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Shimmering Wang

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Posts posted by Shimmering Wang

    I Called In Sick Today

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    Posted

    I found out that my pal's buddy used to date Jenny. We talked. I.. know the buddy. He is in my fantasy football league and I play him this week. If I win, I will do everything I can to work things out with Jenny. If I lose: I'll post on the fantasy message board that we both banged the same girl.My Lineup:D. GarrardM. Jones-DrewL. McCoyCalvin JohnsonT. OwensA.HernandezViniateriTitans Defense/SpecialTeamsHis:P. ManningA.PetersonP.HillisRoddy WhiteS. HolmesJ.WittenScobeePittsburghMy numbers have him as a 54/46 favorite. Wish me luck.
    Current Score: Deng Xiaopig: 108.68Aaron Hernandez (Tight End, New England) Sunday NightLeSean McCoy (Running Back, Philadelphia) Monday NightPornographicEx: 101.20Jason Witten (Tight End, Cowboys) IN PROGRESS -- 0.00 PointsPittsburgh Steelers (DEF) Sunday NightSo I've got a 7 point cushion, and the spread for Hernandez/McCoy vs. Witten/Pitt is probably something like Hernandez/McCoy -10.5. I'm a pretty big favorite here.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    When I was a kid there was a nearby arcade that my dad would take my brother and me to on the weekends. And they had one of those x-men arcade games where 6 people can play at once. If I was lucky and we got there before it was too crowded, I'd take Colossus (I was older than my brother, so I always had first dibs). I mean, Colossus was clearly the best one, right? His mutant power was so superior to everyone else's: he would just kill everyone around him with his yellow glowy-ness.And, of course, the death of your enemies would be accompanied by that low, gargle-like growling noise: "ARGHHHHHHH!"
    I would play with Colossus 90% of the time because I just liked his super-power noise so much. I'm not even sure how to type it phonetically -- something like "UuuuuUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" I suppose, but that doesn't really represent the change in pitch -- but I'm sure it's available somewhere on youtube. If I wasn't Colossus, I was Nightcrawler.And if I wasn't Nightcrawler, I was Marge Simpson. And if I wasn't Marge Simpson, I was the Elf, running around stealing all the food. Or, if I couldn't get to it: "Elf shot the food!"

