Snamuh 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 For those who haven't seen the original: http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?L...mp;StoryID=3159To: John MaddenCC: Electronic Arts SportsFrom: Ethan AlbrightRe: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ****ing bullshit and you should kiss my mother-****ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80. You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ****ing 12. I rate you a ****ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert! John, you are such a ****ing dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ****ing zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ****ing face. **** that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns. Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a ****ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man. When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. **** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder. Rot in Hell,Ethan AlbrightWell today, Ethan Albright's Madden rating skyrockets as he has been selected to the NFC Pro Bowl roster. It brings tears to my eyes for one of the games true greats.http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3212177 Link to post Share on other sites
chaosnhavoc 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Still Laughing Link to post Share on other sites
Knollie919 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 yea def. couldn't stop laughing through that whole thing Link to post Share on other sites
NoSup4U 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Still Laughing Link to post Share on other sites
GetSprung 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Bravo Link to post Share on other sites
RDog 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Okay, I might be the biggest idiot on the planet for asking this, but..........is that letter real? If so, holy ****, that is funny. Link to post Share on other sites
chaosnhavoc 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Dont get upset I only rate this thread a 38 with a Foxwoods Pro Thread being a 68 and the Daniel Pottery Thread being a 99 Link to post Share on other sites
Jordan 1 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 omg is that for real Link to post Share on other sites
Snamuh 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 omg is that for realLOL no, but funny nonetheless. Found it a while ago, thought most would have already seen it! But I couldn't let his accomplishment today go unnoticed. Link to post Share on other sites
RDog 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 LOL no, but funny nonetheless. Found it a while ago, thought most would have already seen it! But I couldn't let his accomplishment today go unnoticed. ........still funny but much funnier when I thought it was real. Link to post Share on other sites
HangukMiguk 8 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Tears in eyes...can't stop.OMG WOW.TOTD Link to post Share on other sites
tealsea 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 good read sirdefinitely made my day better, but now my ribs hurt from laughing Link to post Share on other sites
scrapp 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 you come through with stakes and then this gem. you sir are on a roll tonight!"**** me sideways with a lunchbox" just gets funnier everytime i read it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
defy 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 LOL really funny..no longer steaming after losing in ept step 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StrippersNBlow 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 ........still funny but much funnier when I thought it was real. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye Hughes 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Dont get upset I only rate this thread a 38 with a Foxwoods Pro Thread being a 68 and the Daniel Pottery Thread being a 99I lol'd Link to post Share on other sites
Cappy37 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 lmao... simply.. awesome.. thank you for this. Link to post Share on other sites
BeaverStyle 1 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 LMAO. Link to post Share on other sites
Ko8e34 0 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Golden. TOTD for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffdog87 2 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Tears in eyes...can't stop.OMG WOW.TOTD Weeeeeeee! Link to post Share on other sites
lurbz 2 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Agreed...TOTD for sideways lunchbox. Link to post Share on other sites
Balloon guy 158 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 You think John Madden has ever played John Madden football? Link to post Share on other sites
gilbertology 0 Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Ethan Albright is the best player in the NFL, NBA, and MLB combined. He also is a top 5 goalie in the NHL due to his girth. Link to post Share on other sites
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