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Mr. Zimmerlin

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About Mr. Zimmerlin

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  1. Musing From a Man Who Plays In A Band But Doesn't Have A Part In This Particular Song Oh good, it is time for MY BREAK. I will close my eyes for a few minutes and HOPE I DON'T FALL OVER, like I did THE LAST TIME. I feel all the eyes on me, asking why is he STILL ON STAGE, just standing there. I would make a FUNNY FACE AT THEM, but Charles got real mad THE LAST TIME I DID THAT. Charles in the LEAD SINGER. He dated my sister for a few weeks, but IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. He says THEY DIDN'T VIBE, but I think it was because of her TERMINAL GOUT. At her funera
  2. Musing From A Man Who Knows Just What To Do If Aliens Come When they first get here, we have to PLAY IT COOL. For sure we'll show them the Mona Lisa, but if they don't like it, we'll be like "yeah, it's our very worst painting", AS WE BITE OUR FISTS IN UNISON. When they tell us how high they can count, we can't ACT OVERLY IMPRESSED. We almost got that high too JUST LAST JULY, but then we stopped because we had that BBQ to go to. THE ONE AT SUSAN'S HOUSE. If they call our bluff, we'll CHANGE THE SUBJECT. That's a pretty nice spaceship you have, do you think we could TAKE IT FOR A SP
  3. Musings From a Man Who Aims to Be Obama's Speech Writer Nobody tells you being president is a FULL TIME JOB. But if my advisers can be trusted, I'll have to work over thirty hours per week, and EVERY THIRD SATURDAY. American people, I am UP TO THE TASK. Sometimes at night when my wife, whose NAME ESCAPES ME, is off in the bathroom, I say very presidenty things like "Everybody, I AM YOUR PRESIDENT, I floss twice per day, SO YOU SHOULD TOO." When I wrap up a big peace deal in the MIDDLE EAST, I am going to break out into an AIR GUITAR SOLO. "Look at Obama go" they'll say. And I'l
  4. Musings from a Man Who Isn't Sure If His Career As An Investment Banker Has Begun On The Right Foot. 46 Million to START YOUR COMPANY? I was sure you said 4.6 Million. Either way, in retrospect, a bake sale was A TERRIBLY BAD IDEA. My report entitled "Stochastic Modelling: What we can learn from the IMPLICIT PHILOSOPHY of Keith Schultz, head writer of Dharma and Greg" though not well received by the INVESTMENT BANKING COMMUNITY, nevertheless still has SOME VERY IMPORTANT APPLICATIONS on how to not impress your pompous, arrogant, closed-minded and PROBABLY HOMOSEXUAL BOSS. I told
  5. Musings From A Man Who Would Like To Be In Charge Of The Next NASA Launch If one of the astronauts fall out ON THE WAY UP, I don't think it will be TIME TO START PANICKING. If two fall out, I'll ask someone to CHECK THE MAIN HATCH. It's probably STILL OPEN. That was my responsibility? Looks like I'm in some SERIOUS HOT WATER, once again. If I forget where we're going, I'll be very vague in DIRECTING MY SUBORDINATES. Ok fellas, let's go a little bit higher, but not TOO HIGH. This seems JUST ABOUT RIGHT. I'll be taking off now. I've decided, just now, to take HALF A VACATION DAY
  6. Musings From A Man Who Plans To Be An Integral Part Of A Popular Nu Metal Band In Six To Nine Months. If I forget the lyrics to my one of my MANY HITS, I won't be afraid to AD-LIB IN DESPERATION. Guitar player, can you tell me HOW MANY SYLLABLES the third line has? Thirty-one? I was hoping FOR MUCH LESS. I will have to add some meaningless sounds TO MAKE THIS THING WORK. Three aggressive songs in a row? You know it's time for a SLOWER SONG. It's for you, attractive girl in the third row. No, the one to your left. My right. She's not paying attention, can you ask her for her ph
  7. Musings From a Man Who May Be Asked To Organize The Halftime Show At The Superbowl, Last Minute. I have very few connections IN THE INDUSTRY. I do not know why you asked me do this. I’m clearly OUT OF MY ELEMENT. You can spend all day feeling SORRY FOR YOURSELF, but you still have a job to do. Get on the phone, make some calls. I’d bet DOM DELUISE IS STILL AVAILABLE. If SCIENTISTS CAN BE BELIEVED, then the earth is over 150 years old and made almost completely from a mixture of goat hair and the EXACT OPPOSITE OF LUST. I don’t know what THAT MEANS EITHER.
  8. In retrospect, I am persuaded to believe the only thing that held me back from being a truly dominant force on the NASCAR circuit was my severe ALLERGY TO OVALS. As far as I know, they still don’t MAKE EPIPENS FOR THAT.
  9. Musings Fom A Man Who Is Anticipating Being Asked To Write A Script For A Science Fiction Movie Set In The Future To begin with, I'll BRAINSTORM. This means just throwing out ideas even if you THINK THEY'RE STUPID. I'll tell you what's really stupid. A paralyzed midget trying to LIFT A HEAVY PIANO. Or a regular man trying to lift that same piano, ON JUPITER. If I decide to go with the theme man vs. machine, I'll do it in a way that causes the viewer to question THE PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS he may have about MACHINE INTELLIGENCE. You thought robots couldn't cry? Meet Stanley, THE CRYI
  10. Musings From A Man Who Works At A Job Everyday at work, I complete an ARRAY OF TASKS. Usually the order is important, but some days the ORDER DOES NOT MATTER. Those, along with flag day, are the days I LIVE FOR. Even though I get paid for 8 hours per day, I usually only work for SEVEN AND A HALF. I get two fifteen minute breaks to RECHARGE MY BATTERIES. If my boss is reading this, allow me to REITERATE MY THANKS. Some Fridays are “Casual Fridays”. Most people dress down on those days, but to me, nothing says casual like HIGH HEELS AND A CAPE.
  11. Musings From a Man Who Will Let You In On His Strategy If He Ever Gets To Play At A MLB Allstar Game. 2-0? I'm looking FASTBALL. But the pitcher knows this. SCREW IT, I'm going straight to LEVEL 15 THINKING. I'm still looking FASTBALL. When the ball leaves the bat and I am sure the ball is over the fence, I will RAISE MY HANDS IN CELEBRATION. But not for too long. I don't want to look like an ass. Three minutes SHOULD BE ENOUGH. As I round 1st base, I'm going to smile at the first baseman. During the regular season, this is BAD FORM. But not today. Today we're GONNA HAVE
  12. Don’t blame me for punching you twice in the neck. Rather, blame RUTHLESS DETERMINISM. For the first one at least. THE SECOND ONE WAS ME. Perhaps each one of us is nothing more than a vast array of neurons firing ESSENTIALLY AT RANDOM, causing our desires and illusions of purpose, and each day culminating with an unbridled desire for the for the SWEET SCOURGE OF DEATH. Please give me back MY PANTS. My underwear doesn’t fit properly and EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME.
  13. If Phil Jackson ever asks me to play point guard for him, I'll tell him that I'd really like to be a part of SOMETHING SPECIAL. So if he thinks I can help, I'll do what I can. BUT I'M NOT PLAYING EVERY GAME.
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