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    This is the closest thing I can find to a picture of the face I made as I read that post:lyle_beaker.gif
    When I was younger, I could do a really good Beaker impression. I used to randomly bust out into Beaker or Colossus (the sound he made when you used his super-power in the old-school X-Men Arcade Game) all the time in front of people, just to see if anybody would be able to recognize it, and thusly earn my immediate and unending respect. Nothing made me happier than when one of my dormmates freshman year described himself over the phone as a 6'5" Beaker, and the other, when he first heard me make the Colossus noise, looked at me and asked if I wanted to go play Marvel vs. X-Men in the West Quad lounge.
    Imagine how great this story would have been* if you two were still together. *You know, for us.
    We're not even really NOT together. It's... I don't know what it is.
    I don't even know what to say anymore about Wang's women shenanigans and tomfoolery.
    This one, to be fair, is HER tomfoolery. It was not MY shenanigans that led to my LadyFriend agreeing to make sex-tapes with her ex-boyfriend, even though it had to be pretty obvious that he was the kind of guy that was going to show that shit to his friends.
    But the whole time I was thinking: dance-offs? Much like everything in Wang's life, I didn't know that actually happened for reals.
    I had to judge a dance-off at Homecoming, and as a result I missed out on the crowning of my date as Queen, and a dance we were supposed to share. It was a Break Dance Contest in the hallway, and I was actually incredibly honored to have been appointed one of the three judges, and it ended up going to a sudden-death one-on-one break-off, so I lost track of time a little. That was a pretty big whoopsie. That actually happened for reals.
    Speaking of Wang's tomfoolery, there seems to be some very large gaps in his relationship (well at least from what he has shared). Can someone please buy him a computer?
    Okay, so Jenny comes to me and says, "Hey, we need to talk." Hmmm. Okay. Jenny: "So I got offered a job."Wang: "Really? Great! What's the deal?"Jenny: (explains some stuff about the job)Wang: "Really? Holy shit, Jenny that's awesome! Let's go out and get you nice and fucked up to celebrate."Jenny: "It's in Chicago."Wang: "Oh. Well... I mean, it's a great opportunity, Jenny. That sucks, but..."Jenny: "But...?"Wang: "You're taking it. This is just too good to pass up."Jenny: "So you think I should take it? Move to Chicago?"Wang: "Of course. Why wouldn't you? I mean, it will suck leaving your friends and family, but, come on, you've got to."Jenny: "Uh-huh."Wang: "When would you have to go?"Jenny: "I wouldn't start until February."Wang: "God, I'm so happy for you! Look at me, I'm fucking grinning. I NEVER grin."Jenny: "Yeah. You seem pretty happy about it."A little time goes by, and I start to notice that she's being a little frosty. I ask her what's going on, and she is being evasive, so I drop it. A few days later, she was still acting weird, so I asked again and refused to drop it until she talked to me about what was up. Jenny: "So you think I should just move to Chicago? That wouldn't even bother you?"Wang: (drops head)Wang: (internal monologue) Wang, you stupid fucking fuck, you just witnessed this exact situation. You just saw Maggie get upset when her boyfriend moved. You just saw Maggie fall apart because she was worried it meant he didn't love her or something. You just saw her lose her damned mind for this exact fucking reason. He didn't take it seriously enough for her taste, so she got worried he didn't love her. And what do you do? THE EXACT SAME THING YOU..."Wang: (barely audible) "...stupid fuck."It turned into a whole big thing. I explained that the reason I was happy was because I cared about her. Am I going to miss her? Of course, but I would never ask her to pass up an opportunity like that for me. Then it started getting worse.Wang: "Actually, let me take that one step further: I would never ALLOW you to pass up an opportunity like this for me."Jenny: "You wouldn't 'allow' me to? What does that mean?"Wang: "I mean, what if you resent me because you had to make some kind of sacrifice? Or what if you pass up this job opportunity and then, in 3 months, we break up? No way I'm letting that happen."Jenny: "And how, exactly, would you not let that happen?"Wang: "Look, you know what I'm saying. Come on."Jenny: "..."Wang: "I mean, if I really thought you were making a mistake, I'd just... I'm not letting ME be the reason you do something like that."Jenny: "So you're saying you would... break up with me or something?"Wang: "Yeah. I guess. If I thought it was the right thing to do."(I don't remember much of this next part but there are a few lines I remember, and I'll be sure to include them)Jenny: "That is so fucking like you. That's just... you think you know what's right for everyone, and you're sooooo willing to make sacrifices because you're such a 'good guy.' You know exaaaactly what everybody else needs, but you have absolutely no idea what you want, so you just fix everybody else's problems because that's the only thing you're any good at. And if you think you're right, you'll do whatever you have to to prove it or win or get your way. You think you're soooo nice and selfless, but you're selfish. You're selfish and you don't care about anybody but yourself."(There was some other stuff, too, and it stung.)The conversation didn't last much longer, but it ended with this exchange:Wang: "If you really... if you think that little of me, maybe..."Jenny: "Maybe what?"Wang: "I want to be with you, but it... it seems like maybe you don't like me all that much right now."Jenny: (scoffs with contempt/disdain)Wang: "I'm just..."Jenny: "Maybe you're right. Maybe we should take some time."Wang: "Maybe."Jenny: "I have to go."Wang: "Yeah. So... where are we?"Jenny: (shrug) "We're on a break, I guess. Wang: "Okay. I'm sorry about this. I lo-... I'll call you."I've talked to her once since then. I'm not sure what's going to happen.
    Also not getting why it bothers you so much that she did nudie photos/films with her ex... it reflects poorly on him that he show and telled it, but all she did was demonstrate a lack of foresight when she was in a relationship a while back. I'd bet she isn't the only one of your exs who has done this sort of thing. She just wanted to give her boyfriend a good time, she didn't think anyone else would see it.
    Two things: First, it's just disturbing. My buddy Sherpa has seen Jenny getting railed. And so have, I'm sure, lots of people. It's just... disturbing. I'm not, like, mad at her. I think it was bad judgment, but I really don't like the idea of some girl I care about screaming on tape while another guy hammers away. Second, and more importantly, I don't like the idea of this tape existing, and Jenny having no control over it. This motherfucker is soooo far out of line that it's ridiculous. I want the tapes and pictures destroyed, and I want to beat him within an inch of his life. If I'd heard about it a little sooner, I might have had a moral leg to stand on, but right now... I don't know. I still might do something about it.
    What's the sports-betting dealio with the Heat right now? Are they over-valued? Highly public? Does that mean the same thing? Etc.
    They're not nearly as public as I expected before the season, likely because they came out of the gates looking pretty bad and haven't really turned it around yet. The books are stilling putting out some pretty ridiculous lines -- Celtics getting 7 last night?? -- and the public isn't scared to bet against them. They're not getting faded against bad/mediocre teams, but people are definitely looking to bet against them when the books put up a crooked number against another solid team. If I can find a good price, I'm going to bet on them to win the East and the Title shortly. I still think they are, by far, the best team in the NBA come playoff time.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Pretty early on, I told Jenny -- since I really liked her and wanted to do everything I could to protect myself -- that, despite appearances, I'm really a bundle of neuroses and improperly functioning decision matrices. She didn't really believe me, and for some reason, just now, I thought of this line:Wang: "Anyway, I'm just warning you. Think of it like a... [cannot think of the word "inoculation"] Cootie Shot."

