allWastyMcWasted (2:02:43 AM): I knew people like that in highschool. Lots of attitude, but absolutely NOTHING to back it up, apart from smarminess or something. j l o c k 5000 (3:02:13 AM): yeahj l o c k 5000 (3:02:28 AM): i'd also like to point out, that my last post ever in the hideout contain the SeriousBusinessCatWastyMcWasted (2:03:11 AM): Usually easy to humiliate, especially over the internet, because everything they say is archived for posterityj l o c k 5000 (3:02:34 AM): which ****ing rulesWastyMcWasted (2:04:31 AM): Some of us will still be here, hanging out and enjoying ourselves in OUR ways, NOT YOURS. If that means reading and laughing at Pckt's being a pimp and getting eye****ed by every girl (students included) at school, then so be it. Sorry if it's not what you're used to. As to the other oldtimers that all of a sudden popped out of nowhere, I am sorry things may be different since your last appearance. Like I said, things change. We'd love it if you stuck around and shot the **** with us, but understand if you're done with this place.New crew - this place is our home now, do whatever you want here. That's the spirit of this thread and always has been. Let's keep that goingWastyMcWasted (2:04:41 AM): I... hate that person. I hate him alot...j l o c k 5000 (3:04:08 AM): BAHAHAHAHAHWastyMcWasted (2:05:54 AM): Hideout = Middle School SickThread = Highschool Army = WeirdArts Collegej l o c k 5000 (3:05:23 AM): hahahaj l o c k 5000 (3:05:28 AM): pretty muchj l o c k 5000 (3:07:58 AM): i love the swarm of randoms that can barging in after the dramaj l o c k 5000 (3:08:07 AM): ricker, dirty dutch, adam, the info guysWastyMcWasted (2:08:52 AM): I'm still on yesterday, 305 AMWastyMcWasted (2:09:06 AM): Haha, PactInfo2.. awesomej l o c k 5000 (3:08:35 AM): and earlier today, ivpro, vatche (?? no idea why) and DDIDMWastyMcWasted (2:09:37 AM): you've lost the essence of // THE HIDEOUT \\ if you think this is a competition of some sort. I dont care how many readers there are. I don't care how many posts there are. I don't give a **** about any of that crap as long as the people who DO read and post are having fun. Isn't THAT what // THE HIDEOUT \\ is all about?WastyMcWasted (2:09:41 AM): I.... want to murder him. j l o c k 5000 (3:09:07 AM): hahahahahahahahaj l o c k 5000 (3:09:10 AM): i love the slashesWastyMcWasted (2:09:51 AM): He types it like that! j l o c k 5000 (3:09:18 AM): hey manWastyMcWasted (2:09:56 AM): Colloquially!WastyMcWasted (2:10:02 AM): That's so hilarious!WastyMcWasted (2:10:05 AM): I can't stop exclaiming!j l o c k 5000 (3:09:31 AM): dont **** with the // THE HIDEOUT \\]['P-j l o c k 5000 (3:09:40 AM): bahahahahahWastyMcWasted (2:11:10 AM): We should start a thread, except only you and I are allowed, and we only post either Jack Handey Deep Thoughts, or snippets of AIM conversations. Nothing else. j l o c k 5000 (3:11:24 AM): It might force the internet to implode with extremely high volumes of awesomosityWastyMcWasted (2:13:45 AM): "So let me get this straight: This thread is just CW posting a 30 minute AIM conversation, and then- not 3 minutes later- Wang posting the SAME conversation? Just doing that a few times a week, and occassionally stealing jokes from Jack Handey?" Well, yes. "You're both retarded." (raising first in air) We RULE!j l o c k 5000 (3:13:22 AM): BAHAHAHAHAHAHAj l o c k 5000 (3:14:11 AM): "Wait, why is that thread locked, but Wang and CW are still posting in it??"j l o c k 5000 (3:14:34 AM): Keith: "They said they didn't want anyone disturbing the flow. I don't really know what that means."j l o c k 5000 (3:14:39 AM): "...."WastyMcWasted (2:16:20 AM): It would be really, really funny if Keith did that for us. If we kept it going for like 2 weeks or something, and he just deleted every other post made in there. People would be so confused, and Keith would just be like "what are you talking about shut up lets talk about soccer and wine"j l o c k 5000 (3:16:10 AM): I think that could be pulled offWastyMcWasted (2:17:25 AM): Too much work. But it might be worth just taking this conversation in it's entirety, posting it, and then each choosing a few Jack Handey quotes to post. j l o c k 5000 (3:17:14 AM): sounds like a goddamned planWastyMcWasted (2:18:25 AM): Before we do that, I want to make fun of that ONlyme386 guy a