Shimmering Wang

I take liberties. I clean up the language and condense everything, and sometimes I'll just straight invent a transition or something. The lines I remember get repeated word-for-word, as do the important bits. The closer something is to the denouement/climax, the more likely it is to be a literal transcription.

Jenny and I had this conversation earlier:Jenny: "Anyway, so what did you do last night?"Wang: "Ah, Maggs was pretty upset so I took her to Mike's, got her lit, and spent 30 bucks on the jukebox."Jenny: "Oh..."Wang: "Uh-oh. What does that Oh mean?"Jenny: "Look, if I tell you something, can you not accuse me of being irrational?"Wang: "That depends on the rationality content."Jenny: "Wang..."Wang: "Fine, fine. I'll be serious."Jenny: "So, look, one of the reasons I wanted to hang out with Maggie is that I know you guys are close. I saw you together all the time on campus, and I remember when

Except for the last bit, there, I am sending this to Maggs. Very well elucidated, and I'm pretty sure when she calls me upset I will be able to continue the thread of your logic. Thanks.This really has nothing to do with me. I have all sorts of stuff from my ex-girlfriends -- letters, cards, pictures -- but it's all box clearly labeled "SLUTS." A girl asked me why I kept it, once, and I explained to her that my past is a crucial part of my present, blah blah blah. She was unhappy with that answer, which is why there are 3 pictures and two cards from her in the "SLUTS" box. Jenny actually

Best answer so far. So how would you proceed?

I'm not one of the primary characters in the hypothetical, but, even so, we're getting very close to a definitive answer: "forbidding"

Things to consider:1) The drawer has ONLY ex-gf related stuff. It's not exactly a shrine -- not that creepy -- but it's definitely all her. 2) It's not very well hidden. I mean, it's right out in the open. I've got all sorts of stuff from exes, but I have it all jumbled together. So far I'm with you (and Linda: thank her for her input), but I'd like to get as many people to weigh in as possible.

The situation: You are a female. You've been seeing someone for about 6 months, and it's serious. You don't live together, but you have a key to his place. You stay there 3 or 4 nights a week, take trips together, meet family members, etc. He has casually joked (not joked?) about marriage. He's out of town, and when he calls you one afternoon, he tells you that he made all this chicken the other night, and he doesn't want it to go to waste. Go make a salad or something with it. And his place is closer to work, so he tells you to just go ahead and sleep there if you want. You're lying on

I definitely have an error in my mental process. I'm trying to figure out what it is. Alone. In my room. Eating pop-tarts and thinking about The Glory Days.The kid who gives the 2NC -- Cal -- was a buddy of mine for a while. I met him through Austin, the kid who gives the 1NC. Austin was my debate group leader at the Spartan Institute, and we stayed in touch. When I went down the East Lansing the next year, we hung out and I met his partner, Cal. Austin and I still had a kind of student/teacher relationship, but no such barrier existed between Cal and I. He came down to Ann Arbor a few

I like that you changed "no problem" to "it's okay."

Exactly. I mean, elephants are already pretty big, so take that and then double it. Do people have any idea how huge they would be? Their sheer size would mean the imminent extinction of the human race. Conventional weapons would be of no use. Our only hope would be to flee to the mountains and arctic climes, and hope the elephants became so lazy and hubristic that they eventually wiped themselves out.

Wang: "Excuse me." Woman: "Oh, sorry."Wang: "No problem." Wang: [Puts fills his coffee cup 1/6 full with ice from dispenser]Wang: [starts pouring coffee]Woman: "You're supposed to put the ice in last."Wang: "Actually... no. If you put it in last, it splashes all over."Woman: "Yeah, but if you put it on the bottom, it melts and the coffee doesn't get cold."Wang: "Oh, I don't want my coffee to get cold, I'm just trying to ta-... wait, what?"Woman: "If you put it on the bottom, the ice melts and the coffee stays hotter."Wang: "Because... if the ice is on bottom, it doesn't have... no. I can't e

But what if the elephants were twice as large?