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Okay, so this makes me irrationally happy, too, which I didn't know until now: "Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. 'Cause Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Oh, go see one anyway. I don't like the psychiatrist. You need to go see one. See a psychaitrist. I'm not going."EDIT: It's the last line that really slays me. "I don't like the psychiatirst." You need to go see one. See a psychiatrist. "I'M NOT GO-ING."

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Wang is having an existential crisis. It's pretty hardcore. (Note: the word "existential" is meant to serve a very specific purpose, and that purpose is: to make the crisis seem less significant to all of you.) When Wang feels like this, he watches movies he enjoys. So I watched my favorite comedy of the last decade, "Knocked Up," and the only thing that even remotely cheered me up was the line: "You're so money you don't even know how much money you have." I consider that line among the greatest in modern cinema. It makes me happy when happiness doesn't even make me happy.

    Milwaukee Brewers Question

    in General

    Posted

    The first guys I thought of were Dale Sveum and Gorman Thomas. I have been trying to get my friends to buy me a Deivi Cruz Fathead for 3 years. I will also settle for one of the following:- Juan Encarnacion- Frank Catalanotto- Robert Fick- Jose Macias- Shane Halter- Matt Anderson

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Such bullshit! F'ing Panda with the error to kick off the Braves rally. Dude can't hit his own overblown, hamburger eating weight. Why the hellis he playing to begin with??a;lkdfjlasdfjlsdjflafj
    1) I'm allowed to get a break. Let's call it even for the Buster Posey "stolen base"2) Change your fucking signature. Coesillian is, to the best of my recollection, retarded as fuck. Though I'm sure he doesn't need me to defend him, Scram is -- and I don't have Joey Jo Jo's stats on hand, but I'd wager all the money in my pockets (currently: $1119.44; I just got finished collecting) against all the money in your pockets that they support this -- one of the finest pound-for-pound posters on this site.3) I declared victory too early. Current Win Expectancy = 70%