little moreWastyMcWasted (2:18:34 AM): "good point. guys like me are always watching other guys play pool with their girls and start flirting with the girl. maybe that was my plan all along?"WastyMcWasted (2:18:50 AM): "Pool is good, i love pool. I used to be a shark, but not so much anymore. Playing at the bar with a girl you dont know very well is so good, you always have a reason for a break in convo (to shoot). always something to talk about (the game) if things get bad. and if **** hits the fan, you're already at the bar so you dont even have to go anywhere to get drunk and try to forget about her"j l o c k 5000 (3:18:17 AM): i made a really bad pun in there in one of my final posts that went unnoticedj l o c k 5000 (3:18:43 AM): i forget what i said exactly, but it was something like, "you want to save this place? Go right ahead, ONLYYOU can save the hideout from sucking."WastyMcWasted (2:19:21 AM): That guy is such a sack. "Guys like me..." You mean guys with active imaginations, and no social life?j l o c k 5000 (3:18:53 AM): bahhahahaWastyMcWasted (2:20:25 AM): I just love the idea of this guy picking up my date at a bar while I'm shooting pool. j l o c k 5000 (3:20:03 AM): LOLj l o c k 5000 (3:20:25 AM): Check that, I think I don't think the "onlyyou" line made the final cut of the postWastyMcWasted (2:21:51 AM): OnlyMe: "(whispering to my date)Wang: (loudly) "Hey! Hey buddy? I'll let you take her home if you can spell the word rendezvous. And she'll give you a blowjob on the table if you can use the word 'syntax'- in the proper context- in a sentence."WastyMcWasted (2:22:58 AM): It's a win-win. If he gets it right, and my date sucks him off- well, she's probably easy. And when he inevitably screws it up, everyone there will laugh at him, and he'll make up a story about it the next day and say he beat me up. j l o c k 5000 (3:23:14 AM): yeah, he seems to be good, and by good i mean bad, at twisting things around in an attempt to make his opposition sound stupidWastyMcWasted (2:24:59 AM): Yeah, he's the kind of guy I would absolutely love to get into an argument with. Just systematically dismantle him, and refuse to let him off. "No! I won't quit arguing until you tell me that I'm smarter than you, and that you were completely wrong. And it can't be insincere."j l o c k 5000 (3:25:19 AM): "I'm serious. Don't make me make you cry."WastyMcWasted (2:26:54 AM): Okay, start a thread. Call it ShimmeringWarfare or something retarded like that, and then just post this conversation, and then I'll post mine, and then I think I'll find that JackHandey joke about Flippy/Hambonej l o c k 5000 (3:26:59 AM): Ok, you need to call yours some sort of inverse of mine though. So if I use CardWang, you need to use ShimmeringWarfare, etcWastyMcWasted (2:27:51 AM): No no, we're posting them in the same thread.WastyMcWasted (2:28:04 AM): Just one after another. j l o c k 5000 (3:27:28 AM): oh, I thought we were going for pointless pollutionj l o c k 5000 (3:27:35 AM): ok that's good tooWastyMcWasted (2:28:17 AM): No, just one absurd thread. j l o c k 5000 (3:27:47 AM): Alright. Stand by.WastyMcWasted (2:28:39 AM): Faggotron3000 out/memories

[bleacherbum3 9]

Whatever happened to Ricker?

[Jadaki 0]

It was burning like acid on an open herpes sore

Not your first time?

[Nikki_N 17]

I feel like you do too.

Thanks for reinforcing my feelings. Do you or Wang have a recommendation for my first philosophy book?

[Tactical Bear 3]

Thanks for reinforcing my feelings. Do you or Wang have a recommendation for my first philosophy book?

Man, I've got no idea. I really don't even know anything about philosophy. I've got some intro-level university education from years ago, and I have a dorky best friend who has t-shirts with philosopher portaits on them. Immanuel Kant is the Baddest ************ on the Block, but -- to be perfectly honest -- I have no idea what to suggest in terms of introductory material. Reading philosophy is often hard, because the text is almost always directed at other philosophers, so there's little explanation of important but previously-used terms, and much of it is criticism of another author's work. Anyway, find an "INTRO TO IMMANUEL KANT" book, and go from there, I'd say. To be totally honest, I think you can skip all the ancient stuff. It's mostly hot garbage.