We can both agree we're significantly smarter than Napa, right? What are the chances he's ever put a woman off with anything besides general creepiness? That's nothing. I was having sex with a super-hot girl tonight when a reminder for a new episode of Covert Affairs popped up on my TV, so I said fuck that, we're watching this shit.

I would love it so much. Look, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm fucking funny. When people don't laugh, it's because they're stupid. Even if I knew they were laughing because they had to, that would be fine, because they should be laughing anyway.

I've been wearing a suit -- or slacks, a dress shirt and tie -- for like 3 years now. Haven't I posted pictures of me all snazzed up? I am coming with you. But can it be, like, a timeshare thing at first? I don't want to commit to something if I have no guarantee it will be worth my while, but I also don't want to miss getting in on the ground floor. (I've been here for like 4 years, and I still get a little lip because some fucking fake tiger, a honky cat, a terrible Jew, a misspelled cartoon and a chubby kid posted on page 1, but I didn't.) I'm sure you understand. Actually, I... wou

1) Despite your first edit, this post is just begging for a: "That's the gayest shit I ever heard." ** I started swearing pretty young, I believe in 2nd grade. My parents didn't swear around my brother and I when we were kids -- apart from the rare, reactionary "dammit" -- and swearing was generally frowned upon, so, as a result, at a very young age I learned to adjust my vocabulary based on my surroundings. This is relevant because I say stuff like "That's the gayest shit I ever heard" all the time, and usually, given my ability to watch my fucking mouth, I subconsciously and immediately ac

And only another 5 years (and counting) until you're comfortably in Wang territory. But fair warning: I will fucking kill you if you're getting close. Stay off my turf. That goes for each and every one of you motherfuckers.

No. I will go with my standard "let it all build up inside and then unleash with a flurry of one night stands, Maggie none the wiser." I actually want her to marry this guy, I think.

"For me?" I was kind of hoping for Daytona 500 again. I almost didn't say anything because I was worried it might ruin your day. If it makes you feel better, I told my roommate, and... okay, first: some background.Kissy Face and I met when we were in 3rd grade. I had just moved back to Michigan, and my dad decided to start and coach a travel baseball team. He barely knew anyone, didn't have an assistant coach, and had zero funding from the local parks and rec league, but he held tryouts anyway. KissyFace made the team, and his dad volunteered to help coach. Our fathers became friends, a

Maggie texted me all excited to let me know she's pretty sure her boyfriend is going to propose. The extremity of my reaction was (though I doubt anyone here will be surprised) Tonight: listening to , resisting the urge to drinkTomorrow: 10AM: Wake up3PM: Get out of bed315PM: Drag a comb acro-... oh fuck it. Who cares.315PM: Commence 415PM: Possible shower5PM: Return to bed, where everything is safe8PM: Scheme830PM: Abandon scheming and play video games instead1030PM: Call a random girl I know always liked me more than I liked her, just so I can make sure she still likes me more than I

Sincere, Not Rhetorical Question: Why didn't you end the post after the third sentence? It might seem like I'm picking on you, but I'm not. (I almost certainly will be picking on you once I get your answer, but I'm hoping for a little reasonable discourse before I start whipping my 12-inch internet dick around.) Anybody who I have offered help/assistance/nonsense regarding Fantasy Football: the project has expanded in scope, and I have not yet given up halfway through and decided to just half-ass it. There's probably a 5% chance my efforts result in something exceedingly useful, so fingers

Nope. Just #4 at stuff and doing things. #4 in general. Overall.

I especially liked your "Whaa?" in the chat room. "You shall fashion instruments by drying local flora and adding seeds, and shake them to produce a pleasant percussive sound: I am the gourd."

You're not alone. I only know two people whose comedic gifts intimidate me, and Beans is one of them. I'm a pretty funny guy, and I can work pretty well in a few different mediums, but if Beans were in the room, I think I'd stick to "yes sir" and "no ma'am."

Thank you. I had to write two other ones hastily to set up the real punch line, but I thought the effort was worth it. I'm pretty sure "I am the lowered" is legitimately funny. I should start a twitter site called "I AM THE LOWERED."