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Tomorrow, at some point, I will go back and quote everyone. Right now, however, I don't have much time, so I'll just say: fuck yes the truth will set you free I am victorious I win I win I win. Also: Go Rick Ankiel. Fuck Okie State, Cowboys are gay.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Who's read head Jo? What's with all the weird comics? What the hell is going on in here today?
    She was a waitress at work. I once informed her that trees do not have internet access and, as such, are my natural enemy.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    I'm more into that girl from the computer lab that he talked to that one time after listening to Dinosaur Jr. I'm really still pulling for her, you know?
    Ol' Jess#2, eh? I haven't thought about her in a while. I am just so much more interesting when I'm single. For your sakes, once Maggie leaves town, I'm going to break up with Jenny.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    I laughed.Sometimes I just don't know about these people.
    Was it as hard for you to admit as it was for me? And, seriously, come on people. Yeah, it's my fault for slipping and using the name -- which, thankfully, is also not exactly her real name -- but I've been pretty paranoid about this. I'm going to be hypocritical and ask everyone to indulge me.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    I don't think we need to know her real name.
    Fuuuuuuck. It's hard to keep using the fake names. I actually called Kayla "Kayla," once, which was awkward.
    *seal*Jennifer? You used my wife's first and middle names in the same post. Weird.
    Double fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    I'm still a huge Maggie fan, unlike most of these assholes, but... Jenny seems pretty great.
    You know I'll never be comfortable until I get your blessing, right? I like Jenny a lot, way more than I've liked any girl since Maggie, and I'm doing my best to keep most of our stuff out of this thread. Jenny has her issues, like every woman, but they are issues I'm unused to dealing with, since I usually date women who are or have been marginalized in some way. Jenny, so far as I can tell, is pretty much the All-American girl (despite her ethnically Italian last name), which is a first for me. Even the Homecoming Queen was awkward, insecure, and full of self-doubt from the moment I met her. Jenny? Not so much. I've been with some attractive women (though I'm sure all of you could poke some mean-spirited holes in that suggestion), but Jenny is the first member of the human subset of Beautiful People that I've dated. (Note: Kayla was a member of the subset, but our relationship was... non-standard.) It's a different experience, because even though I clean up pretty well, I am not one of those people, and a part of me wonders if it's smart for us to co-mingle. Yet, somehow, SHE is feeling insecure about MY ex-girlfriend. Jenny, who I find absolutely stunning, is worried about Maggie. Maggie is pretty and fun. But why, I wonder, does Jenny feel threatened? If Jenny and I walk into a bar, most people will ask themselves: "What is she doing with him?" It might not be, like, an utter shock to people, but the bartenders at work are always joking about it. It doesn't bother me, really, because I'm acutely aware that things like "personality" matter more than superficial concerns, but I would think it would give Jenny a kind of "Hey, this guy is lucky to have me" attitude. Instead, she simply focuses on what she perceives as her deficits -- intelligence, sense of humor, uniqueness. I would tell her this:1) As for intelligence, I don't give a flying fuck. You don't look confused when I use 4-syllable words. You're not hostile to intelligence or intellectual pursuits, and when I go off on a tangent (most recently about: the persistent failure of baseball managers to properly utilize game-theory to make rational decisions), you listen. You're engaged, is what I'm saying, and that's what matters. Truly.2) Sense of humor. You make me want to make you laugh, and that's huge. You think I'm funny, which -- and, yes, this is incredibly egotistical, but there's not point lying about it -- is by far the most important thing. Maggie and Kayla are both wittier than you are, but that's not that important. Making jokes about Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole -- going from "pure ones" to "pier one" to "the owls were pissed because THEY DID NOT WANT THEIR HOMES REDECORATED" to "IKEA" -- is great. But it doesn't count for that much. 3) We are both incredibly typical. So what? Does it bother you that I'm straight-suburban white boy? No? Then stop it. Oh, that reminds me. A while back, she asked me if I'd ever dated anyone I'd worked with besides Jo. I said no. I felt guilty, so I swore her to secrecy (though this secret is starting to spread) and then told her about Kayla. I think that bothers her a bit, too, but to her credit she's been really good about that one, probably because they haven't spoken much, and Kayla has no desire to get to know my current lady-friend. How did I get here? Oh yeah: Jenny is way more insecure than I would have expected, though she does a really good job hiding it. I have to dig to find most of it, since it's hidden well below the surface. Honestly, I should be the insecure one, here. Oh yeah: I would like your approval, Braveheart.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    So Wang: you, Jenny and Maggie are walking over a bridge, when the evil troll lurking below pops out and makes scary noises. He demands female flesh for his dinner. Both girls wail "Derek help, save me". Mr Troll is getting impatient. He snaps "Derek, which of these sluts shall I devour?". He is letting you choose. Which one will you recommend to the troll?
    Jenny tastes more like blackened salmon, whereas Maggie is a clean whitefish. I really prefer the taste of salmon, so I'd probably recommend he eats Jenny. Honestly, this question is unfair. If Maggie were replaced with one of my two best male friends, would anybody care what the results were? The right question is more like:"The troll says you can date either one of this women. Which do you choose?" Well, Jenny. Duh. Thanks troll. I'll pick to date my girlfriend. Jenny and I actually talked about it last night, and she was pretty honest. She said it really wasn't a huge deal, and I believed her, but she felt a little insecure around Maggie because Maggie is pretty, funny, smart, and interesting. And we obviously have a connection. She is worried that she and I don't have that connection. She looked like she was feeling incredibly vulnerable, so I fought off the urge to drop an L-Bomb, and did my best to reassure her that I wanted nothing but friendship out of Maggs, and nothing but sex with Jenny. I'm not sure how well it worked. We'll see. Have I mentioned how tall Jenny is? She was wearing these boots the other night, and she was taller than me. It was fucked up. She's probably between 5'10" and 5'11" flat-footed though. Our children would be able to hoop soooo good.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    I reference things faster, the 'big picture' is clearer. Maybe it's a tactile issue, I don't know, but they work.Faggot.
    My spatial intelligence is nearly zero, so I won't understand anything that has to do with the orientation of the cards in space and in relation to each other, and how it relates to the way the data is stored in your brain, but I can get behind the "tactile issue" thing. Also, the sturdiness might be handy. Paper bends and wilts. Notecards do not. For the record, ease of manipulation is the most important thing for me with data. If it's something I want to update or treat, I'm dumping it into a spreadsheet so I can break it down and screw it up without an eraser. Also my handwriting is embarrassingly bad.EDIT: I would never do it for something academic, like studying, as the time it takes to transfer the data to the card is time that, for me, would be more effectively spent completing pretty much any other task.

    I Called In Sick Today

    in General

    Posted

    Know what's good?8X5 index cards. One can pretty much accomplish anything with them.We live our entire lives dealing with 3X5 cards, then one day, we learn of 8X5 and it's like "Jesus Christ! Why in gods name have we been wasting our time with that other bullshit?"
    I spent most of my higher education working with 3X5 cards, but about a month ago I discovered the larger cards and fell in love. Then, last week, I decided to just go all the way, and instead of flashcards made study sheets on computer paper, and it was amazing. Worked like a charm.
    What the fuck do you guys use notecards for? I mean, seriously, I've never used a notecard in my life. I think I tried to write a speech on them, once, but then I realized: hey, regular paper just works so much better. Index cards are just... are you guys leaving yourselves little notes? Or marking pages? You know who uses notecards? Fucking bitches. I'm sorry. I don't... know why I have reacted so strongly. (Perhaps because: you're such fucking bitches?)
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